Hello everyone!
I'm sorry if this post is kind of a downer, but I really need some advice. I'm 16, mtf, and my name is Wren. I've known I was trans for a while, but started coming out to my friends a few months ago. They have all been pretty accepting, and have given me a lot of emotional support. I've been speaking with my therapist about this since January, and she has also been really helpful.
For the last two weeks, I've been working on coming out to my family. As of right now, my mom knows that I'm trans, but she doesn't really understand why. She loves me, but doesn't know why I'm bringing this up now, or why I need to express myself at school.
This is compounded by the fact that I had to transfer during my Junior year. I had been struggling with managing my depression at my previous school, and things eventually fell out there. It was actually a liberal-art boarding school, so I don't know why so didn't come out there. It was probably because I felt trapped there, like I was stuck in my life and my relationships. Or that I was wearing a mask, and having to be someone that I'm not.
I don't know. But coming out there would have made things so much easier. The school I'm going to right now is much more right-leaning, and probably wouldn't be able (or want) to accommodate me. While I've been there, they've made me cut my hair, strip my nails, and "adhere to male social norms." It's dehumanizing, and it's had a really negative impact on my mental health.
I'm just so scared, because I haven't come out to the administration yet, and they have absolute power over me. It's written into my contract that they can terminate my position at any time, with no stated reason. I'm also new there, so they would probably say that I had applied dishonestly. I don't know what to do, and this is really scary.
I just can't deal with feeling like this anymore. Dysphoria has taken me to some really messed up places, and I don't want to be there again. I just want to be myself, but I feel like I can't. It feels like my life and my body are for everyone else but me, and that I don't even ownership over myself.
I'm also really worried about further changes from Testosterone. It would be easy to shut down and wear the mask, but my body is changing in irreversible ways. I'm afraid that I won't be able to access blockers or hrt, and it's messing with me. I don't want to have to spend thousands of dollars on ffs and laser hair removal just to be able to pass. It keeps me up at night because I know that I'm going through the wrong puberty, and that my body is drifting further and further from my internal sense of self.
If any of you can offer advice, information, or support, I would really appreciate it. I just feel really alone right now, and I don't know what to do. I just want to be able to be myself, and not have to wear this mask all the time.
Thanks, Wren
Submitted March 29, 2019 at 08:59PM by Kinetic1101 https://ift.tt/2V2Z6nD
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