I found out I had Celiac disease a few months ago, via blood test, and am just waiting for an official diagnosis via endoscopy. Right now I'm visiting extended relatives and I am so looking forward to the flight home.
This year has been really sucky, not just for me but for my relationship with my family. I hit rock bottom with being sick (couldn't get out of bed or even change positions lying down because of the pain) while visiting other family abroad, and had to stop eating gluten for a while. My mom wasn't the best on that vacation until it was obvious that I was very, very sick. I'd tried to tell her before with "look, my nails are turning blue because of the anemia" and I got scolded for pointing out my iron deficiency in public, because in our culture you can't admit you have any health problems if you're an unmarried woman lest people gossip that God is punishing your family for sinning (yeesh).
She's been better but we've got some other issues. On this vacation too, I feel like she's meaner when she's with her family.
I'm in the US right now and even though this part of the family haven't been bad, per se, and are even pleasant, I hate being here. Firstly, I still feel like shit. I was off gluten for a few weeks and have been eating it again for about a month and a half. My symptoms are less obvious - low threshold for stress, more depression, general fatigue and weakness, headaches - but I'd rather be sick and tired at home. The second, and wayyy bigger thing though, is that my relationship with one of my family members went to shit this year.
First we had a huge fight in November, over me changing my career path (which I honestly wasn't expecting). We made up, and when I nearly sent myself to the hospital in January because of mental health issues, I confided in him. As time went by and I got more sick I realized that I actually wasn't ready to forgive him for some of the stuff he said before, and was even resentful over long-standing issues that had been simmering under the surface. Knowing now that I'd been getting criticized for so long while I was unknowingly ill added to the pain. It really crushed me, realizing that I didn't trust him anymore. So, with my counselor's help, I worked on compartmentalizing that pain for now and having a conversation about it when I came to visit (which my counselor was actually skeptical about, and recommended not coming to visit for now).
Fast forward to a week before my flight, and I hear that this guy is criticizing my choices behind my back to my younger sibling, saying stuff like "this, this, and this is what _____ is doing wrong in her life and yes, I do actually know what's she should do with her life better than she does". For the record, my decision to change my career path is deeply personal, taken a lot of time and courage, and has been heavily influenced by my experience with mental (and now "physical") health issues. I was very upset about this that day but tried to put it out of my head, but then the next morning I text him, saying that I regret relying on him in January and that he and I don't share the same values and he doesn't understand what it's like to experience being inside of my body. That I'm hurt and just wanted to have a nice family vacation and don't want to hear his advice about my career choices. And he replies with "my family's doing well, don't text me anymore, and you have a big mouth and nothing else."
So I was like, FUCK him, and this whole trip we haven't talked to each other even once. Other relatives have gently but forcibly pressured me to let this whole thing go (and they don't even know about the January thing, because in our culture we don't talk about mental illness! or any of the other stuff I'm mad at, aside from the arts degree fight in November and the texts rn), with people being like "and I talked to him and he says he's not even mad! He just doesn't know what to say to you that won't make you mad, and doesn't understand how you suddenly got angry over the stuff he was saying to your sibling." And from my grandmother, "it wasn't your place to talk back to him. Your sibling shouldn't have told you, and if you had a problem you should've told your mother and she should've talked to him," because blah blah blah age culture.
It's just like.... so tone-deaf. It's been 8 months. I'm fucking ill. He's double my age and I went against the caring advice of several people around me to give him more chances. At this point, I'm done caring about his feelings, and us not talking to each other has made me realize that wow, I really don't want him in my life for now.
Circling back to the Celiac, it just sucks that a) I don't really want to come back to visit next year, even though I have lots of other relatives here, and b) I already have to deal with his shit and adults pressuring me to not only forgive but say sorry to him even if they think he's in the wrong, because he's older, and then c) on top of that I'll be eating completely gluten-free the next time I visit. We had a birthday party today and I was just imagining how next year I'd have all these old people badgering me to eat or telling me that I can at least have this! You're stressing out too much about cross-contamination!
It's...so much of a burden. On the bright side, I've processed a lot of this by now and am going to have a productive conversation with my counselor about what I've learned. This year, I'm focusing on my health, my career, and surrounding myself with positive influences.
Yeah. Fuck people, sometimes.
Submitted August 24, 2019 at 11:07AM by fushigisaur https://ift.tt/2ZjgsSP
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