This is my life, so this is a bit of a long post.
So I am a 19 year old from Lithuania. I recently failed to get into my drean academy, but I will try again next year if I make it anymore.
Everything started from private primary school. I was a kid who liked dragons and cars instead of Barbies and Bratz, so immedietly I was left by myself. I had some friends that I played with and had fun. But when the 4th year rnded..I learned everyone I called friend talked behind my back and made fun. Not to mention I was always bullied by the older kids, by being pushed around and I had my hands stepped on when I hid under the table from them. The teachers also called me weird and did not respect me. I was alone.
Come along middle school, I have found two girls to be my friends, we had fun, but only within school territory, beyond that we are like strangers, sometimes they would invite me at their place to gang out, but theybwere talking behind me too. Telling everyone in school and out of school that I was a disguting human being. Alot of kids feared to touch me and thought I was gross because I had scars on my top of my palms from biting due stress, so there was always a wound. The other kids found it amusing to trip me over and push me around, I always had bruises and sustained a knee i jury because someone kicked me in the knee, it felt like it almost snapped backwards. The teachers made fun of me too, put me in front of class and told everyone to tell their names because I did not bother to reamember their names, why would I. I was alone.
At the same time I was in an art school, everyone was older than me..and they had fun at picking at me too, calling my art shit, taking away my supplies. I know I wasn't Picaso, but I was training. About 2013 my mother started drinking, my dad worked in another city so he didin't help. I reamember the day when it was a cold winter evening about 20.00 (8 pm). I was waiting for my mom to pick me up but she was late a whole hour. She arrived in her Mercedess E class, drunk...When I got in i just greeted her. She started hitting me over my face with her extended nails and yelling and telling me with each hard hit "You shouldn't be born, you should die like my first born. You will be forever alone you piece of shit." That night I was left by the house and I had no keys, so I broke the cellar mini doors to get in. I was cold. She did more later in life. I have a story already written. But she was right... I was alone.
High school, many already knew the lies about me and many avoided me like the plauge. I had one..one friend that I met at a horse riding school. We were great friends, hanged out alot, went to movies, snuggled and watched movies. That lasted for two years, she was my best friend and only trusted friend, but she met new friends..started putting on makeup and dying her hair. She became toxic and tried to change me. Soon she abandoned the horse sport. I was alone. I had "friends" one good friend, but I was closed off now, damaged beyond repair and started skipping leassons to sit somewhere and stare at one dot. I did alot of volunteering and I was part of a school council. But I just worked. I wanted to just do work, I did not hang out anymore, I was afraid to be betrayed again. Home was not better. I deserved to be alone. A pathetic whelp like me does not deserve anything.
I did not care about my graduation, I sat at the the hall and waited to be called out and get my the paper stating my exam scores and my grades. I passed. But so many got thanked for their volunteering, even those who did little. I did not. I guess I desrve that.
I quickly drove home and applied for the aacdemy. And went on volunteering, trying to help animal shelters and a minizoo.
From 2018 september to today I live with my dad and his new love, stepmother...But it was no better, I am now ignored and she always talks behind my back telling me why don't I have a job..despite her not having one too, money was tight and she spent it all to buy her kid an iphone, I didin't even have normal clothing anymore.
I have some people I know online on discord. I sometimes talk to them, but I don't get attached or really care about talking to them. Apart from one guy, until that day I thought I could not live or have feelings for anyone I didin't even thing anyone was handsome in all of my life, I was proven wrong. I have such deep feelings and admiration. I talked to him every day and he gave me hope to carry on, and even managed to cheer me up when no one else could. I have confesed many times. But until recently, he found someone else....It hurts, my heart and stomach became overwhelmed with pain and I couldn't breathe in.
My last ties to having any hope for this life are no more. Seems stupid and you say "There will be more heart break, you are still young. In general there will be more pain" and I would agree if I was less beaten up to the point I am today.
My logical thinking says differently, but emotions and incstincts tell me to avoid any "friends" they will betray. And tell me to do stupid things.
It is the half of the second day of me not drinking or eating, I don't want to. I don't have anything anymore. Everything will just be torture.
Submitted August 31, 2019 at 08:04AM by ZeShapyra https://ift.tt/2zATKqD
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