For context I was a teenage pregnancy, and my parents always seemed like they weren't ready for me, and in general I have a very distant yet disjointed relationship with them...
My mum I've always felt estranged from, she had BPD, and did have post-natal depression.
Around about when I was five or six I think they neglected me, they used to tell me to go play and barely ever spent time with me, i lot of my early childhood was spent in my room. During the day when dad as at work my mum used to sit at her PC all day doing work for uni and just generally browsing the internet. I wouldn't bother her much, but when I did it was usually to ask her to make food or play with me, she'd either ignore me or say in a minute. Sometimes I'd wait anywhere from 10 minutes to half an hour and she'd just forget. So I had to keep asking, and sometimes she'd just tell me to fuck off if I bothered her enough.
My parents used to argue constantly, but not just yelling, they used throw and smash glasses, and my mum would scream and shriek, my dad even punched a hole through a door once her got so angry. Whenever this happened when I was younger i used to hide, but as I got older I tried to talk to them and try to get them to stop, My parents are currently separated.
My dad has always shouted at me and as a kid constantly said I was being "naughty", even though half the time I'd try to tell him the truth and he'd say I'm lying. one such example is when my parents took me to a restaurant with a bar and a play area outside for my sixth birthday. I hate bars, the smell and the people drinking puts me off and makes me anxious. I remember I said I didn't want to go in for that reason, I told my dad what I wanted off the menu, but my dad forced me to go in anyway. I got really anxious, so much so whilst he was in mid-order I ran out side to my mum crying. My ad came out really mad and said I was in big trouble. I tried to explain I didn't like being near bars and they made me uncomfortable, but he didn't believe me and said I was "Just trying to go out side because I wanted to play with the other kids in the play area". We went home and I got sent to bed without dinner.
Another incident that was kinda scary (this happened when I was 8 or 9) is my mum got mad at me and tried to hit me, I flinched and she caught my neck with her nail and it bled quite a bit. I remember sitting in my room for an hour thinking it was all my fault, and crying, feel horrid about myself. I coloured in a dinosaur from my colouring book, wrote sorry on it, cut it out the book, then slid it under my mum's door. She came out and hugged me and said sorry, but that I had to keep it a secret that she nearly hit me because she'd get in "big trouble" if anyone found out. I'm technically breaking that promise, but I feel it's important.
For two years I was home ed before going to college in England, and my dad would make me to read everyday and write four page essays which i hated. When ever we did maths he'd gave me a panic attack a few times, and almost always made me cry from feeling overwhelmed. He said that if I didn't get something he'd explain it, but he always use to get angry and shout at me for not doing good enough, and that was like every day, it made me feel like I was a terrible at academia, but weirdly I got to college and I did pretty good even though my dad convinced me I was below average.
Both my mum and dad like to belittle me a lot, especially my mum, from a young age she used to reply to me in a sarcastic way sometimes when I asked questions. And they'd always yell at me over simple things like me spilling a drink, or knocking stiff over. Not like a raised word, as in actually yell yell at me and send me to my room. Besides making fun of me a lot, my dad also likes to do this thing where when we're alone he'll interrogate me, sometimes it's about stuff I've done wrong, but other times it's his "attempt" to try to ask about how I'm feeling and if I'm okay. But he has no subtlety or empathy so he does it in the same way he does when he's telling me off, and it just makes me anxious. Whenever I'm alone with him I have to try to stop myself from panicking he scares me so much.
The there's the thing i'm not sure is okay at all, sometimes my dad will joke around and try to do martial arts moves on me and i don't like it, since he's way bigger than me and heavy handed, I try to conceal he's scaring me by pretending it's okay and it's just a joke. And sometimes when he wants me to threaten me to behave he puts me in a sleeper hold.
This is everything from off the top of my head, but bare in mind I've had some horrid experiences in my life that have caused me to have severe anxiety that are separate from this, so maybe this is just me making something out of nothing. I mean, you have to understand all of this was "normal" for me, until my boyfriend pointed out to me that the stuff they were doing supposedly abusive and not okay, and that them making me feel bad was even worse. A part of me feels bad because they were young parents in an unhappy marriage, my mum is technically mentally ill, and my dad seems like he has a hard time with emotions. they're still my family, so I feel bad about accusing them of this behind their backs, but apart of me knows my boyfriend is right. On the other had if I told my grandma about this i know she'd get mad and say i'm lying, and that my parents have done so much for me, and it's disgusting I'm so ungrateful as to accuse them of such things. And if I told the police or my therapist a social worker would come around and they'd both feel betrayed since in their mind they're okay people and what they did is fine. In other words I could risk being disowned, and I'm not 18 until a few years.
Submitted May 30, 2019 at 02:29PM by MilkyMaltMoo http://bit.ly/2Xet0qg
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