Hello and welcome to Post Pull Depression, the only thread that will never forgive F13 for overshadowing Nier’s release date.

I do a lot for PPD, really I do. I replayed FF8 (ugh) when Squall was close, I just finished replaying Crisis Core (don’t forget your dreams and remember your honor) for Zack’s release… but you know what I won’t do? Touch FF13 again. You might be thinking, well it’s not nearly as old as those other two, it’s fresh in my mind! The game was released in March 2010. It’s almost a full decade old! Almost old enough to travel unsupervised throughout the world collecting Pokemon.

Maybe when FF13 is old enough to drink my nostalgia will overcome me (remember that really cool corridor?) but until that happens FF13 is safely off my replay list. FF13-2 is cool though, not cool enough to replay though...

Let's take a look at the units!

SazhAfro Man

Sazh: SAD!

Poor Sazh, I feel like he was the only normal person in the entire game.

his normal life was snatched away when the fal'Cie branded his son, Dajh, a l'Cie.

CG Lid: “Uh… What were they talking about?”

Great question Lid. Let me explain!

l’Cie - by the way, that is a lowercase l, not an uppercase I. The l’Cie are humans who have been branded by the fal’Cie with a Focus. Shit, what are those?

fal’Cie - yes lowercase f. The fal’Cie are basically machine-gods who like to fuck with people, including cursing little boys like Sazh’s son.

Focus - something I was not able to do throughout the entirety of the game. I mean, it’s a task that the fal’Cie give to an l’Cie and if they fail they become a Cie’th. Shit, what is that?

Cie’th - yes we capitalize the C for this one. A Cie’th is basically the l’Cie who failed at their Focus given by the fal’Cie which is represented as a brand and then turned into a monster.

Everybody got it now?

CG Lid: “Uh… What were they talking about?”

Moving on...

TMR: 20?

Twenty-sided Die - Physical Evade 20%

One of the first of the “wtf goomie?” items. A twenty-sided die that does in fact have only ten sides. Little did we know back then that this kind of oversight would be standard moving forward.

Oh and I’m still using this. Bring back Rico so I can moogle prism his TMR. My dumbass sold the stacks of them I got last go around.

Depression: SUGAR AND RAINBOWS

I was looking up ridiculous quotes from FF13 (turns out it's the entire game script) and one of the ones that seem to have stuck out the most was from Sazh.

Sazh: "You think you die and that's that? You think you die and everything will be sugar and rainbows?"

That's actually a great line. I normally say this exact same thing (not in reference to dying, I don't live a very dramatic life) but with some combination of sunshine, lollipop, or rainbows. "Oh really, I stop drinking beer and then everything's going to be just sunshine and lollipops! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!"

FINAL FANTASY XIII

Crystarium Unlocked

Wtf just happened? Are we getting the title drop this late in? It’s been like 4 game hours? And just now we can do all the crystarium shit… It’s going to be a long game for more reasons than just one.

SnowSnow Bro

Name: Dumb

Seriously the guy’s name is Snow? Oh I bet that’s a code name, right? Like how Lightning is actually named ~~Éclair~~ Claire? No, he is actually named Snow… I guess it probably super fits his personality though?

An irrepressible, fiery young man, Snow dives headfirst into danger using nothing but his powerful physique as a weapon.

Fuck you FF13.

Ok, but his esper (err Eidolon) has to be Shiva right? How are they going to give such a macho dude a girly esper (err Eidolon) like Shiva?

Turn her into two sisters that incest transform into a motorcyle that’s how. The Finas would be proud.

Fuck you FF13.

TMR: 2017 META

Champion’s Belt - ATK+30, DEF+30, ATK/DEF+20% when fisting

I actually farmed two of these back in the day (yes they stack!) and I think I used it once? With Equip Grappling Arm (or whatever the fuck equip fist is called) I was able to bump up someone’s attack by like 10 points. Maybe it was Orlandu or something I don’t remember. Just that I wanted to use Fist Mastery and Aigaion’s Arm.

Depression: PUNCHING BAG

…

Oh sorry, I was just watching Snow getting punched for about 10 mins straight. Lightning would have been the greatest FF character ever if she just went in and punched the shit out of everybody in FF13… herself included.

Future HopeFuck Me All the Good Hope Jokes Have Been Taken

Hope: Leads to Despair

I really want to say that Hope is the worst FF13 character, but they are all so bad it’s like picking which is the worst STD. Hope has two main purposes in the game, to fuel cringy fan art of him being molested by Lightning and to try kill and Snow. I thought he wanted Snow dead because he’s well Snow… but it’s also because:

Memories of Mom - Increase MAG (30%) Auto-heal (600 HP, 1.8x) per turn

Spoiler alert, he blames Snow since his real mom dies like 30 minutes into the game. And I thought moms were tough? Apparently not tough enough to tank a rocket.

Someone who was able to pay attention while playing FF13 (I just rubber banded the controller in the straight direction and took a nap) might tell you that Hope is there for (cheap) character development:

Under Lightning's tutelage, Hope matures into an efficient fighter and confident individual in control of his emotions. He becomes willing to throw himself into harm's way for others' sake, show his sense of humor, and comfort his friends. Advising his companions and remaining positive in dire situations, Hope ultimately lives up to his namesake as he, in a way, becomes the spiritual leader of the group and gives hope to his friends.

Whatever (insert jerk off hand motion here). Fuck Hope. And fuck FF13.

TMR: B-day Present

Survival Knife - Dagger ATK+18, MAG+117, SPR+105

This knife was actually a present that Lightning’s sister, Serah, gave her for her birthday. Worst birthday ever!

STMR: Sunscreen

Shining Guardian of Hope - Increase MP (30%) and MAG (50%) Increase light resistance (100%)

Thank god! Finally a great source of light resistance… for the whole two fights in the game where you need that. Even then Carbuncle doesn’t really count anymore because you can actually just blast through his crazy high DEF with our top DDs.

Depression: SEVERE

I’m so glad we are doubling down on the extra shit rainbow just to fuck up a banner. I got worried there with that Sylvie/Esther banner and feared having two great rainbows at once would be too much for us to handle. Thankfully Goomie is being very considerate and giving us Morgana and now Fuck Hope to screw people over. Whew!

CG LightningLightning, But Now on a Horse

Girl: Cloud

I don't know why people keep asking for the cross-dressing version of Cloud from the infamous Wall Market scene. Lightning is just basically Girl Cloud. She’s supposed to be a no-nonsense badass fighter named after a weather phenomena, but while Cloud has the dichotomy between being a perceived badass and someone who is really just confused af, Lightning is just a total dick the whole game.

You, imaginary lover of FF13, are probably just about to comment: “But Tom, you sexy beast, they made her completely unlikeable on purpose just so over the course of the game she can become slightly less unlikeable! It’s called (cheap) character development!”

Perhaps, but at that point I had already way stopped caring about anything character related at all in the game.

But hey, at least they are playing her off as a cool and strong female character and not just like some dressup doll.

Lightning has the largest set of outfits in the series: she has over ninety different outfits including crossover and downloadable costumes.

Materia: Exclusive

Good news! CG Lightning can use the OG Lightning’s exclusive materia from the Hanging Edge event!

Thunderfall - Lightning magic damage (2.1x) to all enemies Decrease lightning resistance (50%) for 3 turns to all enemies

Woah! A 2.1x mod? That’s like doing two normal attacks at once and then a bit extra! Of course it’s a magic attack so it doesn’t proc DW… but I mean that 50% lightning imperil more than makes up for it right! Totally BiS for her!

TMR: TDW

Dual Form - Increase equipment ATK (100%) when dual wielding

In case you just crawled out of a rock, grab this moogle from the MK shop, but don’t prism it until you know for sure you need it since the TDW cap is so low most units don’t really need it.

The idea for Lightning to have a sword that can transform into a gun relates to the game's Eidolons; one of the gameplay themes chosen for Final Fantasy XIII was transformation, and the Eidolons can turn into vehicles; if summons could transform, the developers thought weapons should be able to as well.

Wow, how deep. Maybe I can transform the game disc into a frisbee?

STMR: Zantetsuken #42

Zantetsuken (FFXIII) - ATK+169 (nice), Increase equipment ATK (50%) when dual wielding Increase LB damage (30%)

How many Zantetsukens do we have now?

Lightning’s STMR
Lightning's LB
Odin’s summon
PG Lassie’s STMR
Ravus’ skill

Finally Zwill Crossblade has some competition!

Depression: REHASH

Did I already mention that they tried to make Lightning Girl Cloud? Because what I really meant to say was they tried to remake all of FF7 only this time making it open enough to do 2 full sequels, novellas and whatever other bullshit they added before they really got the formula “right” with FF15.

Both games:

Star a soldier
Start with a train sequence
Start in a big tech city and then open up to a low tech world
Have a black guy who really loves his kid and uses guns

To be fair, the game did heavily diverge after their opening acts, but they wanted you to “feel” like they were recapturing that “magic” from your childhood. Yay for manipulation!

Post Pull Depression

Ok, I’ve been a little mean to FF13. I guess I should say something nice about it instead of it being the final nail in the Final Fantasy coffin.

The music kicks ass! This is the first major game not done by series staple Nobuo Uematsu but instead done by Masashi Hamauzu who was better known for the later SaGa series.

Selected choices:

The second nice thing I’ll say is it got difficulty just about right. Some fights were absolutely brutal and when you lost it just shot you right back out so you can go back in with another setup. Made it seem very fair. Or it just lets you spam Death with Vanille until her 1% chance proc’d…

See ya next banner!

Submitted August 03, 2019 at 05:45PM by TomAto314 https://ift.tt/2M0M4pY

nail for girls

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Post Pull Depression - FF13 fans may want to steer clear...