Transmasc confusion and venting

So I just wanted to kind of vent my thoughts to you lovely leiges, just to kind of think outloud.
I'm AFAB. Through the past 7-8 or so years of questioning (from 20 to now, 27/8) and figuring out my gender identity I've decided I'm transmasc non binary. Essentially I want to transition via HRT to change my body fat redistribution and voice to be more male but I still love effeminate things and may still want to wear lace and frills and shiny things and jewelry and all of that, though socially I am a little worried about my life being threatened as a result, and about dating becoming much more difficult as a trans person, though these are just perceptions and may not be fully valid fears. I also want kids, am approaching 30, and feel like I'd prefer to transition after having kids, I don't have dysphoria about giving birth because I want my own kids, though who knows when that will happen and I worry about my hypothetical kids being treated poorly due to my transness, though the world nowadays seems like a more open and accepting place which is a relief. Basically, there are a lot of social things holding me back, but it seems like I still want to transition. I like getting neat nail art and I love makeup. But I know I'm not a woman. I've thought about this and thought maybe in many ways it would be easier masquerading as my assigned gender for life since because of my interests it comes relatively easily but throughout the years there has remained this relatively persistent discomfort with the idea of just living as my assigned gender. My dysphoria and desire to feel male comes in waves, but it does come and has consistently throughout time which makes me think this must be a permanent feeling if I keep thinking this way. I think I ignore my dysphoria most of the time to where it feels minimal. I try to focus instead on the parts of my body that I enjoy that I find more masculine. I'm slowly trying to navigate "cross dressing" and wearing men's clothes which can be a little tough to make work on a female body. Anyway not sure what else to say so I'll end this here. If you've had similar experiences I'd love to hear them. Gender is weird, Society is weird. Gender is a social construct.

Submitted February 25, 2019 at 11:11AM by someinspiringquote https://ift.tt/2E9nRYd