SORRY FOR BAD ENGLISH, NOT MY MOTHER LANGUAGE
ALSO VERY LONG POST
NOTE: Not even near first love, but it's first time feeling like this. Also first time posting on reddit, so don't be too mean please.
Me and this girl were "dating" for 3 and a half months with everything going p good, but we parted our ways this wednesday, last talked on thursday. Since this is pretty damn complex and both of us are cryptic as shit, I will start from the beginning and it will be a long intro because I think it's important for understanding the whole thing.
We are both cosplayers in the same "group" that works at conventions and different events, so we met through there. After one of the events we were just hanging out with one other dude and she started talking about how she recently broke up with her ex after 2 and a half years, but she doesn't want relationship or anything of the sort. To which I agreed because I was in the same situation and we generally had a really good convo. We realized that we both like same anime, we're into contemporary and modern art, listen to same musicians, we both like theater, etc. We hit it off really well, we talked about are fav movies and such.
NOTE: I live in a small country, so not many people share my hobbies. I have nobody I can share my passion for art and artsy movies with. I also went into this thinking like "Fuck yeah, new friend"
The other day local cinema put my fav movie on their program (Youth by Sorrentino) and I remembered her saying that she's interested in the movie so I invited her out. She accepted my invite and we watched the movie together. After the movie she was really enthusiastic and stuff, we realized we had more in common than we first thought.
Next week I invited her out to the modern art museum which she happily accepted. She also told me she is looking after her friends apartment and two cats, so she's organizing a small party with some of her friends and I should come over. I was reluctant at first because I do not like social situations with strangers, but I have to get out of my shell so I agreed to come over. To which she said "Well, the party kinda failed, but you can come over and meet the cats." (NOTE: I fucking love cats), so I was like, fuck yes kitty cats ofc I will come over. So I come over and meet the cats, they were absolutely adorable, while the girl is getting me drinks and shit. So she suggests we watch her fav movie, I had time so I agreed. As we're watching the movie she slowly leans onto me and stuff just kinda went it's way. But we talked about it right away and we agree on the "no strings attached" kinda deal.
Maybe two months later, we see every weekend and do all kinds of stuff we enjoy. But she says something along the lines of "I don't think of this as "Fucking around" anymore, I like you and I do not want to hurt you. I want to do stupid shit and being with you kinda makes me calm and under control. In short, I am scared of the term relationship, I was in them constantly for 8 years now, I never had 1 on 1 time with myself. So please, give me time, maybe things will work out. Maybe it's too early to say this and we should spend more time together." We talked and agreed on the latter.
TL;DR
Me and this girl really hit it off, started a "No strings attached" relationship. She turned out to be everything I want from a girl and I was what she wanted. We had amazing chemistry, convos, etc. Completely unreal, didn't think something like that was possible.
HERE'S THE JUICY PART
NOTE: I will cut out some parts to keep it as short as possible.
In the mean time I meet her best friends and we hang out more. But last weekend I noticed that something is a bit off, so during the music festival this week I took her to this really nice place and told her "Do you want some space? We can stop this.", she agreed and we talked a lot. We last saw each other on wednesday after the festival, we parted with tight hugs, kiss and she said "Come on, you know how the song goes? Boys don't cry" as she started crying. I walked to the center of the city because it has view of the whole city and I waited for the sunrise, I needed to clear my head.
Here's some of the stuff that we established while we ere together for the past few months.
- I never felt or clicked with someone like this, only with my family. She said so too.
- My ex was forcing me to marry her, was a control freak, was borderline abusive, refused to get a job.
- Her ex was alcoholic, refused to get a job, was a control freak and abusive, forcing her to marry him.
- We have so many similarities that it's weird, we didn't think it's possible.
- Our chemistry was out of this world, I felt like I knew her my whole life.
- She finished college and is not entering the "grown up life"
We talked over messages on thursday evening, that convo lasted about 2 hours.
I wrote around 10 songs, though those are more of my backed up emotions that I didn't let show. So I asked her if I can bring them over. The convo went like this.
HER: "Don't bring me anything. It's realy hard to see you and i don't want to think, my emotions and mental state are in conflict of interest. I don't want you to see me like this. There's chaos in my head. At the moment it's hard for me to even stay friends with you so please give me space and time..."
ME: "Why did you ask me stuff about destiny? You also didn't say if you believe in it."
HER: "I believe in it, but it doesn't mean it's set in stone. It was destiny we hung out and that we clicked like that. I wanted to throw it away because with me in this state it would last only till october and you deserve to be more than a missed chance. I would rather let these emotions disappear and have you as friend than lose you. At the moment I do not want anything more than friendship, anything more than that would be too big of a step for me."
ME: "You know, I wont be able to stay friends with you. I agree with you to some point about destiny, but we should fight for the stuff we want, use our nails and teeth, we are creators of our own destiny."
HER: "Destiny and future are abstract to me at this point in life and I do not want to think about serious emotions, those are a luxury that I can't afford right now. I am emotionally drained and I need to put myself on my feet first. Tbh I do not think I will be able to stay just friends with you. at the moment I do not want to be and can't be more than friends. I will most likely regret this my whole life. I am self destructive now and it's best for you to get away, I want to be without control and emotions to see where I'll end up. I showed you my real self, but I also didn't say some stuff. I am tired of thinking about other peoples emotions and I will hurt you, so stay away. I want to be off the chain (I do not feel chained with you), I am scared of getting into a relationship. Sorry about this, I am slowly reaching rock bottom and I realized what I need. I went blind into this, you turned me 180° and I didn't even dream about feeling like this with you."
I SEND MY SONGS VIA WAPP
HER: "Thank you, these are beautiful. My emotions are real, you do not have to worry about that. Now, I wanted to hide this, but I am telling you this because I am selfish. I will contact you again. Don't know when, but I will. Find a girl 1000 times better than me."
ME: "That will be hard. You are what I want, what I need. How can I find another girl? You are everything I needed."
HER: "I feel the same way. You are everything I want, but not right now. I am broken at this moment, there are only parts of me. I do not want to form myself based on somebody else, I want to piece myself together. That's the reason why I do not want to be with you, we are incredibly similar, but I will become your clone if this continues. I don't want to be mirrored image of people around me, so I have to be alone. Got it?"
...
HER: "I hope everything will be okay during the next convention (NOTE: Mid september). Me and you of course."
...
HER: "I was more worried about how serious stuff was getting with you. It started so chill and it soothed my soul, but at one point I realized how much I liked you, the feelings grew stronger, so I started panicking. But my emotions were always true."
We didn't talk since.
TL;DR
Emotions got stronger and she got scared because she is scared of relationships (abusive ex). She also got out off college and wants to get herself on her feet and needs to get herself straight. So she wants some time because she wants me to be more than a missed chance.
MY THOUGHTS
I am usually the cool headed guy and I don't let my emotions get in the way, but I am completely lost at the moment, I never felt like this. I think that I feel in love, but I didn't realize it until I lost her. I understand her, I was in a similar state of mind few years ago, but I got through that. So at this point I just want her to be okay. I feel like things are exactly like she said, but something in my head wont leave me be. God I miss her so much, I want to make her happy.
I do not think her ex contacted her, she is avoiding him and he found another girl. But maybe somebody impacted this decision because it happened all of a sudden. I also didn't put any pressure on her, she wanted me to meet her friends, help her with stuff, asked for life advice, etc. I didn't pressure her a single time.
I really do not want to lose her, it will be almost extremely hard to find another girl like her in this shithole country. So I do not know if I should give her space or go after her. She told me several times she needs space, so yeah.
Submitted June 30, 2019 at 04:19PM by mynamewastaken98 https://ift.tt/2IZLZ3e
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