Hi. Nutcase here. Been having a major depressive episode these last few days, pushing me to make an account and vent about it. I'm not a writer, and poor at organizing my thoughts, so this is going to be all over the place. I'm sorry.
I'm 27, and I've been dealing with this shit for most of my life. Unfortunately, I haven't done a damn thing about it, and it just gets worse. Every single day goes by and it feels more hopeless, like I'm destined to a life of misery. I want out. I so badly want to be better - to feel like a normal person - but I have immense difficulty helping myself. I am not a fan of myself, so I don't like doing things for myself. I just grit my teeth and let things fester, and lately it feels like I'm running out of strength, or running on fumes. I can't ignore it anymore. I think about death a lot, but I don't have suicidal thoughts. I want to live, but like, actually live. This isn't living.
I don't know what to do, or where to even start. I want a life - friends, a girlfriend, a career - things most capable people should have by now. Instead, I'm here - an art degree and my parent's house, 50k student debt, working very part-time at a pharmacy for dirt money, and working on a second Bachelor's online for IT. My parents aren't even hugely successful. They struggle financially and I can't help them. I'm a drain on them. I don't even have a driver's license due to an intense fear of being behind the wheel. My life has been a series of bad decisions, heavily influenced by my depression, anxiety, and lack of care. Art degree in video game design at a private school? Solid decision. Employers are gonna love that one. I'll worry about the loans later.
I've tried medication. Currently on one. I'm tired of playing musical pills. None have helped. I've also tried counseling to no avail. Never been able to find one that I could connect with. I always stop going because their questions are generic and do nothing to help me. I know my problems - I just don't know what to do about them.
I'm socially isolated and experience soul-crushing loneliness daily. We live in the middle of nowhere. I need to escape but I can't. The only socialization I get is talking to my friends online via Discord (it's like Skype) and online video games. I find second-hand socialization watching streamers on Twitch playing games. I live vicariously through them. Some are funny. Laughing helps me forget about everything.
I'm reclusive, socially awkward, and anxious. I don't want to be. I've had love interests that I've completely ignored, unwilling to process it mentally, ignoring advances. I go days at a time not speaking to my friends, making up excuses as to why I can't hop into a game with them. Too tired, not feeling well, busy, etc. My heart pounds in situations where I need to speak to strangers. I almost failed Public Speaking. The only reason I get by working at a pharmacy is some sort of miraculous numbing that my brain does to itself, allowing me to power through the day, almost robotically. I hate it immensely, but I'm damn good at customer service.
I'm emotionally stunted and easily damaged. I'm jealous of everything. Too attached to everything. The success of others is absolute torture for me. Happy relationships rip at my heart strings. Why can't I have these things? How am I supposed to form relationships when my emotions are still that of an overly-emotional middle-schooler? I don't want to put that kind of baggage on people. I also have this fragile pride that prevents me from doing things that I consider myself better than. I'd rather be jobless than apply for another position in retail or minimum wage. I'd feel pathetic seeking career help via unemployment agencies or utilizing government assistance like food stamps or welfare. I don't know why.
Confident, outgoing people scare the shit out of me. Their ability to take what they want makes me upset and angry. It's not their fault - it's mine. I feel inferior, and wish I could do the same. I feel pathetic compared to them. I feel small next to them. Comparison is the thief of joy - I know - But that doesn't make me feel any better. They feel like a threat - like any success or happiness I could ever find might be stripped away or stolen by them. Ridiculous thought steeped in jealousy, but it's there and it festers and eats at me.
I wear a very heavy mask made of apathy and nihilism, if that makes any sense. I'm so used to this that I don't even know what my real personality is. How do I help myself if I don't even know myself? This is how I act with my friends - emotionless, uncaring, etc. I want them to have fun, and I want to have fun with them, but I feel like I can't. I don't want to drag them down.
I'm constantly on edge. Even now, I'm frantically clicking my mouse while thinking of what to write. I shake my leg, tap things, bite my lip, grind my teeth, pick my nails, etc. It never stops and I can't relax. Everything is so loud.
I feel like this one is important, so embarrassingly I need to mention it. I'm hypersexual and absolutely addicted to adult content. I surround myself with it. I don't know why. Filling a void? Yet another form of escapism? I don't know, but it has a pretty firm grasp on me, and has for most of my adult life.
I'm out of shape and unhealthy. I'm not wildly overweight or anything, but I've been sedentary for my entire adult life and eat like shit. I can feel it catching up to me. It scares me.
I'm a perfectionist. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'll probably reread this post fifty times before finally submitting it, terrified that there might be a mistake - terrified that something might be unclear.
I feel like a child - like I stopped growing after high school. It terrifies me that I could be 30 years old and be in the same place. Thirty. That's only 3 years away and I haven't even started to become an adult yet. I understand that life isn't a race, but that's just unacceptable. I'm beyond the definition of late bloomer.
I feel like there are multiple versions of me. A very *very* rare "normal" version of me, where I can manage to schedule an appointment that I should've scheduled for myself months prior. A me that can get my coursework done in a reasonable manner. Then there's this escapist me, ignoring all of life's demands and drowning them out with video games, YouTube, talking to friends - anything that takes my mind off of life. Finally there's this reclusive version of me that drowns out not only life's demands, but even family and my own friends. I'm scared of this one, and currently dealing with it. I won't eat. I'll sleep all day and night. I'll spontaneously cry. I can't even stomach playing video games or listening to music. It makes me physically weak. My arms shake and my legs tremble.
Depression killed my aspirations. I used to love drawing, and was great at it. I have a natural talent for it. I wanted to be a digital artist and do digital 3D modeling. I had goals but no drive to succeed in them, no motivation to practice and build a portfolio. Instead I played games, ignored my surroundings, watched time pass by. I don't even know what I'm going to do once I finish this second degree. I have no plan, no dreams, no goals, nothing.
How did this even happen? Military family? Lack of discipline? Is it my fault? We moved a lot - been to many schools. Had to make new friends repeatedly, making less each time, depression gripping a little more each time. Parents never gave me chores, never grounded or punished me, never taught me discipline. Coupled with my lifelong, growing depression, maybe that's why? I wish I knew.
There's so much more that I could mention. I could make this post ten times longer if I wanted to, but I'll cut it here.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't expect a solution or some sort of miracle fix. I know life is going to be difficult for me. I guess I'm just venting, but if you read through everything, thanks for listening. I really do appreciate it.
Submitted January 15, 2019 at 12:52PM by Crazed_n_confused http://bit.ly/2CkrhGE
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