I wanted to share my story with you so that I can perhaps help others locate biological family. I realize that not everyone's story and circumstances are exactly like mine, but I do hope to inspire creativity in your search as well as perseverance. After all, every one who was adopted knows that there is always an innate longing for self-discovery. While I could provide much more detail, I don't want to make a long story longer, so please bear with me and thank you for reading:
Background: I am a male of 28 years of age and was born in 1990. My older brother, 30, was born in 1989. We are biological brothers and we were adopted together in a closed adoption through the Texas Department of State Health Services. Our adoptive parents were very transparent about it, ever since I can recall. When we were in late childhood and early adolescence, we had questions, of course. I recall both of us, specifically my brother, feeling somewhat ostracized by our adoptive extended family and our adoption and lack of resemblance definitely seemed like the obvious alternative. My adoptive mother had basically told us that our biological mother was a prostitute and was addicted to drugs, that our father was not listed on either of our birth certificates, and that she was probably dead. My brother and I were intrigued and while my adoptive parents were not opposed to us searching, they did tell us that in order to find them, we would need to be 18.
I recall years ago asking questions and while I think there was some level of transparency, my adoptive mom was pretty guarded about it and exclaimed that it was a closed adoption so we did not have a lot of information. We begged her to show us the documentation probably when I was about 13. She was able to find her name and a general background on her, a description of what she looked like, and that was that. It was clear, to me, that my adoptive parents would not facilitate our search, but that my brother and/or I would need to be eighteen years of age before we could get further. My brother would often incite in me a passion of rediscovering them by discussing it at length with me. While he was often the person to load the idea gun, he usually asked me to pull the trigger.
My brother turned 18 in 2007: I was still 16. I reminded him that he could officially commence a search to find them. He is generally more of an introvert and while he had capability of doing so, he did not act. After several mentions and impending inactivity, I realized I would need to do it myself.
I turned 18 in 2008: It was either the day I turned 18 or shortly afterwards that I signed up on multiple adoption registries to try to find my biological mother. Very few were free to use, and only having a debit card at the time, I decided it was not worth my while to sign up for a membership when I searched high and low using her first and last name to get a lead, but it was all for naught. I would check up occasionally over the next couple years, but realized I would need a more robust and likely costly solution to pin down any answers. With college being imminent and my ability to do anything about it being limited, I shrugged it off under self-assured expectations that she was probably deceased and that a few years would not make a difference in the grand scheme of things, since already nothing had materialized.
Discovery in 2012: I can't remember why exactly, but I had a specific health question as it related to medical issues on a day I was at work. I asked my adoptive mom to look through what she had on my adoption in hopes of finding anything useful. I lived about 5 - 6 hours away from my adoptive parents at this time (in Forth Worth, TX), so I was not able to review them myself. My adoptive mom started reading the information and was reminiscing on it. At this point, she was reading it very objectively, trying to find information. She read more details that I was not aware of from before, with content about her mother and maternal grandmother and also specifics about my brother being abused. The most interesting find, though, was what she found written on the top of court documents...
Back in 1989 and 1990, clerically, there was a lot of redacting and information-obscuring that was required in order to officiate this adoption and also give my parents sufficient information on our background. However, this was also an adoption case through the state where, likely, a lack of funding, and even more likely, a lack of concern, went in to the redacting of said documents. By 2012, information that was blacked out with what my adoptive mom described as a "sharpee" was now visible, including my biological mother's Social Security Number. She read the number off to me and a spark of hope ignited that I might be able to find her.
Immediately, I hopped online to see that I could, in fact, verify the number against the Death Master File (from the Social Security Administration) to determine whether or not she was dead or alive. "She's certainly dead," I thought to myself. I found a website that required me to pay $2.99, which I deemed a sound investment. I entered the number, pressed the button and my heart fluttered. According to the website, she was deceased. "No surprise," I thought, "I wonder when." as I looked down, I read that the owner was deceased in "2012." It was 2012... I was devastated. All senses of hope I had vanished and instant regret and the five stages of grief washed over me as I bawled. I compartmentalized it all ( I was also at work) and within the hour, I contacted my brother and told him. I tried to do as much independent research as I could, but I needed back-up. Through another premium membership to access information about the SSN, I found a residence associated with it in Dallas, TX, which also gave us her middle name and date of birth. Funny since I lived in the DFW, but not surprising since I was adopted from there. My brother sent me a link to her obituary, where all the information matched. The ministry that held her funeral was literally less than 2 miles from where I was. I immediately left work and knew I had to go there.
While I was on the way, I called the ministry asking if anyone who might have known her was there and that I was her biological son etc. I was told that there was someone there who did know her and that she would be happy to meet me. I walked in and they knew immediately that I was her son. They mentioned that my biological mother had spent her later years in halfway and community houses and died of cirrhosis of the liver. They gave me the number of the community house she last lived at and told me that a friend of hers still lived there. I called immediately and the director told me I could stop by the next day. I didn't skip a beat and went the very next day. I was fortunate enough to meet a woman who knew my mother in the very last days who allegedly was very close to her. She started crying when we spoke. I could tell she had been afflicted by substances, but was trying to take her at her word.
She described my biological mother and told me countless information about her medical history, she told me that our mother talked about me and my brother. She told me about my biological mother's mother and her mother and about my mother's father and about who she conjectured mine and my Brother's father to be. She gave me a few additional resources and I explored them to the best of my abilities, including trying to reach out to her case worker, but in vain, I was not able to get very far and with this woman's brain being somewhat fried, simple names and other information was not clear. She did hold onto some of my biological mother's assets including a journal and her driver's license, which she gave to me. Of the information she did give that I was able to verify, included: the death of my biological mother's mother and her mother (I found an obituary from 1992) and I was able to find her biological father's name, who I assumed was probably also deceased. I was extremely grateful for my biological mother's friend and appreciative of the role she had near the end of my biological mother's life, but it was as far as I could go at the time without hiring a lawyer or trying to prove the man who she thought my father was, was in fact him. I was at a stalemate, but for the time, I was content.
Culmination in 2019: I got laid off from my job the last day of August. Aside from actively trying to find a new one, I knew I needed other interests to fill my time and give me a sense of stimulation. After receiving a request on 23andme from a distant (4th cousin) to connect and share DNA, it sparked my interest to refine my own history. I decided to sign up on Ancestry.com for a premium membership with a more than likely inclination to cancel after the free trial. I started creating a family tree. Now I knew my biological mother, I could add her and I knew my biological grandmother's name. I found my biological mother's birth certificate and my biological Grandfather was listed on it. To my surprise, his first and middle name legally were inverted. I could not go further on his side, so started mapping my maternal grandmother's lineage. As I started going as well as trying to find adoptive family information, I realized that it was a lot easier to find information over dead relatives than living relatives. Then I came back to my biological mother's father... I couldn't find a birth certificate or death certificate, even knowing his birth date... Could he be alive?
From recent reference, I remembered the website Truepeoplesearch.com as an active directory with multiple carriers' clients' information. It's a tool that I personally use all the time when a number texts me that I do not know or I want to try to get someone's number based on their name or address. I decided to enter my biological mother's father's name to see if anything popped up. Based on the records of his birthday in 1940, I knew he was either 78 or 79. I did a mass search with his name (fairly common) in Texas and I found a person who was 78. It listed several numbers and addresses on it that might have been his or someone else's. Per usual, the first phone number listed is the most likely wireless number with landlines and previous numbers listed beneath. Of course, I could in no way, know if this was him, but I decided to text it anyway.
I went ahead and texted the number trying to be as direct and not creepy as possible. The number simply replied that it did not know who I was trying to reach, but this wasn't it. With my biological grandfather being older, I also realized that it's possible he only used a landline, so I called it. No answer. I looked at the directory again to see "Associated Names," which is a section at the bottom that often nails people related or associated with the person. I saw a female's name I did not recognize at the top, but with all the other names seeming irrelevant or belonging to people who I thought might have just been lumped in based on a common name, I decided to do a quick google search to find her and I found her obituary from 2014. From the obituary, I was able to parse out who was who in her "Associated Names" and determined that of all the people listed, I would try to go with who I thought was the youngest and most likely to be active through text, her nephew. I found his information and sent a text listing my association with his Aunt. I received a call back within 10 minutes.
With butterflies, I answered it. He confirmed that his mother's sister was married to who I thought my biological grandfather was. He said he knew that he had been remarried before twice, but that after his Aunt's death, he did not stay in contact with him just due to how introverted he was. He briefly described a troubled past that seemed to align with what I understood to be true from my biological mother's friend. Even though I was not 100%, I had a feeling it was him. The nephew told me he would try to find someone I could get in contact with, but said if I was willing to wait, he could drive by their old house and find an address. He also mentioned that he had a son with a very similar name and that while he did not have his phone number, he would probably be the best person to reach. Instantly, I went back to the original Truepeoplesearch.com page and found his son's page. Without waiting, I sent a text. About 2 hours later, I received a reply asking how I got his information, so I told him a condensed version of the how with a disclaimer that he had no obligation to assist, but that I was looking for answers. He texted back that he thinks he can help me and asked if I could take call later. I obliged and spent a couple hours patiently waiting. I got the call.
I answered and he described that my biological mother was his half-sister, but that he was adopted as well by his second wife (My grandmother was the first). He mentioned that being 14 years younger than she, he did not spend a lot of time with her. He said that his father was still alive and that he had often asked about my brother and I. I asked if he would be open to speaking and he said he would ask him. We spent about an hour on the phone, talking about my biological mother and her father and everything he possibly knew. He wanted to know about us personally so I divulged and asked him as well. The conversation ended that he would get back in touch with me ASAP after he talked to his dad and conceded that he was kind of like my half uncle. We traded pictures of everyone and I called my brother and told him to be on standby. I spent a good hour studying my grandfather, trying to pickup resemblance, likeness, and understanding.
A few hours later, "my half uncle" texted that our Grandfather would like to speak to us and that when he implied that someone reached out to him out of the blue, he knew immediately it was us. He gave us his number and said he was available. I called my brother who was eating a hamburger and told him I was going to conference him into a call with him. A voice answered and said, "Hello." I responded with my name and my brother's name and introduced myself. He said he wondered if we would ever try to reach out and alluded to the fact that he wanted to know more, but knew that we must have a thousand questions, so he said he wanted to help answer anything he could. I had so many questions written down in fact, but nowhere technically did I have the first question that came out of my mouth, "How was she?" We talked for about 2 hours, learning about each other, learning about the past, learning about the present, learning about medical history. We agreed to stay in touch and I learned that not only did he have a Facebook account, but he was an artist who also had his art listed on Facebook. Almost as paramount, I asked about hair loss as A. I knew hair loss is mainly inherited through the Maternal Grandfather and B. I had not seen a picture of his hair without a hat. To my delight, he had a full head of hair. Whew! We agreed to say connected and he just accepted my Facebook request.
Summary: After living a life in an alternative reality, I can't begin to describe the purity of re-connecting to your biological roots. All the same, it's foreign. It's almost like re-learning a motor skill after a tragedy. I encourage anyone who is trying to search for answers to be as resourceful as possible. I realize not everyone is as fortunate as I am to re-connect and not everyone has the information, means, or resources to do so. I do think back and wonder if I had discovered who my mother was even one year before if I meeting her would have been fulfilling or if, considering the circumstances, I would have been taxed with responsibility of her affairs leading up to her death and become embittered by it. More than ever, I am very thankful for my adoptive parents for raising me and giving me a life I would not have had. Adoption is truly an amazing testament of love for all parties involved and I understand this now more than ever before. With some official detective work under my belt, maybe I've been in the wrong industry all along.
Submitted September 30, 2019 at 01:04PM by objective_thoughts https://ift.tt/2nUOHP9
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