Hey, I’ve posted once on this sub already about a year ago, you can view the post if you go to my posts. since then I’ve been confused about my gender identity and have stopped medically transitioning to be safe rather than sorry. However, I still identify as male, I have discovered I was sexually abused at a young age, and have been trying to deal with it since remembering. I don’t feel like a girl, at least I don’t think I do, but part of me has this excruciating fear that I am rejecting being female as a way to cope with the trauma I endured. Whenever I try to think about going back to being female I know I can’t live that way, it’d be like I was viewing a different person, another me but not ME. The only time I feel like a girl is when masturbating. and it might just be me associating my pre-op body with being female because I am technically biologically female so I think to myself “this is the only way to get off, how girls do it.” But maybe I just associate being a girl with being submissive, which is why when I am submissive I view myself as a girl? If that makes sense. and it feels good, no doubt about it. But the second I orgasm, I’m hit with a ton of bricks. I get so insanely dysphoric (at least I think it’s dysphoria?) I burst into tears and sometimes have a panic attack and have to calm myself down with breathing exercises. (I have a history of anxiety so it’s a well known feeling) After orgasming while in hysterics I also have been trying to figure out why I’m crying, what made me cry, and what am I thinking about/reacting to? I’ve realized when I feel this post orgasm grief, my main thoughts going through my head are “I will never have a penis, I will never be able to have a male orgasm, I will never be able to have biological children by impregnating someone. I will never feel the connection that other males do.” And it is devastating. I need to mention that I only feel this hysterical and grieving when I have an orgasm from penetration. It feels good in the moment but it always ends up like this. I don’t have this feeling when just orgasming from stimulation and not penetration. The other day I cried and worried and grieved and all of that, but then I went into a panic attack remembering the sexual abuse I endured as a child. And I started to panic more thinking to myself, “wait a minute, what if I only feel this dysphoria post orgasm because I’m trying to escape being female, because my female parts remind me of the abuse? What if I’m only dysphoric when I think about the abuse? If that’s so, then I can’t be transgender, I am a fraud.” And then I freak myself out worrying that the last 4 years of identifying as ftm transgender was a mistake and I’m just mentally fucked up. But when I think logically about it that just doesn’t make sense, because even when I think about all of that, and that I may just be trying to escape being female, there is no desire to be female. I don’t want to live as a female, I don’t want to at all. I so badly wish I was male, that I could’ve been born male, I get so upset that I wasn’t. But is this just more of me trying to escape? Or is my anxiety and overthinking/falling down an unnecessary rabbit hole clouding my judgement? Right now I’m in limbo, and I feel fine where I’m at because I’m comfortable. But I need to make a change because living in confusion is terrifying and exhausting and I’m starting to not want to live anymore.
I’m also trying to figure out if this is dysphoria. I wish I was male, I wish I was taller, my shoulders were broader, and my voice was deeper, however I never wanted it to be too deep, just deep enough to sound male. I so badly want hairier legs and body hair. I’m so pale, and my hair is light and thin. I mainly want hairy legs and a sharper jaw. I envy men, maybe I have some type of subconscious sexism I need to work on, but my whole life I’ve envied boys. Because I always thought they were cooler, looked cooler, acted cooler, sounded cooler. The whole “bro code” thing was cooler than the girl code. But I’m male spaces I feel I don’t fit in, like I don’t think the same as them. Like I don’t act male. But I want to, any time I act feminine or female I hate it, it stays in my head repeating itself over and over and I get angry just wishing I could be more socially male. I’m not a social person, I like being alone most of all. But when I’m with friends I always feel like I’ll never fit in with the guys. As a kid I was so proud to be a tomboy, I never wanted to like pink or be viewed as a girly girl. I wanted to fit in with everyone, and the kids in my neighborhood we’re mainly boys and I like being seen as cool around them. I never really realized that I wasn’t like them, until puberty. I wanted to be a boyish girl who liked superhero’s and the color blue, and was into martial arts and sports. I wanted to climb trees and roughhouse and be seen as not like the other girls. I realized recently I was trying to separate myself from other girls, I have no brothers, I grew up in a house of women and I think that might be why I envy male interactions. Because when I see guys interact with eachother I scan them for how they do it, because all my social cues have been learned by being surrounded by females. All my friends beside the neighbor hood kids have been female. After puberty my guy friends didn’t hangout with my anymore because puberty makes you realize girls and boys are different. And realizing I was female, I tried to adapt to the girls around me. They started getting into makeup and dressing up. They started their cliques and I just wanted to be like them because if I was like them I would fit in. I just wanted to fit in so badly. Which I realized was because I dissociated a lot in childhood, still do, but it made me feel like an outcast, I was a shy quiet kid with a lot of anxiety, and I liked being alone. I was bullied a lot by everyone, and I just wanted to fit in. So Everytime the popular girls got a new trendy bracelet or nail polish or something, it was my mission to get it too, I had to, so I could be liked. And be like one of them. So I’d get attention from people because I had the cool things too, so I’d make friends. I even got excited about growing breasts because I’d get to wear bras and that’s what the adult girls do. But once 7th grade and puberty really started to hit, I think that’s when I started dissociating a lot more. I copied people’s ways of acting, I mirror’d personalities because that’s all I’ve ever done and I didn’t know how to act, so I took it from other people and meshed everyone’s personalities together. Mainly my best friend who was female, she’s talk about how annoying it was to get her period and I’d agree and laugh and we’d talk about how much pain it was to be female and “ughhh”. And she’s talk about her boobs growing and I’d be like “okay this is what females do, I’m female and its happening to me so I have to relate somehow” and I’d talk about it too. I’d copy the things she’d wear to try and be like her because I didn’t know how to just BE myself or BE a girl. I don’t think I had a sense of self really, I don’t think I do now either. But now that’s moved on to copying and mirroring men. I feel like a chameleon searching for himself. Back to talking about how I thought men were cooler: I wanted to like video games, and when I’d play them I always chose the male characters. Male characters in TV shows and movies and books I envied. I just thought they were cooler than girls, I thought boys were cooler because they looked cooler to me and they sounded cooler and their style was cooler. And even when I was showed girls can be superhero’s too, I was like yeah, that’s cool, I’m like her then! But my attention was always fixated on men, because I felt like the way the acted and their friend groups and their style choices and their voices and their names were better. And I envied it so much. So that’s why I tried to be a cool tomboy. And now I’m just confused, because as kids my best friend was like me, she wasn’t girly at all, we liked playing spies and running around and all that jazz, but she grew out of it and I didn’t. And I know your hobbies and likes to reflect on your gender, but I just can’t see myself being a cool 19 year old tom boy. I like mechanics, I like fixing cars, I like the wilderness and survival and video games. I like bugs and all that shit. And I just want to feel like a guy. I want to be like a guy. But when I try and call myself one I feel fake. Like I’m lying to myself, like I’m delusional or some shut. And then I remember the abuse and feel ashamed, and like I just need to get my head on straight and be who I was born to be. I discovered I’m bisexual, but I can’t see myself in a lesbian relationship. Or in a straight relationship being the girlfriend. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian, because I realized I liked girls, but I suppressed it a lot because I thought it was wrong (religious household) and I was scared I’d go to hell. But then after I got over that, I still didn’t feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian because it just didn’t feel right, even though I knew I technically was a lesbian because that’s what girls who like girls are. But it wasn’t right. Then I discovered being trans, and I hopped on the bandwagon at first when I was 15, because all my friends were doing it, the people I followed were doing it, it became a trend. And 4 years later, most of them went back to identifying as female, told me they did it for attention because it was trendy. except for 1 and me. I had a fear I’d be a detransitioner, and Everytime I try to expose myself to detransitioner experiences it just makes my situation worse because I believe I can convince myself of absolutely anything and believe it. So then I go down the rabbit hole of “oh no this was a mistake I relate to three things they said so that means I must be a detransitioner and !!!!!!!!!!” Yeah no. I realized I do that often. With everything. Like I’m some mental health hypochondriac. So I started steering away from anything that would send me into an unbearable pit of anxiety.
Now I’m in limbo, and I don’t know who I am. My friends call me a nickname that’s close to my name that I chose when I came out, I don’t like my birthname and I never have. They started calling me “they” instead of “he” but no matter what pronouns I’m called I get more confused. I almost wish I would be called he just to try and get use to it. Because she feels wrong and puts doubts of being trans in my head, and they just feels weird like it makes me focus on the fact idk who tf I am. But I hyperfocus in pronouns Everytime I hear it to see what my reaction is to it and I never know. I still don’t. I’m just a mess, and I don’t like being vulnerable, getting therapy is hard to do. I don’t wanna be viewed as a female, I don’t wanna be treated as a female but when I’m treated as a male I get this imposter syndrome feeling like I’m lying and I’m fooling everyone around me. I’ll never be normal.
For anyone who read this whole thing, thank you sincerely, this was meant to be one question, but everything I pent up inside came out and I think I have a fear of other people’s judgement and a fear of change. Which is why I’m afraid to continue transitioning. I like being comfortable and not being noticed, but if I transition maybe it’ll be what I needed. I don’t know yet. If you’re able to help me out with deciphering all the questions and rambles up there that would be greatly appreciated. I just need some advice, some stories and some help. Whatever you think about this, especially the sexual abuse and dysphoria thing, and if you think I really am transgender, or if this is just another mental disorder, and I’m better of being a tom boy. Let me know. Thanks for reading.
Submitted June 03, 2019 at 07:41AM by thisisathrowawayyike http://bit.ly/2MAohyq
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