Backstory: my parents have not been in full time employment since 2007/8, which was when I moved to the country I lived in rn as a child and was ill, in hospital and at home. My parents stopped working to look after me. Then my step dad’s mum died around the same time, and in 2012 my step grandad moved in with us as he was elderly and died in 2017.
I currently live at home with my parents and contribute to paying rent (I’d say almost a 1/4 of what they’re obliged to pay). This rent comes out of my student loan, which I receive as I am a full time university student in UK. I commute an hour & half each way from my front door to my university. In my first year, which just finished, I spent 3 days in uni attending lectures & labs, 2 days of the week rowing (which I have to commute to as well, around 40 mins) & had 2 days off. I’m pretty much obliged to get home quite early because my dad gives me a lift to the station (and then I carry on my commute on the train) and he doesn’t like to drive late at night (basically not past 6-7pm). There is a bus service to the station but there are 6 buses during the day and they run at irregular times, with the last bus being at 7pm.
Next year is going to be busier in terms of studies & I’m taking up a role as vice captain of the rowing team, meaning I’ll be supporting coaching of the newbies and spending more time rowing.
I want to move out to be closer to the university because I just don’t have the time to commute and I don’t like living at home with my parents. They are very anti government, hate people and just generally very negative people, in my opinion. I cannot talk to them properly without getting a lecture about something. Whenever I tell them something that excites me, they question me and they never remember details of what I tell them the next time we have a discussion. Over time it gets very frustrating and I have been distancing myself from them for the last 3 years, much to my mothers disapproval.
When my grandfather passed away in early 2017, my parents lost a lot of income that they earnt from being his full time carers and they went under a lot of stress looking after him for a good 3-4 years (staying up at nights etc). Both of them were technically self employed since 2009 or so, with my mothers business never really taking off properly and the income that they earnt from this was no way near enough (they received housing benefits, child credits - which have now disappeared as I’m not a child anymore etc).
I managed to not get into medical school and lowkey f**k up my end of school exams, however, I still got into my second choice university, which my parents wanted me to get into anyways.
I love my degree that I’m doing right now because it is still related to medicine, but my parents are always getting on my nerves about how I didn’t study hard enough for my exams and I basically messed up. Yes, things don’t work out the way they are planned sometimes, but this was a year ago now and it really triggers me every time it is brought up. The plan was for me to move out when I started university, however, I am still at home.
I have always known that money was an issue for my parents while growing up, however, they never explained how bad it was. I was always kept out of the loop and now that I have said I wanted to move out and have found a property with my friends near the uni, they are telling me I have no idea about finances and how money works. I am actually in a better situation than them in my opinion. Yes I am getting a student loan from the UK government, and yes the interest on that loan is 6%, however, it is paid off like a tax when you graduate and you have to earn above a certain threshold to pay it back and it is cancelled after 30 years post graduation. I am basically using that money to contribute to the household and my parents have told me they would give me back that money that they took for “rent” and pay off my loan with it. (If I’m honest, given this situation, I don’t think I’ll ever see that money again....)
What really frustrates me is that my parents were against me getting the loan and were trying to push me to study somewhere in Europe for free or back in my home country, where the education is either free with good grades or about a 1/3 of the price compared to UK. I did not want to do that because UK has a better reputation in terms of degrees, I wanted to stay here because that’s where I grew up and had my friends and my parents were annoyed that I’m getting into debt myself. One of their constant excuses against me moving out is “we’re saving you from taking a higher loan out because you’d be living alone and we’re saving you money”. Okay, thanks but you’re putting me through bigger stress because of your ways and actions.
My parents are clearly in debt (we’re talking 3k per person I think) and I am helping them keep a roof over their heads (in a huge house that was accommodating 4 people, however, now there are 3 and my dad said we stayed here in this house we’re in right now for continuity so that we don’t have to move). I understand that they had to have a grieving period because of the death of my grandpa. However, it’s been 2 years now and I feel like they could’ve done something about their finances, got a job and started paying off their debts and generally got their s**t together because they knew their daughter was going to be going off to university.
My mother has been trying to learn how to do nail art for the last 1-2 years in order to be a mobile nail artist. This is just another business idea of hers and she’s spent a lot of my dad’s saved up money going to courses abroad in her home country, travelling expenses to go there etc. We still have a lot of stuff left over to sell from her other business ideas which never lifted off and my parents have been trying to sell that stuff on eBay for ages.
I was told that maybe I would be moving out in 2nd year so that I’m closer to the university and would be able to be independent and away, however, we are at this stage now where, if I move, they’re in deep mud. They would have to downsize to a smaller property (about time), however, they would need to find work for 2 months or so, to prove to new landlords that they’re financially stable and can pay rent. I have offered them to pay for moving costs etc with the job that I’ll hopefully get this summer because I understand it would be my fault that they’re moving. However, they just keep banging on about how I’m selfish, not considering them and not sacrificing another year to live with them so that everyone can have another somewhat stable year and that if I move out, it would be a big f**k you for everything that they have done/provided for me while growing up. They said if I leave, they can’t stop me but there is no financial buffer for if things go pear shaped. So if I run into difficulties, there won’t be any leeway for them to help me because they would have to look after themselves (which is fine imo).
We have had many arguments over this year about me wanting to move out, all which have ended badly. Imo, I don’t think it should’ve been that big of a surprise that I’ve suddenly said that I want to move out now & that I’ve found a place and am so close to signing a contract.
and yes, I probably haven’t dealt and communicated with this very well because my parents are angry as f**k right now at me (even though my dad is back to his bipolar ways of pretending nothing happened after an argument and is acting normal). My mother is usually always paranoid about everything. Like when I went to visit another town alone to go to a university open day when I was 17, she made me write down exactly what train I was getting at what time, what route I was taking and where I was going exactly with who. She still has a tracker installed on my phone every time I go out and she gets annoyed whenever I turn it off. That’s mainly the reason why I’ve stopped telling her things because I hate her knowing stuff about me.
I’ve been given 3 options by them.
1) Stay
2) Stay and contribute more to the household cost if I’m going to get a job over the summer
3) F**k off and never come back
I’ve obviously upset my mother (&my grandma) as she came to talk about this whole situation last night when I was trying to get some sleep, however, I had nothing to say because I honestly didn’t know what to say. So she left saying she’s not having a monologue with herself and that I’ve broken all the trust that there is between us. I’ve never felt comfortable talking to my mum about personal issues because it would always end in an argument or lecture or her shouting at me. I get that judgy vibe from her sometimes and I want to escape it, hence why I stopped telling her personal stuff ages ago.
Am I stupid for wanting to move?
What can I do to make my parents actually get a proper job that pays well so that they don’t have to live off benefits from the government?
Submitted July 01, 2019 at 01:49PM by throw_bin1900 https://ift.tt/2Je2CqG
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