The problem with you is that you made a decision without consulting nor speaking with me. You've decided based on no information that we can't be anything.
I think your fears are valid, but we have to face some reality here. I think you know that I am an ALL or NOTHING person, so if that is your choice, then I will have to let you go and move on.
But I would like to clarify a few things.
You probably won't be the last man I ever love. I will love others after you, unless I am able to unlock the key to longevity and immortality while we are together. OK, it sounds a little nuts, but the key to longevity is very simple actually and has nothing to do with gene therapy, which BTW is total bullshit and does not work and only creates more problems. You can't mess with millions of years of evolution and that is what we are as humans. We are a work of art.
But...you will be my greatest love ever. Because you are all I want and need. I think we can do beautiful things together. We have the same vision and the same goals. Not only that, but you're the only man who has lifted me out of my asexuality. For the longest time, I couldn't even feel at all. Everyone repulsed me. I felt misanthropy permeate my bones. I was a very cynical person. Admittedly, I am a complex person, and what turns me on is not how others are turned on.
If you want to have sex with others, no I will not have that. Sorry, but no. If you want to do that, go ahead. You will lose me. I won't look back, but maybe that's what you want. You want to push me away so that you won't ever feel abandoned. You had that situation with all your other relationships, where you could come home to one person, and have sex with others openly. I'm not into that AT ALL so you know the answer to that: NO. It has to be me, and only me.
What can I say? I'm selfish and I don't settle for a lukewarm situationship. I love passionately and it's the only way I know how.
I see that in your past relationship, you had this open relationship thing, and it killed the love she had for you, and she became resentful and I won't go down the same path. So if you want to continue down that path, you are free to do so, but you are right in that regard, I won't stand for it.
And yes, I am attracted to M. but our timing is not right. He's someone like you, brilliant, articulate, passionate, artistic and I can see if I hadn't met you, I would hope something would happen between us, but right now, we are on divergent paths, like two ships sailing past each other, set on a different timeline. The funny thing is both of you also bite your nails. lol. I even noticed that you two have similar neurotic habits. I guess I'm attracted to brilliant, neurotic men, but just because I'm attracted does it follow that I will fall in love. To me, love is a choice. Love is not something I give willingly or freely. I think you know because you are the same. Love has to be earned. Love has to be built together. Love is not some uncontrollable impulse to me, because I am a thinker and not mislead by the whims of my amygdala.
You're afraid that what happened with B. will also follow that it will happen with you. The funny thing is that B. only thinks he wants me now in retrospect, but when I was there, he didn't appreciate me at all. He was too self-involved and in love with S. And to be fair, I was never in love with him either. I care for him deeply, like a member of my family, but I don't feel that passion with him. I hope you understand that he was never a stepping stone to me, but someone who saw a bit of himself in me, and tried to help me, and everything became confusing and people misread things.
Also, I am not a smoker, never have, never will. S. is the smoker, she is the one whom he wrote all his poetry, it wasn't about me. I documented their love story, but B. can be greedy and he wants everyone to be in love with him. lol. He's lovable and I care so much for him, but he isn't the one for me. You are the one for me.
Either we will be a great love story, or we won't. It's not a decision that you can make without my consent. If you decide that you rather not want me in your life, then so be it, but don't give me this wishy washy "I have strong feelings for you" BS.
It takes time to grow a garden, but it only takes a few moments to crush a budding seedling. I'm not a fickle person, but I won't fall in love with you until you say yes.
Submitted January 14, 2019 at 06:30AM by GlobalCycle http://bit.ly/2RqISHq
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