I've been a shut in for years. For a while I was doing better, but about a year ago I fell back into it. Some of my friends have been particularly worried about me the past couple of months as a result. For a bit I wasn't even answering my phone or texts. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Reddit has been my only form of contact with the outside world for a bit now.
Today I woke up. It's a miserable day for trick or treating, which told me that the only smiling faces I would get to see today (outside of my roomies), would not be stopping by to get that candy. Which is sad for them. I hand out full bars. I'm talking about the trick or treaters that is. This made me feel sad and I was sitting on my bed thinking about it and I said fwuck it.
I railed against my inner sloth.
Fought myself tooth and nail to put on that shirt, pull up that sock, tie that shoe. First I made it out of my room. Lazy devil in my mind screaming GO BACK TO BED. ITS WARM ITS SAFE. Then I made it through the kitchen. STAY AT HOME. MAKE SOME EGGS. YOU LIKE EGGS. Stepped out the front door. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, GET BACK IN THE HOUSE IT'S COLD AND RAINING. Got to my car and with one determined action after another I got in and I started driving.
I had no idea where I was going or what to even do. So I drove to the pet supply store near my house and spent a bunch of money I don't really have to spend. Got the dog a new cuddle-toy, a bone bigger than he is (which he is currently on top of chewing on as if he's never had a bone before) and some new nail clippers cause it's time. Got the cat some cat-nip mice, a weird toy with a noisy ball in it and feathers and a glove I can wear for grooming purposes.
I also got the doggo one more, well technically three more things. One unicorn Halloween costume, a winter doggie sweater and some new all weather doggie shoes, but outside of the Halloween costume he needs the sweater and shoes. He's a tiny dog and doesn't do well on walks during bad weather unless he's suited up. If it's dry and there's no snow he's fine, but winters can be a bit harsh here.
Whatever the case? I LEFT THE HOUSE. ON MY OWN. NO PROMPTING. No one messed with me, no one scowled at me, people seemed to be on their best behaviour on the road. I didn't freak out. I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't fly into a rage. After shopping I drove around some more and even stopped to get something to eat. At a restaurant. A sit down restaurant.
ALL THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE FROM THE COMFORT OF MY BEDROOM and online.
I'm not looking for congratulations, I'm not looking for validation. I know, in the grand scheme of things and how this world is, everything I wrote above seems stupid and shallow. OH YAY ANOTHER LAZY BUM BRAGS ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE. Thing is? I'm not a lazy bum. I just have a hard time being around other people. Especially in public spaces when there are large groups. At home I don't stop. I clean, I cook, I fix, I landscape (back yard is 5 acres of peace) I write music, I make art, I do crafts. Just sometimes I do all it in my own room. Sometimes I do nothing but play video games and read. Or browse and rant about stuff here on reddit.
Today my entire being was screaming at me to stay home and be depressed. Lay around all day sad. I refused to listen. I got up, I got out. While I did spend money on shit I really should not have, when I got home my pupper who was already happy to see me about bowled over in excitement when I busted out the bag full of presents for him. He already knew it was for him and went right for the plushie. Paraded it around the house before coming back into the room and seeing a giant freaking bone that as far as he is concerned came from a dinosaur. The cat has yet to find her new toys, she's currently in the process of decimating her pot of cat grass.
I'm home now and back in my room. BUT I'M STILL DRESSED. In a couple of hours I'm going to dress the pupper in his new costume, put on my old witches hat, a long black dress and break out the good ole handy umbrella; and since the neighborhood has decided not to do their yearly Halloween thing (due to the down-pour) I'm going to fill my witches basket full of all the candy bars and caramel apples I have and I'm going door to door. THERE WILL BE TRICK OR TREATING IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD THIS YEAR. Even if it means bringing the festivities to them one house at a time.
I don't know if folks will be receptive, but I do know there is no postponing with this event and kids will not be out over the weekend to make up for lost sweets. Most of the people in the neighborhood have met me, usually while I'm walking my dog, provided I'm not in shut-in mode. I do contribute to the community, albeit usually it's through donations. So I'm not worried about be a stranger with candy. I'm just worried they will think I'm weird or be annoyed, that being said I don't know if I care.
My point is, I FORCED MYSELF up and out today. It went well and now I'm inspired to get out again. Nothing sucks worse in the States on the East Coast than missing the one time of year you can, as a child, get and eat as much candy as your guts can handle. FOR FREE. Maybe if my plan goes well tonight...... I won't be such a nervous wreck next time I try to leave the house.
Thanks for reading to anyone who did. My post is completely selfish and there is nothing in my life currently that can compare to the atrocities occurring around the world, But I've had a hard time for a long time (PTSD among other issues) so this was a pretty big leap for me today. A leap I really did not want to take. Just something inside me told me if I didn't do it today I would be in for a bad time in the future.
So I listened to that voice.
Submitted October 31, 2019 at 09:47PM by Whale_Whispers https://ift.tt/2N2uMbo
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