Hi, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, maybe friends, something closer, or just to vent. I'm a 20 year old INFJ male going to a local community college to get my associates in Liberal Arts and then transfer to a university sometime in 2020. Though, school hasn't exactly been my enjoyment as others, and my main passion is.......eSports. eSports? What's eSports? (Beyond this point this will get really nerdy and I have no shame but just want to warn you before you continue 😉). eSports is professional/competitive video game play. I don't want to make this whole post about explaining eSports but if you're interest is fair game, I insist you look into it. It's been something I've been passionate about almost my whole life and I'm going on a trip at the end of September to go watch the Overwatch League Grand Finals in Philadelphia. It'll be first eSports event because I haven't exactly always had the money to go (you know, life) and they're not usually close by. To throw in some MBTI and cognitive functions, I do really feel all my or our functions come into play (haha get it?) when I play (super cringe). "Instinct" is my usual gamertag in games and I feel my instincts come from my Ni or intuition and my fast reaction time and dexterity come from Fe and Se. But also linking this with school and Liberal Arts, with eSports blowing up and becoming global, there has to be journalist that cover it. I feel if I'm not competing, I could be writing articles about eSports and the lastest news going on with it. Also quite a few eSport Athletes are Streamers and YouTubers, which is also what I want to branch into. I envision having a YouTube channel with gaming and also psychological and philosophical videos to give myself and viewers peace of mind. So I get to scratch all my itches of careers I want to pursue almost all in one. That'll end my part of eSports but definitely ask me here or DM me for more info on it.
Entertainment wise, I love comics, anime, and a handful of pop culture stuff. Currently watching JoJo, hoping to catch up on Demon Slayer, The Flash, Stranger Things, and more. I've been busy with work and just getting my first apartment but I've kept my ear out on what Marvel and DC have coming next. Definitely need to catch up on comics.
A bit more personal about me, my birthday is coming up but I'm not too interested in drinking and smoking is a straight no for me. My job is a cashier which I've worked a year now, and as I mentioned before, I just got my first apartment, which I'm happy about yet.... It's not exactly great celebrating it alone. And just kind of about everything I've accomplished in the last few years since I've graduated high school. I have never dated or been in a relationship, yet always imagined about in typical INFJ or me fashion. The closet thing I had to this was a former friend from around the time of my senior year of high school to me starting my cashier job. Can't say we broke up because we were never together, but it's kind of funny or ironic I can't pinpoint the origin of my "if it really is one" Ni-Ti loop, if it had as I met her, before, if I'm still in it. I can DM anyone interested about more details but the first day at my job about over a year ago now (started in July) was the day I said I have to stop talking to her for my own sanity. And since then, I've felt like the most crummiest, rudest, sarcastic, narcissistic, brat to my co-workers or just anyone. I'm doing better now since I've been aware of just behavior from myself, but I believe what was such a wake up call and maybe part of "adulting" or maturing, whether it was a curse or gift from my relationship with that person, was the awareness of boundaries. Constantly with her, my co-workers, and just about everyone I know, I'm trying to figure out where they fit in my life, who can I open to who will understand AND accept me, who can I tell my worries to and won't shame me for them, who wants to love and hold me, etc. I just actually got hit with an interesting theory and think maybe this is a Ni-Ti loop we all have to swim through it some point in life, and as stressful and cruel as it can be, we'll be happier and more comfortable having overcome that challenge of finding out who we can trust. I think one of the hardest parts of this for me is most people's advice to me when I mention some kind of reference to this all is something of or similar to "It takes time." And I used to somewhere long ago understand and accept that but I'm thinking No! No! No! because I want these things to happen now before I change my philosophy(ies) and become something that doesn't go in line of my past philosophy(ies). I don't know if any of this made sense lol but it is 3 in the morning. I will say, I have found someone I am interested in at my job (way to go and ruin your chances of finding someone on this subreddit 😵) My ideal partner would usually be my age but she is older by some years. And I don't know it's a good thing why I can't explain all the reasons she's always been on my mind and just feeling instead of thinking (hint the Ni-Ti loop) but I recall from when I started while being the brooding hot mess I was (and still am at times) she's always been kind and looked out for me in direct and subtle ways. Such has warmed my heart and has kept me at the job. Though on the concerning side has been me always feeling like an old soul and mature around others yet still being naive and still immature in ways to be a proper partner to her and when I've asked her out, it's she's busy and my patience gets and has been drained, and maybe she has just been just being nice and a friend. I would almost concluded this but when I've gone back to keeping to myself, she checks on me and has gone out her way to make me feel better. I've heard an interesting of sayings lately like "If you're worth it enough, they'll make time for you." And "You should only gave someone as much time as they gave you." yet what contrasts is "The things that are worth it the most, require the most patience." And always go the extra mile to show people you care. It's this conundrum where I can't tell if the feelings are mutual, if she or even I subconsciously need more time ( I haven't been in the best mind state I think from my last "relationship", moving out on my own, kind of the black sleep of my family (INFJ(me), ENTJ, ISFP, ISTP, ESFP), no irl friends to hang out with, not really even the co-workers at my job which really kind of has been my social life.) I'm just praying it isn't deju vu again. I'm like a cat with it's nails hooked into a tree, trying not to get my feelings, hopes, and dreams crushed again. I moved out on my own so I can start to grow more and take my goals and ambitions more seriously, maybe even a relationship ;)
Thank you all for reading and sticking with me. I love questions so please ask away rather here or a direct message. Definitely will read and try to reply to them all.
Submitted September 19, 2019 at 10:49AM by Instinct1230 https://ift.tt/330pCBZ
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