Here’s the sitch. I recently turned 18, haven’t been working since I quit my job months ago and planning to study late January. I’ve been told by my parents that the way I act and think is the equivalent of a child. (If it’s important, im a female) I feel like I should add some background info to this to see if it could correlate to anything in my childhood. As a child (around 1st grade to 3rd grade maybe? It’s all fuzzy) I was sexually harassed in a regular basis by a family member, which didn’t really affect me until I started getting into puberty. Extremely insecure, anxious all the time and painfully shy. I’ve been using that as an excuse to why I’m like this but maybe it’s something else. I’ve also been a fan of anime since I was young, and tend to especially like the cute types (ex: idol anime, slice of life), and have grown to have attachments/obsessions over stickers and stationary (god especially stickers, not exactly for sticking places but just to have them). I’m currently hoping to study for art history, as I’ve loved drawing since I was a kid. But as I grew older I’ve begun to compare my art to others and get to the point where I’m now so slow to finish a piece. I’m working on it to become more confident in my art. I thought I was mature enough in the right places, like when I worked I knew I had to be serious most of the time, goofing off when my coworkers and I would hang around. At home I didn’t feel the need to be ”mature” unless I started cleaning/organizing stuff or take care of my siblings. What my mother says isn’t good is that I tend to get hooked on idol games and can play all day. I agree with that because I’ll ignore my basic human functions to keep playing. But she’s also mentioned me liking cartoons still as an 18 year old, and thinking negatively about everything, especially with myself, or holding back because I’m too scared. I have had suspicions of me having anxiety of some sorts because I tend to overthink things way too much, can’t really focus as well as I used to unless it’s picking on something, I pick on my nails a lot to the point of blood, really bad memory (I’ve heard that’s a sign of anxiety?), it gets harder to breathe in certain situations, etc. maybe I’m wrong but I still want to make sure by reaching to a professional to correctly diagnose me if I had anything. What I hate about these kinds of talks is that I tend to get extremely anxious and depressed afterwards, nitpicking to all of my flaws to the point of feeling suicidal or wanting to self harm (I know I won’t, but the thought are still there). The sound of me not acting like, me, or having these interests makes me uncomfortable. I like being like this. To me change is such a stressful thing, even if it’s just as small as having a haircut. I know I have to be a functional adult soon and fend for myself, but the adult world is so different from what I have in my head. It sounds childish to think that me thinking more about myself and money and businesses and politics is just, pointless. When I watch cartoons or anime or draw cute things and have stickers, I feel like I’m clinging on to any innocence I have left. I wouldn’t want to put that to the side and force myself to think in a way that isn’t me, or what wouldn’t work with someone like me. I could just be stubborn, and force myself to drop all this and focus on what everyone wants from me, while I’d just be unhappy throughout that. I don’t even know how to explain all this correctly. I hope anyone can answer this and help me fix this dumb dilemma of mine.
Submitted October 25, 2019 at 06:42AM by Shouldibelikethis https://ift.tt/2MJRfcR
No comments:
Post a Comment