I’m new to Reddit so I apologize if I do this wrong but I feel so powerless and confused so I could use an outside opinion. I apologize that this is rambles a bit. (Also this account is not my main one for privacy purposes) I already know the default explanation most people will go for: it’s my parent’s fault.... but truthfully it’s not and that’s one of the most baffling parts of this whole thing to me. She’s an adult but I have no idea where she picked up her attitude. I know I may sound harsh in this post but I’ll readily admit I’m angry. I’ve been angry for a long time and finally now feel it because I had shoved my feelings down for so long to try and give my older sister the benefit of the doubt. But after talking everything over with my family: my mom (52F), my dad (60M), and my brother (26M) to see if we all noticed her behaviour I’ve come to realize just the extent of her behaviour. This is my own opinion of things. And what I’ve seen.
We live in western Canada and atm are doing well. But there was a time, I was just a child still so I only caught the tail end of the struggle, when my parents would give up their meals so my siblings could eat. Both my parents worked and I still remember fondly some of the toys Mum would give us seemingly out of thin air. I learned later that she’d scour thrift shops, goodwill, and sometimes even the garbage to find things we’d like. She’d take this damaged, dirty, chipped toy, and spend so much time making it pretty and virtually new for us. I have so many fond memories. I remember particularly one Christmas where I opened my present and there was a plushie black and white horse in it. It was perfect save for a chunk of fur missing. I loved that horse so much. I realized later it was a defect so it was on sale but I didn’t care. We’d call them misfit toys and love them even more because of their defects. I’ve kept most of these gifts and they mean the world to me. Why do I bring this up?
I say this because another common argument for people like my sister is that they came from wealthy homes but she had seen and, being the oldest of us kids, experienced what “in a really tight spot” financially meant more intimately. My parents managed to eventually work and save enough money to call our situation well off.
My parents read so many books on raising children and always instilled values of: empathy, kindness, patience, discussion, appreciation etc in us through conversations, lessons, and leading by example. They also weren’t pushovers. They were kind but weren’t afraid to show us that actions had consequences. Threw a tantrum in a toy store? We left immediately. Complain and be unappreciative about presents? Toys were returned. Of course no parents are perfect but both my brother and I feel so incredibly lucky that we got the parents we did.
So with allllll this hopefully you can see why what I describe next is so bizarre to me. My sister has always been a bit flippant but we used to write it off as teenage stuff and my parents tried to give her space and be there when she needed them. She often got into trouble. Especially starting in high school she’d date boys behind our parents’ back, skip classes, and, despite my parents’ hopes, she did her best to finish high school early at the expense of her grades. She wanted to be an art teacher. My parents are all for getting a job you love and letting nothing get in your way but they also are realistic people. Mum and Dad saw a passion for art in me and my sister and a passion for music and rhythm in my brother at a young age and so did everything they could to foster and encourage that. As we got older, my brother and I were very driven in our creative fields and were determined to work and do whatever was needed to go for our dreams.
My sister was very noncommittal and didn’t really put the effort in. So my parents tried to talk to her about another direction since she really didn’t seem serious. And she admitted to me later that growing up she was jealous of me since she did art first and yet here I was doing art as well and going to college for it. As if I “stole it” from her. She loved fantasy before me so I got into it too when I was little. I shrugged it off and thought “it’s nice my sister is comfortable enough to admit this to me” but then she’s brought it up a couple times and... it makes me wonder if she’s actually over it. I’ve apologized (even though I was like... 10 at the time), and she’s dismissed it saying she’s over it yet why keep bringing it up??? Just to make me feel guilty drawing dragons and gryphons after all these years?
In high school she spent a lot of time in her room and had showed really self obsessive tendencies. We went on vacation and I distinctly remember my parents being upset since they trusted her with the camera and 90% of the pictures were of herself and very few of us. As soon as she could she moved out with her boyfriend at the time (who she lied so so much about over the years and ultimately shattering my parents trust) That time was a blur tbh. I don’t remember much. My parent’s trust in her was absolutely destroyed for several years. I could feel that worry placed on me. Because my sister was so horribly messy with her room and took advantage of the space my parents gave her (she got a mouse in there it was so bad) it often felt like my room wasn’t really mine since they cracked down harder on us after the incident with my sister. My sister was trying to get properly diagnosed and with the right meds. Around this time I was struggling pretty hard with my own problems And the issues with my sister didn’t help. I could tell my parents were scared of me becoming my sister because I struggled so hard with basic functioning. It’s no surprise a lot of miscommunication happened as a result. Later, after getting officially diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and GAD, it made a lot more sense as executive dysfunction and stress so we all talked it out and are okay now and actively working on a solution. I’m not perfect but... at least I’m trying?
My issues are relevant to the next set of problems. My sister had lived with the guy for several years now. My parents severely disliked him and was upset with her for a time. But eventually my sister and the guy managed to get on okay terms with my parents. The guy was p nice in actuality and really tried to make her happy. But a big problem still remained that bothered us all...she was heavily heavily relying on him for income and emotional support. He was like a dad to her and less like a boyfriend with the amount he did.
She admits to me later that she had come close to cheating on him several times but stopped before anything happened. He was hurt but when she wanted to have a break he let her go. She had a boyfriend and internal struggles but she went to therapy. We all got excited and were happy for her. This was when she thought she had BPD. It seemed to fit the bill and we told her how proud we were of her and were patient and supportive as she tried to figure things out. That is until she started using it as an excuse. She had begun saying she had anxiety, depression, BPD, and OCD, and seemed to wear it like a badge of honour. She hadn’t been diagnosed with OCD but would throw it out there. Now I’m not poo-pooing self diagnosis entirely... if you do a lot of research and consult a doctor. But she was just throwing it out as if in comradely like it was nothing to account for her tics (she made a business oops I’ll tackle that debacle later) like enjoying things being neat and organized. Part of me felt like saying “how dare you.” It felt like she was minimizing the years of struggle I had going working through my intense germaphobia, irrational tapping patterns, as well as my circling self doubting thoughts that I’m still working through just so she could add another reason to her checklist of excuses.
“The reason I wanted to cheat on him was cause of my Borderline Personality Disorder.” Mmkay yeah it’s a symptom. I was glad that she understood the reason but... amoungst all the other things it started to feel like an excuse.
PLEASE don’t misinterpret me being ableist. I understand that mental illnesses are a huge problem and aren’t to be minimized! Trust me when I say my parents, my doctor, and I have fought tooth and nail to have a therapist take me seriously when I said my condition was so bad I wasn’t able to be functional. I had to put a pause on the college of my dreams. I couldn’t even get off the couch to draw,my biggest passion and love, because I wanted to stop existing so bad level of mental illness so I completely understand how hard it can be to be taken seriously. My sister is the FIRST AND ONLY case I’ve come across where I genuinely think she’s using it as an excuse and a scape goat for her poor behaviour. It pains me to say it but we have all been understanding again and again and AGAIN so forgive me if I’m tired of hearing her blame any bad behaviour she does on other people and her illnesses instead of owning up and apologizing.
She got back with the guy and she seemed more mature. Key word is seemed. We began to notice a pattern of her always asking for money and for us to do work for her. My parents at this point felt a lot of guilt and self blame so they wanted to make amends. We’d go over and help her scrub and clean her apartment because it bothered her. SEVERAL times I might add and every time within a week the place was horribly messy again. She would thank us but after a while the thank yous felt disingenuous. She kept buying and buying impulse things with money that wasn’t hers.
I had started a small art/card business to raise money for the local homeless shelter around Christmas and she told me that it inspired her to start a business of her own. I‘m ashamed to admit a small part of me was a bit jealous at first cause I thought “making a business was my idea” but I never told her that and instead put on a smile and encouraged her as I helped her think of product ideas. Despite my moment of internal pettiness it was mostly overridden with genuine excitement for her. We were all really worried for her wellbeing for awhile and after several attempts to maintain a job and failing we all really wanted her to have a win.
This is when the working for her started. She offered to pay me to work for her so I would. But then sometimes she would buy me a meal and ask “this good to cover the payment?” I wanted to say no I would rather be paid what I was promised and skip he burger but I was already terrified at confrontation so I said a very reluctant. “Sure.” I didn’t hold that against her... it only became an issue when it’s all she ever wanted to do with me. She didn’t want to hang out anymore just work. And her frequent promises of payment were frequently forgotten or changed to takeout. She would urge me on and seem agitated when I took breaks even though it was her business and I was working way below minimum wage if I got paid at all. But I was trying to help my sister. And She called frequently and would always seem so sad when I said no making me feel guiltier and guiltier with every phone call. It felt purposeful tbh. Sometimes she’d say “let’s just hang... or work on product... you know.” And other-times omit the work detail entirely and spring it on me once I was there. I talked to mum about it (I was still young and highly anxious at the time. My sister KNEW this. I know it’s partially my responsibility to say no but it’s still common courtesy to not keep pushing me to work for her and guilt tripping me when I said I wasn’t feeling up to it right? Needless to say I was feeling very taken advantage of. She came to me and apologized but her talking to me was not a sincere “I fucked up I apologize” but instead a list of excuses and her sneakily slumping most of the blame onto me leaving me feeling guilty again.
DESPITE THIS she still asked me to help her out but was much clearer about the payment or lack thereof. And frequently checking and saying “if you have a problem you tell me directly right??” Almost every car ride over which made me feel more guilty and kinda terrified me more and more into not wanting to tell her directly. Yeah I get it hearing a parent tell you something that has been passive aggressively building isn’t great in my part. But she always looked so wounded and would go over the top trying to rectify and double check the other way that it often felt like we had to walk on eggshells to tell her when something bothered us. So we tried to only do it when something REALLY bothered us.
She treated me frequently like a child and almost tried to act like a mom. Putting numbers on what I could or couldn’t eat. Making an “ah-AH” sound like you’d make as if chastising a cat when I reached for another of something she thought I couldn’t have.
Something in her language always bothered me. Instead of saying “if you had a moment would you mind” or other ways of asking for big favours there was always a level of assumption that we’d do it in her tone and wordchoice.
We all became afraid to answer the phone because she’d inevitably ask for something from us and sound so incredibly heartbroken if we refused. The guilt built and built. My parents had a loooong talk with her so she started using more thankful language... problem was even though she was very vocal in her thank yous her actions didn’t show it. She did try and behave better but even so it was hard. Her spending though better was still not great. She complains all the time about being in a tight spot besides owning 3 Entertainment systems of various sizing, living in a duplex, and her boyfriend making almost as much as we were. Yet she always hinted for more and more money and favours from my parents.
I could go on forever but one big event that really killed my respect for her was when she bought a Doberman on a whim. The absolute biggest sweetheart with the biggest heart and yet she didn’t nearly excersize or have the drive to walk him or train him as much as needed. She frequently treated our house like a free doggy daycare and would visit just so she could sneakily make us watch HER DOG in OUR HOME while she browsed her phone or w/e. One big thing that hurt throughout all of this was I was still in my depression so bad I wouldn’t leave the couch to eat food or even video game stage. And yet she still asked me to help her run a booth for her business or manage product almost every week. She would still drop her dog on us like she expected my mom and me to watch him while she hung out with friends. She had seen me crying about how useless I felt and yet somehow didn’t realize that I didn’t have the energy to help her right now.
My mum has lasting hip injuries from the dog’s awful walking habits. He’s HUGE and he PULLS she couldn’t be bothered to train him out of it. She frequently brought him over and my mother wanting to help her children as much as possible tried to help despite the pain she was in. How could my sister keep bringing her dog for exercise when my mum has been struggling for years with hip and leg pain?!? WHO DOES THAT?! And any money they have to help with the dog she’d rip through.
My parents have offered our bottles of shakes and vitamins to help (she is also on meds don’t worry it’s not an instead of thing) and even offered to pay for groceries for healthy eating. This stuff had seriously helped me and instead of thanking her she would wrinkle her nose at it and refuse. Not even open to giving it a try. Yeah I was bed ridden and relying on my parents but at least when my mum brought me a vitamin or shake to help me wake up so I could go to the hospital for inpatient I would TRY IT.
Now she’s broken up with the guy who’s side I honestly take. He would take the shirt off his back so she wouldn’t have to step in a puddle with how much he loved her. She’s the entire reason they are in debt. Yet she was upset when he’d ask about how her business was going. He had invested a ton of money into it of course he has a right to ask! She keeps hinting to my parents she needs money and is in a “tight spot” yet goes out and buys haircuts and pop figures and new video games, and a new project cause it “looked like fun” like come on! My parents even offered her their old Saturn which she turned her nose up at because the heating is a little slow turning on.
And yeah so guess who immediately regretting getting a Doberman? My sister. She kept whining and asking my parents “he loves me most right?” As if she just inherently deserved it. Same thing happened when I texted her boyfriend at the time when I was suicidal for help. She was more hurt that I didn’t talk to her than the fact I was suicidal at all even though she had never tried to earn my trust and often told other people stuff I’d say in confidence.
But yeah... she was going to return the dog to the breeder as if he was just an object but her now ex boyfriend fell hard for the dog and kept it. She kept thinking about what the dog would do for HER instead of it being a mutual relationship. “What would this dog give ME?” Idk but I’m honestly heartbroken. I adored that damn dog despite the negative memories and to just know that he’s largely going to be out of my life hurts a lot. And she doesn’t care about the effect her decision has had on us and just keeps justifying her behaviour and blaming it on everyone else but her.
Also yes I’m overweight due to my cortisol levels being high I’m working on it and she used to be. And I’ve come to terms with it but somehow anytime she’s over the fact I’m overweight comes up. She words it politely.... ish but like seriously every time? “Here you can have my old clothes since I’m not as... you know big anymore.” Gee thanks.
What’s bothered me most of all though is how she has treated my parents. Taken them for granted, called them judgemental, say that they hate her new boyfriend even though they don’t. My parents have given her so much and she doesn’t care. She keeps blaming them for how her life turned out despite it being her own choices. SHE’s almost 30. The whole time I was in the inpatient program at the hospital she never once asked if I was okay. She never once asked my mum how her leg was doing. When i saw her last I tried to talk to her about how much work I’ve been doing to better myself but all she cared about was turning the conversation back to her. I got one “oh I’m glad I was worried.” But. :/ my brother is very responsible, went to the states in his own and is making a living. Comes home for a visit she can’t even be bothered to spend time with him unless it’s on her schedule as her new boyfriend could come. I’m so very tired. I’m tired of the jabs.
“YOu want to hang out today?” “Normally I would but ah I can’t today” “Normally I would hah no you wouldn’t”
Wow thanks for the guilt trip.
“Play this game with me!” “Thanks for the offer but I’m not feeling well I’m going to relax.” “Ah yes cause video games aren’t relaxing”
And when confronted getting offended cause I “couldn’t take a joke” even though it was clearly a jab. I don’t show her my artwork cause she never seems happy for me. She’ll either give it a disinterested look and a halfhearted compliment or a look of jealousy and a conversation about how she misses art.
Idk... I’m so tired and have tried so hard to be a good sister. She’s called me out on things that I did that bothered her yet she can’t handle it when we tell her. I have no idea what to do. How can 2/3 kids from a good home come out trying their best and having pride with money (aka not asking for it all the time and being very appreciative when they give it anyways) and then just... my sister? I’m bitter yes because I have so many friends who’d kill to have such loving understanding parents and yet she takes it for granted. She gets angry when we say “hey can you take the dog home a day early?” And when we told her how much we struggled that day instead of apologizing just laughing about it. She always expected her boyfriend to do everything around the house despite him working an 8 hour job. My parents decided today they aren’t helping anymore. I decided today I’m going to call her on her bullshit when she exaggerates/turns events in her favour (which she does frequently.) If she wants to move back home she can. But that’s about it. I never knew what it was to love someone but not really... like them before... I do now.
What do I even do in his situation? How can this happen? I feel like I’m more mature than my big sister and it’s unsettling have any of you gone through this and what would you recommend doing? Do I cut her off from my life entirely now that I’m picking up the pieces and actually becoming functional? Or do I try and make amends? Also her now ex boyfriend is seriously a sweetheart and they are friends still is it wrong to try and keep in contact with him? Please help I’ve had a lot of what I thought I knew turned upside down.
Submitted August 02, 2019 at 11:43AM by ElectricEldritch https://ift.tt/2OBj5eC
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