The Ex Shit List

Disclaimer: I'm sorry for the tome. Hopefully it helps whoever dares to get through it all. Also, I hope I don't come off too petty. Please remember I'm still vacillating between despair and anger, which is probably quite evident by this post.

During this time of healing, I’m trying to emanate positivity in order to counter the pain I’ve been enduring since my ex dumped me two days before Christmas. We weren’t together very long (six months), but it was one of those blindsiding break ups that occurred during a slew of other unfortunate life circumstances that were beyond my control: a true “when it rains, it pours” situation. I saw him for the last time the day before New Year’s Eve in order to exchange some belongings. Since then, I’ve gone NC and I’m feeling a bit better this week. The intrusive thoughts have subsided, but I still think about him every day.

Obviously it’s still fresh, and I’m realizing that the length of a relationship doesn’t necessarily dictate the intensity of the post-break up pain or how long it takes to get over someone. My relationship before him lasted seven years, and that break up was quite easy. I’m still close with that ex because the break up was essentially mutual. We were close friends before we dated and by the end of the relationship, we both knew it had run its course and that we were better off as friends. This recent break up, however, makes me feel like I’m in high school again. I forgot how badly heartbreak hurts, no matter what you’ve been through in your life. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been through SO much worse than this, yet here I am, pouring my heart out to strangers on the Internet, hoping it will help even a little.

So, as a way to further my positivity in this world, I wanted to share a list I started in my phone after reading an article about how to get over someone. While what I wrote is clearly based on negative things, my hope is that it will inspire anybody who has the endurance to get through this verbose post to do the same, and that maybe, just maybe, it will help them in their own healing process. I made a list of qualities I disliked about my ex or things he said/did that made me feel shitty. I have to say folks, it really helps, especially when it’s so accessible at any time of the day. Whenever I start idealizing and/or missing him, I consult my handy list and am reminded of how he was less-than-perfect, and frankly, just plain wrong for me. It also reminds me that I was, for the most part, incredibly good to him and tried my hardest to make him happy - and he didn’t do that for me. So, really, who is the one with less worth? The person who gave it their all, or the person who half assed it?

Isn’t that the major issue with which we all struggle after getting dumped? We believe we’re worthless because the other person didn’t choose us after we gave them our hearts. My ex said to me, incredulously, “You told me you loved me!” He continued, “And I could never love you. If we stay in this relationship, your feelings will only grow and mine will stay stagnant.” He told me it wasn’t fair that I got to feel love and he didn’t. This was after he made me feel comfortable enough to even admit these feelings, as I’m not naturally an emotionally open person, nor do I fall for people easily. If anything, after seeing my parents marry and re-marry multiple times, I have always been a cynic when it comes to “true love.” But, he made me feel it. He told me he adored me. And while he was hot and cold for most of the relationship, when he was hot, I swore I FELT love from him. I can’t believe I’m even saying this. Reading my words is frankly humiliating considering there were SO many signs that things weren’t right. But that’s love. As Maya Angelou once said, “We are only as blind as we want to be.”

I should add that he is a veteran diagnosed with PTSD (to the point where he receives disability benefits), but truthfully, I don’t think that had anything to do with our break up. At the time, I attributed a lot of his behavior to his diagnosis. However, I think he just didn’t have the guts to tell me he simply wasn’t that into me and instead, strung me along in my love-filled haze until he couldn’t do it anymore. The triggering event was after I wrote him a letter that I put in his Christmas card detailing why I thought he was the one for me. The day after, I asked if I could leave the toothbrush I had just bought (I bought one for him too) at his apartment. He made a face and just said “Nahhh, I don’t think so.” This was after I spent five days straight at his apartment (at his behest - I never imposed). I was mortified and started frantically packing up everything I had at his apartment. My visceral reaction snowballed into the conversation that led to our relationship’s demise. We cried for at least two hours together: first in his apartment and then in the street next to his apartment as he helped me load up my car. He left me bawling in the street next to my car after a terse “good bye.” Upon reflection, I wonder how genuine his tears were.

Between our earlier blubbering sessions that day, I questioned how he could act so strongly toward me and then end things so abruptly. He said that just because we had been together longer didn’t mean his feelings had progressed. He said he loved making me happy - that making me happy made him feel so good. It was as if pretending to care about me as much as he did was a good deed rather than an organic action like it is for most people in relationships. He told me he was OK with the idea of short-term relationships - that there didn’t need to be a future in order for him to enjoy his time with someone. While I understand the concept of living in the moment, I just couldn’t wrap my head around this. I am eight years older than him and while I’m not ready to walk down the aisle, nor do I really want children, I didn’t understand how a person could enter into a semi-serious relationship with the intention of ending it in the near future. Of course, we all implicity know that relationships come with risks - there’s always a chance they will end. Most of them do for a multitude of reasons. But, this came off as odd to me, like he collects experiences with people simply for the experience rather than to build meaningful relationships that last longer than six months. He told me we couldn’t continue the relationship because I would just obsess over its inevitable end. And I suppose he was right. He lamented that he didn’t speak up sooner and that he never opens his mouth when he should. I guess he figured two days before Christmas was better than never.

Anyway, here is the list. For those of you suffering heartbreak perpetrated by a person you thought you loved, consider making one yourself. You’ll see that nobody deserves the idealization we afford our exes. We may not be perfect, but neither are they, and you NEED to see that in order to move on with your life:

*he criticized my appearance a lot. I cut my hair shorter before we started hooking up (it was still relatively long - to my shoulders), and at one point during a conversation, he said, “well, I had to DEAL with your hair.” He made it clear he liked long hair on women. All. The. Time. He would also imply my clothes weren't tight enough. He would state preferences he had for womens' appearances, which often didn't align with my looks or style. When he did give me compliments, they were mostly backhanded. For example, he would talk in comparisons, like "your hair smells better," instead of just saying “your hair smells good.” One time he said, "your stomach looks a TAD bit thinner" as I stood there naked and vulnerable after we made love. When I pointed this behavior out a few times, he told me that's why he didn’t compliment me, because I “throw it back in his face.”

*he's incredibly superficial.

*he lied about EVERYTHING, even stupid little things like saying he read a book that he hadn’t, or telling me he could speak/understand Spanish, but he couldn’t. I initially chalked this up to him trying to impress me because I'm older, but when I realized he lied about bigger things too, his credibility was so questionable, it became hard to believe him. I literally don't know if anything he said or that we experienced was real.

*he's lazy as fuck, which leads me to my next point...

*he doesn't do a damn thing to improve his physical health after he had surgeries on his feet last summer and then constantly complains about his pain. Literally, everything is about his own discomfort. Go to fucking physical therapy, go to the gym, lift some weights, just do SOMETHING you scrawny, feckless twat.

*he had a problem with me thinking and talking about the future, yet he said with 100% certainty that he could never love me. Ever.

*he has a victim mentality.

*he uses his PTSD as an excuse not to get close to people and does nothing to make it better, including never going to therapy, drinking excessively, and generally not taking care of himself. I feel for him that he has to deal with this mental illness, but never addressing it lessens my sympathy and empathy. Also, with all the lying he did, I often questioned how authentic his diagnosis was. I did a lot of research on PTSD and found that through the VA, it's quite easy to be diagnosed.

*he constantly made comments about other womens' appearances, whether good or bad. Either way, it was always about how women looked and not about who they were as people or artists or whatever else a woman can be besides attractive.

*he only wants women around to look at or give him attention. This is why he keeps an armada of female friends around. He can get attention from attractive girls and not have to give anything in return.

*he makes empty promises. He almost never honored his word. Then he tried to make me feel guilty for not trusting him.

*he spends money frivolously and is selectively cheap. For example, he'll spend $50 on tea but won't spend $10 on an Uber and will drive drunk instead.

*he often wouldn't get my jokes or references because of our age difference and instead of asking me to explain, he basically ignored what I said because he felt stupid, in turn making me feel stupid and uninteresting.

*he would often visibly stop paying attention while I was telling a story or talking about myself, but when he talked, I was expected to listen as he went on and on and on about every little detail. And most of the time his stories weren't that interesting. This was after he complained that I didn't open up to him as much as he did to me. When I pointed out that he doesn't listen when I speak, he blamed it on his ADD.

*he presents himself as extremely arrogant because he's so painfully insecure. He'd compliment himself more than he would me and then get mad at me for pointing it out.

*he is a wannabe and is only friends with people in order to emulate them (or for attention if the friend is female).

*all he likes to do is go to the movies, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Overall, one of the most boring people I've ever met.

*he would talk about jerking off way too much. I get it, you're a guy, but telling me you jerked off five times before I came over is excessive. I spoke to my guy friends about this, and all of them, some of whom are horny bastards, said it was creepy and excessive.

*he isn't as smart as he makes himself out to be. For example, he has done poorly in all of his engineering classes even though he claims he wants to be an engineer. He can't even do basic math in his head, yet claims he's so mathematically minded. The worst part is how he completely takes his educational opportunities for granted (including having it all paid for by the military). He barely tries in his classes until the very end when he realizes he fucked off all semester. This was especially frustrating for me considering I busted my ass in school while working and I'm still in debt from it all.

*he has created an elaborate ruse about himself, making others believe he is humble and genuine, but he's really just a narcissistic, manipulating, borderline sociopath.

*he lives his life like he's in a porno and clearly wants to live in a fantasy world rather than have something real with a person who actually cares about him.

*he can't take any criticism and always turned things around on me, even though he knew I was right. Several times during the relationship (when things were going well, of course) he even told me verbatim, “You’re always right” with great conviction. However, that honor was never bestowed upon me when his ego was feeling fragile.

*Most of his friends are lame as hell and are bad influences.

*he focuses his energy on people who don't deserve it just to avoid working on himself.

*he's not a hard worker. In fact, he doesn't even have a job.

*his stupid mohawk haircut. Grow the fuck up and get a big boy haircut.

*he didn't take care of his hygiene. His nails would be super long, his hair and skin would be greasy, he wouldn't shave, yet I was expected to always look hot, smell good, etc.

*he snores like a freight train and I could never sleep well next to him.

*he would comment more on his own sexual abilities than mine. It takes two to tango, asshat.

*after I gave him thoughtful gifts for Christmas two days before Christmas Eve, he dumped me the next day and left for a week. When he came back the day before New Year's Eve and we saw each other for the last time to get some closure and exchange some stuff, he gave me a picture of HIMSELF for Christmas. One 8 x 11 and several wallet sized ones. He spent a whopping $5 a day before he saw me (almost a week after Christmas). I know this because he left the receipt in the envelope. He even said to me, “I was gonna frame it for you, but I didn't because I know you like arts and crafts and figured you’d want to do something with it yourself.” Really? No, you didn't frame it because you did it all last minute and didn't want to spend the money. And also, what am I supposed to do with a framed picture of a guy I dated for six months who then dumped me after I poured my heart out to him and who treated me kind of shitty most of the time? Is he seriously that narcissistic and/or clueless?

So, there you go my friends. This was the person I thought I loved so much. The person I thought was “the one.” Your mind can play crazy tricks on you when you’re vulnerable no matter your age or previous experience.

Now go make your ex shit lists and read them. Then read them again. Repeat as often as necessary until you absorb their imperfections. Most importantly, be kind to yourselves and use this time to become better, stronger, and wiser. Much peace and love to you all ❤️☮️

Submitted January 23, 2019 at 05:07PM by thebigelectr0n http://bit.ly/2CCXc5j