I'm 28M, 6'6" and 300 pounds. I have two Nparents, covert hoarder mom and overt alcoholic dad. Where to even begin? I live at home as I had to move back in after college. I had originally started out at a community college studying nursing, but that was what my parents wanted from me and I quit after one semester to go study music at a private liberal arts college on scholarship. It was the best four and a half years of my life, as I was away from my toxic parents for the first time. I always knew something was off about my home life but I didn't have the vocabulary to express it. I'm the middle child of three boys and I've alternated from being the golden child to the scape goat over the years. A few years ago my younger brother, who had also moved back in after college, got out of the toxicity and went NC. As he was leaving he called my mom a narcissist. It was the first time I had ever really heard the term used. Of course he didn't announce he was going NC, but I put it together after I started researching NPD. I never had a very good relationship with either of my brothers. My Nmom triangulated and isolated us so that we were basically strangers in the same house. A disgusting, unfinished house that's become a hoard over the years. Growing up, both Nparents worked full time and either weren't around or 'didn't have the energy' to pay attention to us. They left my older brother to babysit, even though he's only four years older than me. There was a lot of abuse to me from my older brother that makes me resent him to this day. He's always had problems (he wet the bed until he was 12), likely stemming from his own abuse and neglect, but he learned how to gaslight at a young age. He bullied me and my younger brother mercilessly over summer breaks from school, and not once was he held accountable for all the terrible shit he did when he was manic. All three of us eventually developed mental illness in one form or another. Mine was depression, nail biting, binge eating at first and later substance abuse and a few involuntary hospital visits whereafter I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I had few friends growing up, and I was quiet and shy in school, although I was able to express myself in band. I have only a couple memories of having friends over as our house was always filthy/in neglect. My Nmom's favorite saying is "I'm not Martha Stewart!", like bitch you don't have to be Martha Fucking Stewart to clean your damn house. Nmom barely went to college, wanted to be a vet but was too stupid to grasp chemistry (failed it three times) and too stubborn to get help so she dropped out and started working as a mail carrier. Which she hated, but she made 'good money' and that's all that mattered to her. Married Ndad, moved out of the city up north and had us. She wanted a girl but got three boys; clearly disappointed, she neglected us and gave conditional love rarely. Nmom was always a pack rat, but when we got internet in the early 2000's she discovered eBay and started buying toys and dolls she was denied when she was growing up. She started hoarding the shit *and* the boxes they came in in the basement, but it eventually spread to the whole house. Right before she retired she was spending thousands a month on stupid eBay shit while the house fell into disrepair. Nmom is also always taking in animals; goats and chickens outside, stray cats and rescued dogs inside. Probably so she can play 'vet' or whatever. She treats our animals as badly as any other object in her hoard. Ndad wasn't ever really around, even when he was, and was usually off fishing and/or getting high and drunk with his buddies. Ndad is the definition of fragile toxic masculinity, and he's a cheap bastard. He used to leave his Playboys out in the bathroom for us to be exposed to at a young age. Both Nparents lack any empathy and are all about keeping up appearances. They both used to be good looking I guess, but now they're in their 60's and all they have is their shitty mercurial personalities. My older brother, flying monkey, lived at home until he was 30. Probably for the same reason I'm still here; my parents don't give a shit about me and don't actually want me to succeed. I want to get out and go NC but I don't have a steady job or a vehicle. The car they bought me for college for a whopping $1000 broke down a couple of years ago and instead of getting it fixed Ndad sold it for $50. He gave me $25 of that (needed beer money). I've basically been living here for a couple of years against my will, codependent for transportation to my doctor's visits. Other than that I don't get out much, and we live seven miles from town. When I've tried to open up to my college friends about my situation I'm met with a lot of silence and 'wish I knew how to help'. Like, just get me out of this hellhole so I can think straight. I genuinely don't know how to improve my life at this point. I smoke weed daily just to numb myself. I don't have a steady job and my music career isn't really going anywhere. I haven't had a proper gig in years.
I suspect this will be the first post of many, as putting this all down really feels cathartic. Winter is in full swing in MI right now or I would literally be walking out the door with a duffel bag and acoustic guitar in hand. I'm just done with this chapter of my life. I'm almost 30 and haven't really lived for myself, but that's about to change. Thanks for listening fam.
Submitted January 22, 2019 at 07:42PM by minimalistmusic http://bit.ly/2DrWc5H
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