For some reason I've been getting a lot of symbolism about infinity, understanding it, pleasure, becoming everything, and becoming nothing, and basically how that's what a seizure is like. Except a seizure you have no real awareness during the experience, it just becomes one and done and you feel like shit, sore, and tired. I say this because a lot of my life I've sorta experimented with going into states of unconsciousness and later states of only consciousness/wakefulness. Starting off as a highschooler and doing that passing out game (hyperventilation, holding breath and flexing, and having someone push your arms against your chest until you pass out) where I'd pass out, begin having weird flashes of memory/experiences, or microseizures/repetitive motions as I awake, and then back to normal. That became a fad and one time one of our friends did it, had an actual seizure, and then shot up saying life wasn't real, this isn't real, etc. Which we were dying of laughter because of how absurd he was being and because he was that one really really weird kid in school. Later I'd come to the same realizations as him that reality around us really isn't "real" and is as subjective as someone's favorite color, song, movie, day of the week, month, etc. I also had issues with microsleep, lethargy, laziness, depression, and possibly had sleep apnea+narcolepsy. This led me to believe I was experiencing more of the unconscious side of reality if that makes sense.
Later on after highschool I'd start delving into drugs starting mainly with DXM (so again going into the more "unconscious" side of things) which was a LOVELY time. Euphoria off the charts amazing, numbness that felt so good, music sounded just pure and deep, and just had an amazing experience with that. I'd trip about once every week or two at 600mg and just have fun melting into reality and loving everything. That sorta let me "understand" and take in more knowledge about reality and how we are all wavelengths/vibrations, colors, moments in time, feelings, and emotions. That later got even further understood when I began using acid pretty heavily in Feb-Mar alongside 450mg DXM and 50-100 packs of Nitrous. This is where I began to understand that I was sorta "pushing" or shedding a piece of myself and my sensation into the reality around me. The Nitrous would sorta "follow along a path" and then I'd be able to see this path as an extension of myself and my senses into my surroundings. Basically creating what I'd explain as actual separate dimensions of time and space. There'd be dimensions of the nose, of the mouth, of the eyes, ears, etc. All as actual "tangible" separate dimensions that can be "traveled to" via breathing, mindset, intention, and sorta "astral" traveling there. After my heavy use of this I got into Meth. This is where things got weirder over time because now I was experiencing the more conscious/awake side of reality all the while parts of my mind would be unconscious because of sleep deprivation, redosing, sleeping very little, not moving too much, not drinking enough, eating, etc. I'd begin to experience waking "dreams" or alternate reality spaces which would at times become very very scary/strange or just psychedelic and nice. This would become heavily apparent after my next addiction really began with using Nitrous again. I'd use it alongside meth about 2-3 times every couple weeks at like 300 canisters each. During this period things got extremely weird (clearly) and I'd begin experiencing multiple realities ontop of one another, multiple SELVES, time manipulation (especially with music, this was fun), time slowing or speeding up, storylines seemingly being from some other parts of myself or my family somehow (like ones from another reality perhaps) which can be fun or scary depending on the context, lessons of some sort (some saying to make sure to brush your teeth since that's also an important reality, remembering to rest often as rest is important, making sure to hydrate and eat right, exercise and do cardio, take care of all parts of yourself since as a whole you are realities and need to make sure to care for yourself and your families), interpretive dances invoking emotions from the body and hands with certain breaths and feelings, all the while trying to use it to make reality more interesting, "real", exciting, and fun. Like somehow using Meth and Nitrous together I'd increase my sense of vision to where things look EXTREMELY clear from any angle/POV without really having to change my point of focus, my senses would intermingle and change/combine like sight and hearing mainly, and again kinda "push" myself into another dimension of reality in order to increase its realness and sensation.
During this whole period I'd also begin experiencing strong deja vu seemingly transporting to earlier memories/experiences or alternate "already experienced" ones that another self went through. I'd also begin experiencing very strange realities too. For example there would be one where one body part had too much "sensation" or "influence" in that reality meaning like if it was my arm then moving it would make this huge gust of wind and push me back pretty far and knock me down. Which was very bizarre. I'd be like moves arm, WHOOSH!, smash my body against the ground, then get up and be like "Holy shit! What in the fuck was that!" During some of these realities too I'd seemingly experience a "seizure" (no control of thought, body just convlusing, and basically losing control) and then sorta end up in another reality space entirely or have some weird experience shown in front of me. For example, in one I had a seizure, my body moved back, in front of me seemingly this little girl came out of inside me sorta leaking colors/fabrics of reality and screaming excitedly, and then I'd begin really seizing, falling forward onto this "girl", end up becoming her, and then sorta get shown me becoming her, moving around, becoming more aware again, begin sorta "evolving", and sorta moving inside of this "ball of color" which once it reached I think a large a blue ball, it sorta spat me out onto the floor, and I got up and was myself again. REALLY FUCKING WICKED shit man. Then later I'd begin using acid again and access my previous mindsets, newer ideas/knowledge, and gain more knowledge as well. Acid basically feeling like I gain more control over my body, mind, reality, senses, and sensations. I could basically begin changing aspects of my reality via thought, breath, and intention, or even speech and emotion. Like I sorta went from nothing, to everything, to ONE, then back down again all circling back to seemingly the birth of creation/the mind or perhaps a new higher dimensional version (seemingly where my "hands" are used to make reality/changes things, where I touch I basically breath and feel through synesthesia, and these "hands" are like the true symbolism of the body and brain together). Like let me explain my understanding of these hands. These "Hands" hold all senses and sensations such as pain, regret, anger, gentleness, roughness, flowing, stiff, smelly/good smelling, dirty/clean, hot/cold, numb/feeling everything, not knowing/knowing, looking fake/looking real, feeling foreign/feeling familiar, left/right, right/left, up/down, in/out, straight/curled, fast/slow, etc.. These hands showed and explained the symbolism of how they are the first things you see, first things you feel out with, first things you use to hear (clap/slam/knock/slap), first things you really become aware of and become aware of you back, and the first things that "create" and can be used to help create or imbue meaning (drawing, writing, typing, moving, dancing, sign language, hugging/patting, caressing and rocking, touching lightly, waving goodbye, waving hello, finger placements, etc.). They help people that can't see to "see", they help people that can't hear to "hear", they help people that can't feel emotion to "feel", they help people that need to think (like the image of the thinker), they help people get other's attention, they help people have fun/play around, they help people do cool tricks like juggling, magic card tricks, sleight of hand, flipping things (cups, bottles, coins), skipping rocks, throwing frisbees, throwing and catching baseballs/basketballs/footballs, spinning basketballs, rolling bowlingballs, moving the mouse just right to hit the targets in your favorite games, hitting the right keys to type just what you wanted to type in the right way at the right speed, basically giving you what made you "yourself" all this time. All throughout different dimensions, points in time, points in space, different people, different pieces of art, different lives, different actions, etc.
Basically all coming together as the "perfect hands" so that they can keep each other in check, keep each other comforted, comfortable, be there for one another so that they can create new and wonderful things, all so that they can truly come together to help us with "reality" and its meaning of love, pleasure, mystery, excitement, and make us all capable of having something we can all share together and feel like a family and friends. Basically like the largest yet smallest hands of reality that seemingly were there when it all began (big bang, a giant "Clap" of brilliance, bringing forth all vibrations and sounds and all light/color and sensation, like using a clap on/clap off light), being able to make things squared off (like the motions of looking at something with your fingers posed as a rectangle, or motions of boxing something in), make things rounded off (like cupping the hands rolling a ball of "reality" and energy), making these swirled/rotated (twisting and turning, fingers twirling, spinning etc.), making things bigger (like making an explosion motion with the hands), making things smaller (like grabbing a big ball of energy and squishing it down to the very dot/point), making things smoother (flattening things out, rubbing things flat, pounding down with the fists), making things more textured or with more style and meaning (doing your own flair/artistic addition to a movement or style while still keeping parts of the original enough to make things look new/with addition without too much obstruction/destruction), making things feel softer or more stiff (more flexed out or more softly laid out), making things stretched out or more compressed (grabbing a pulling in two or more ways or grabbing and pushing together in two or more ways), and basically just being everything of both the mind and body feeling from both directions, inside and out, and combining from both sides in such a way that it made a new facet of reality that's comfortable, knowledgeable, loving, caring, pleasurable, and full of meaning. And I shouldn't say it's just the hands either, it's just that the hands are the most apparent, most used and recognized, and have the most movement and usage in our lives every day. Things like typing, moving a mouse, rubbing your eyes/face, scratching an itch, rubbing off pain, wiping away tears of joy or sadness, picking our nose, touching ourselves, rubbing a stuffed and stiff belly, patting/punching a stiff and chiseled abdomen/chest, patting heads of dogs/children, hugging/patting/rubbing people's backs, picking our ears, picking under our nails, warming ourselves, cooling ourselves down, calming ourselves down, exciting ourselves, cooking, cleaning, picking things up and putting them down, unscrewing things, opening/closing things, scrubbing ourselves in the shower/bath, placing our direction when swimming, drinking water without any cups, eating food without any utensils, drying off after washing hands, etc. They just culminate so many facets of reality that they have their own sense of meaning to me making them very important and very close and personal yet distinct in their own way. Like I don't use my left what I use for my right all the time because it just isn't exactly the same and the left has its own additions it can add such as holding the paper still in just the right ways when drawing, writing, or pressing just the right keys to make me move the right way when playing my favorite games, or adding extra "newness" to something since the right already knows most of what it does but the left knows some and can learn to use it to make some new additions, abstractions, and flair to make something more exciting, have extra "oomph", and basically be more more creative in its own way. I mean all this too in not just the "hands", because again this mostly all correlates to the body, the mind, reality, dimensions, the brain, and all that. And basically the brain and reality as a whole once it learns to not be entirely divided always hurting itself constantly with disorders, dysfunctions, negativity, pain, abuse, etc. and instead come together, like with symmetry yet with distinctness, so that it can work much more together, much more whole, and know how to keep things together, comforting, new, and exciting, basically functional+creative, familiar/rigid+abstract/flexible, set in stone/yielding, demanding/tolerant, etc. Both facets of duality that instead of working entirely independent and against one another in most cases, should work together and give pieces of one another in order to create something worth exploring and enjoying.
These "Hands" or symbols for the of the two halves of the body, the two sides of the body (in/out), the two halves of the brain, the two eyes, the two ears, the two nostrils, the two voices (inside/outside, inner/outer), and overall the two sides of reality (conscious/unconscious, left/right), have so much meaning, character, and power all shown to me throughout my adventures in psychedelics (containing a lot of the power to move and change dimensions, change sensations, make more conscious awareness, change the perception of time, etc.), dissociatives (making you want to touch and feel the numb sensation on your skin/face, also seemingly "holding onto" most of the conscious awareness during the experience making dancing interesting and fun), and stimulants (mostly wanting to make you type a lot, draw a lot, play videogames, touch yourself like touching your scalp/hair, your skin, or of course masturbating for many hours). They help me understand at a core level the differences between states of matter (solid, liquid, gas, plasma), the different sensations, the different senses, the different languages coming together as one universal language, and the different people/archetypes. The motherly, caring and soft/gentle hands, the fatherly and more sturdy/strong and wise hands, the grandfatherly and tricky/funny/wise hands, the grandmotherly and sometimes punishing but also giving and loving hands, the older sister and helpful, sometimes a bit too criticizing of others/self, yet caring/soft hands, the older brother and helpful, knowledgeable, careful yet strong hands that have more expectations from others, the middle child and hands that are more catered to being similar to both older and younger sides by being more negotiable and agreeable, the younger child hands which are full of energy, wonder, creativity and seems to project "light" and either follows more of their own path or follows some from those of the older ones, the cousinly and distinctly different yet still brotherly/sisterly and familiar in character, the uncle hands with fatherly qualities and their own twist and funny/wise additions, the aunt hands with motherly qualities and their own twist and loving/caring/wise additions, the "God hands" (like when praying, shaking/cupping ones own hands together, holding fingers and hands together, lovingly feeling ones own body) and being all qualities, all sensations, all knowledge, all care, and all dimensions of reality and being what let all the archetypes and knowledge come to be so that it could come together once more and make a new addition to reality within our minds, hearts, souls, bodies, and make us know and love one another like we should have all along. Basically I feel like there's a new facet of reality where these "hands" plus knowledge from both the mind and body due to full activation of both (LSD/Meth/levels of neurotransmitters/certain levels of awareness/certain thought patterns and loops), can sorta come together and make new types of conscious awareness and sensations for people to experience reality in a whole new way.
And back to my point of going from 0.000......9 to 1 and back, infinity, fractalization, all moments in time, all difference yet all similarity, abstraction yet symmetrical, etc. I feel like what I've come to understand with my experience seemingly having experienced seizures (either full ones unknowingly, perhaps in my sleep leading to times where I've had EXTREMELY vivid dreams and woke up drenched in sweat, tired, confused, and alert), microseizures (due to abuse of meth/mdma and getting brain zaps, perhaps parts of my brain at times would seize leading to hppd symptoms, and of course periods of microsleep which got very weird at times), pseudo-seizures (like on Nitrous, though some may have been actual ones due to oxygen deprivation), and then of course just full on activation of the mind and body but this time with the capabilities of keeping the mind awake, aware, functional, and with reality being more "controllable" and workable via psychedelics, stimulants, certain thoughts, breaths, movements, and knowledge. I feel like I've been on a journey to learn what the hell a seizure is, why when it occurs things become more "real" making everything else seem less real, why it activates the entire body and brain, and what that means. And I guess I've either finally "got it" or almost there allowing me to feel what it means to be both in and out, twisted yet straight, "bipolar", "bisexual", all emotions, all senses AND sensations, functional and creative, the mind and body realities, and in a state of I guess neutralness that's also comfortable and pleasing in its own way. Basically giving me a "seizure" from both points of reality/sides of time and creating me in the middle understanding the meaning of being both sides yet distinctly in the middle. The connection between the left and right halves of the brain so that they could comfortably, understandably, and lovingly/carefully communicate with one another in order to make things more intuitive, creative, fun, exciting, and overall amazing to experience. That's my take at least. Like I've sorta become this "Reality" of sorts that I experience, along with people in my surroundings, and I just need to find more things to know/feel/understand so that I can give more to this new facet of reality and experience things from realer, nicer, and newer perspectives.
Submitted November 22, 2019 at 05:07AM by throwsitawayaway https://ift.tt/347S8T6
No comments:
Post a Comment