Hello.
Currently, I live in Illinois. I am not sure where to start but I will give some short backstory and then more current events. Sorry for the length but I want to be thorough with my information.
In a previous relationship I had two children with a woman. We were in a relationship that fell apart. During that time it was a bad experience. We lived with my parent and she was in the middle of moving. My Mom moved down South and we had to vacate the house. I moved in with a friend and she moved in with her Mom and Step-dad. But during our relationship, she was awful with money and was constantly mishandling it and not putting important things first (Getting our own place, paying off bills, etc.) and putting luxuries first (Make-up, eating out, clothes, etc.) and really lazy when it came to doing pretty much anything.
A few weeks later, she went silent. I could not find her on social media and I could not contact her via phone. Without the funds to find her and my kids I was at the mercy of just looking through social media. About 7 months later, I got a letter for a court summons to collect child support. I later found out (I forget how) that she moved in with her friends in Michigan. When she appeared in court it with my kids I was heartbroken they couldn't remember me and I told the judge what she did. It moved from child support to getting her back into the state since she left without permission at the advice of her "Lawyer" friend. This ended up in her trying to manipulate me and sweet talk me into letting her stay in Michigan because things were so good for her there. I could not take the chance she would do what she did again and said no and she eventually moved back. She was very angry and hostile about it but I just couldn't take the chance I would go without seeing my kids.
They determined my child support payments for the time being while I had the job I currently had and I had no problem with it. I knew there was a negative stigma for child support. But I thought it would go to help the child and pay for their things. I didn't feel negatively about it. But during this time she was still out of state and I got a job promotion. I was able to start working full-time. And I was able to move out with my new fiance into a home. While we were not financially stable we were still able to make payments on living arrangements as long as something tragic didn't happen.
This is where it got difficult. I went back to court and she didn't show up. There was a different judge who seemed to favour her being the mother. I brought in my pay stubs to get a better determination of my payments. She didn't show up but they assumed she made minimum wage. They looked over my pay stubs (with my insurance I was providing for myself and my children). They determined that my payments were to increase. I told them I could not afford that. If I had to pay that amount I would have to drop my insurance and the kids insurance to compensate and get another job. They made an adjustment to slightly lower (although still much higher than before) and the judge reluctantly granted it.
A few weeks later, while still struggling to pay my bills, I noticed that the adjustment was removed. While I struggled with this I have been unable to find a way to get this taken care of.
In the meantime, I have switched jobs, gotten married, and unfortunately (or happily depending on the stance you are looking at it) had another child (not under the best circumstances). While I am barely keeping afloat with all these payments I am frustrated because of a few reasons:
- I have my children CONSTANTLY. Sometimes 4 days a week. So I have them a majority of the time. There are times where I do only have them 3 days but usually it is from Saturday - Wednesday. Why are my payments so high if I have them so much? It is very rare at this time that I have them for less than 3 days.
- She lives at her mom's apartment with no living expenses whatsoever. She didn't even have to pay for a phone until recently. And I constantly see her coming into the apartment with new video games (and a new video game console a few weeks after she got her first CS check), new hair colours, new nails, new clothes, etc. Meanwhile, my wife and I are lucky if we can get a new dress shirt for work or constantly have to shop Goodwill and second-hand shops.
- She can't hold a job. Her longest employment from as long as I have known her has been 5 months. She is constantly getting fired for attendance issues. Even just recently.
- Where she lives with her Mom my kids share a bed together in the room with their Mom. Sometimes they say they sleep on the floor. Here at my house they have a room they share with my wife's daughter. And they have their own beds. This seems small but I don't know if she has plans to move out and I feel it is important for them to have their own beds. This has become a problem with sleeping at my house.
- While we all get along my wife follows her on Instagram. She told me that she is constantly getting art commissions. While unrelated it is unsettling to know that while I am struggling with bills, credit cards, and rent she is able to afford commissioned art of herself (while mentioning other previous things)
- They constantly smell like smoke. While it isn't like they are in direct contact with them (I have no way of telling) I know that their Mom, her mom, and her step-dad all smoke.
- I don't agree with the punishments they get in their home (spanking, slapping their bottoms, etc.) I don't want my children to be hit when they are bad and always try to find the patience to punish them, even if it means punishing them several times until they understand by sending them to their room or putting them in the corner. I know if I had them that this may not stop but it is still something I am concerned about.
- I would really just like to have custody of them honestly at this point. But I am so afraid of making her angry. She gets very spiteful and hostile when she is angry or upset. And at the time of court, I couldn't take them because I lived with a friend. And I am afraid of what she would do as far as letting me see the kids or even responding to messages I send her about scheduling. I think them being with their other siblings and being able to go to the same school would be incredibly helpful for them. They would never have to be with a sitter since there is always an adult at this house (wife works overnight and I am during the day.
- I am worried about her Mom as well. When her mom was getting divorced, custody was awarded to the father. I am unsure of the EXACT reasoning, but I was told by both my ex and several other people that she was violent. I have witnessed this in the past in an altercation within her family and have heard several stories from the past.
- While this hasn't been an issue recently it was an issue in the past but their clothes were always too small and their shoes were entirely outgrown. I had to buy them new things because they just didn't seem to be getting them when they were with her (furthering my suspicion on the money and where it goes).
- She currently works but she is constantly being "let go" on her scheduled days early. Due to my previous experience on her work ethic I am left to believe that she is just leaving early and/or I wouldn't be surprised if she was let go from this job as well.
There are several other reasons this bothers me but these are the biggest that myself and my wife have noticed. I can't get a second job again. I work 40+ hours a week and my wife works overnights. Everything would conflict with school for the step-daughter and having someone watch the 6 month old baby. I have tried donating plasma (that is extremely difficult to schedule with my job and demanding on my body). But I'll never catch up if things keep going this way. I'll eventually go back into collections , lose my car, have to move out again, and everything I spent the last few years trying to build up will fall back down. I started to but things then started falling apart. I am constantly stressed out about money and my wife and I are trying so hard to keep things together for all the kids to be a family.
I know that some of this may be subjective but these are the things that I have noticed. While I know I don't have a full picture of everything, I was in a relationship long enough to have a really good judgment on the extent of the things she is doing. I know how much money she spends on things and where her priorities are from having known her so long. And I have a good idea where my money is going.
What can I do at this point? I don't want to give too much personal information (Yearly salary, names, identifiable info, etc.) but I welcome any messages or comments needing more information. I also understand that some of this seems silly and immature but I really need some relief. I take care of my kids the best I can and I always try to put them first. How can I approach this without putting the final nail in the coffin financially? Is there any hope that I could just have custody of them so they have a sense of normalcy in their life?
I live in Illinois.
I apologize if any of this is slightly incoherent. I am at work currently trying to type this out while still continuing to work. Thank you for any advice.
Submitted November 01, 2019 at 08:33PM by throwawayforhelp1988 https://ift.tt/2JF6ou4
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