Sorry this is a bit of an essay I've tried to split it into sections if you don't wanna read it all. I'm basically posting here because I'm at the end of my fucking tether and sometimes I feel like the only way i'm going to get any help is if I just try to kill myself. I've never been diagnosed with anything despite seeing the doctors for many years, and my father says I shouldn't pathologise everything but I would really just like to know what I'm working with, you know? I feel like my mood really fluctuates over a month, loosely following my menstrual cycle but i have quite an irregular one so I'm not sure it's just that. For a few weeks I'll feel generally really good, lots of energy and optimistic but with some not great days scattered around, and then for a few weeks I'll be having suicide ideations, sleep for hours and hours, cry a lot. I'm crying a lot these days anyway. I have family history of stuff, my father was a alcoholic most of his life and still struggles mentally but he was raped when he was a boy at school and I've not had anything really terrible like that happen to me. I saw my parents arguing a lot when I was growing up and my dad drunk though.
I've had some shit things happen to me recently, I cheated on my boyfriend (was trying to do an open relationship thing but he wasn't happy with it so I was a shit head) and we finally broke up 2 weeks ago after getting back together again for a few months after it happened. It was not only the cheating, that was the finally nail in the coffin of my relationship really, what helped break it down really was that I would talk about my problems all the time with my boyfriend, I tried not to dump too much on him but it would just come out sometimes and I needed to speak to someone about it, then he wouldn't want to talk to me about his problems because he knew I was not feeling great.
My cat is dying and I can't afford her treatment so I have to give her up to a shelter. I have absolutely no money, and I'm still trying to find some shitty job to do. I'm waiting to go back to uni in September, but have done no work. I did very badly at uni for second year, I feel like I shouldn't be there but I have to get a degree because I want to get a better job. I feel really shit about the art I make and I can't find the motivation or inspiration to do anything. I hate drawing now, but it's the only thing I can do. My tutor last year was incredibly demoralising and unhelpful.
I have been to several counselors before and have never found them to be much help, just someone to moan at and not have anything fixed, however the last one at my uni suggested to me to get a Dyslexia test and lo and behold I actually do have dyslexia. I don't know how bad because I can't understand my test results really and I need someone to go through them with me, but in bad moments my brain likes to tell me that it's not that bad, also when talking about it with other people they say 'Oh i have that too! i forget things sometimes!', when I'm over here just numbly accepting for the millionth time when I'm half an hour late for a hospital appointment and have shown up at the wrong place.
I did some online cbt stuff last year for several months and it was somewhat helpful, and I don't feel quite as terrified at the prospect of going back to uni, but it doesn't help the shit feelings day to day. A few months ago when I had to take a bus to work it went by my uni and I had a massive freak out on the bus. I was sobbing and remembering all the shit times I had there, and that I still had to go back and finish it.
I had been taking antidepressants (Citalopram) for the past three years with a break of less than a year, but I came off them because they weren't really doing anything. It seemed they'd work a while at first but just fade. My boyfriend at the time said that I actually seemed happier generally when I cam off them, though that may have been because I came off them after the events in summer.
Should I write out everything that has been happening to me for a GP? I really just don't fucking know what to do anymore. I feel shit about myself and that there isn't any point in doing anything. I just want to be able to do shit and not feel like a piece of crap. But then there's a voice in my head telling me that i'm just being pathetic, and in any case noone can really help me I have to help myself, but I literally just don't know what to do anymore because nothing seems to be changing, as time goes on it just gets worse.
Thank you whoever reads this.
Submitted January 17, 2019 at 03:45PM by snoottheboop http://bit.ly/2W1gn1n
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