A bit of background, I'm 25F, living in the PNW. Graduated from college a couple years ago and I'm now working an awesome job in my field. My roommate is 23F. She's from the east coast, graduated college last summer and moved here to try and find a career and to be my roommate. We met in 2015 on a humanitarian trip and have been friends since, we've been living together for just over a year now.
Over the past year living with my roommate, I've begun to suspect that she might have Aspergers, but she doesn't seem to be aware of it. Here's a list of some of the things that have led me to think this:
- She tends to hyperfocus on topics and doesn't seem to pick up cues that others aren't interested. Shortly after moving here, she became vegan (not for animal rights reasons, just as a challenge to eat healthier). At every opportunity we see each other she spends a very long time talking about the recipes she made that day in extreme detail down to ingredients, what she wants to try next, etc. She does not seem to pick up social cues that I and others are trying to convey that we want to move the conversation forward to other topics, she'll just circle back around to it. I don't know how to tell her that as much as I care about her as my friend, I don't care about the specific ingredients of what she had for lunch. Or breakfast. Or last night's dinner. She has said she's bad at reading social cues, but I asked her once if there was something that I could do to help her with them - mentioning that sometimes around our friends it's become awkward because she's kept going on and on about a subject when everyone else was obviously not interested, and she began to cry because she'd never realized - I abandoned the topic pretty quick after that. However, several friends in our mutual friend group have come to me privately to ask about her talking so much, that I'm afraid they might not invite her to as many things in the future if this continues.
- It seems like she constantly has difficulties parsing what I say from what I mean - and I've been trying to improve on this and be more clear since realizing it. Example - I was working on the computer in my room, she came in and sat on my bed with her lunch and started talking to me. I said "Hey, no food in my bed" (bed and sheets are *brand* new and super expensive). She didn't stop because she thought I was kidding when I wasn't. Or she'll say "Friend X and I are going to this bar on friday. I know it's not really your thing but if you want to come you're welcome to". And when I responded "Ok cool", I was acknowledging that she had plans and that I'd heard her, and that I'd consider going, while she took that as absolute certainty that I was going with them and then got *pissed* when I didn't feel up to going on that night (I have frequent migraines which makes stuff like that difficult), but I'm also just rather introverted and don't enjoy that atmosphere much.
- While we are friends, she seems dependent on me socially like a girlfriend even though we aren't romantically attached. At first I thought this was because I was the only person she knew in the area, but over the last year she's made several friends. While it's courteous as roommate & friend to let them know your schedule, it feels like I have to consider her like a significant other or she will be offended - like if I want to go see a movie with another friend of ours and don't invite her because I specifically wanted to spend quality time with them. It feels like I have to consider her in the planning of everything I do to not hurt her feelings when I don't feel like I should have to.
- It seems like she doesn't have as much consideration/feeling for my property or feelings. Her cat mauled the hell out of my tv remote, and the cover of my high school yearbook which I'd left sitting on the coffee table overnight, and her only response - no apology - was that I shouldn't have left them out. She used a special pizza block that my late grandfather gave me as a present as a surface to work on for an art project and left it covered in superglue - thankfully after scrubbing it for several hours with nail polish remover I was able to get most of it off. When I asked her about it she said she didn't think it was important and was just going to replace it. I don't mind it being used for its intended use of baking - I'm not going to leave it on a special shelf and never used it, but it really hurt my feelings that she didn't even ask before almost ruining it just thinking it would be fine to buy another. She also decided that she thought we were paying too much for where we're living right now and started talking about us moving to a cheaper apartment without asking me my feelings - I really love our apartment.
- She does not like breaking routine. Because she works nights and I work 9-5, I've asked her once or twice if she could pick up something from the post office for me that they failed to deliver because our post office is really only open the same hours I work. This deviance from her normal daily routine was a major deal for her and she puts a lot of stock in doing exactly the same routine every day. She's working a night job right now while looking for a job in her field, and I try to send her openings I find with encouragement to apply as soon as possible. I've offered to help her with her resume, portfolio, etc, but she will not work on other job apps during the work week because it messes with her routine, but gets immensely frustrated when the job is no longer there by the time she gets around to applying a couple weeks later.
I know a lot of this sounds like complaining but she truly is a really good person, otherwise I wouldn't be living with her. I feel obligated as her friend that I should say something about what I've noticed, as she does seem truly genuinely bothered by what she has noticed herself about having a difficult time picking up on social cues. I don't know if I should say something or now, or how to bring it up if I did. Any advice is appreciated.
Submitted September 25, 2019 at 03:05AM by Oromuerto https://ift.tt/2mtAGr6
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