forever alone

i don't get hit on anymore. I don't get complimented anymore. I don't feel confident in my look. yesterday I actually started tearing up because I felt so ugly.

I see people walking around holding hands with their boyfriends and husbands, looking so happy...

and here I am, just looking forlorn and yearning for that special feeling and connection and love from someone.

people keep insulting me, not on purpose, but several times people asked me if I was tired, or if I was okay, and then I just get anxious and embarrassed and awkward and start nervously laughing but I am crying on the inside.

not that long ago, people used to say I looked like a teenager. now people are telling me I look 25-30 ...

I will look up at someone I think is cute and kind of smile or try to give them flirty eyes or a casual aura of having a fondness for them, and they will brush right past me or look disgusted, annoyed, nonchalant, etc. or I am just completely invisible. or they go talk to the girl behind me or next to me.

I wanted to go on cam several times recently, because I really need the money, but I couldn't do it. I felt so unattractive and I didn't want to look at myself. I was afraid I wouldn't get enough viewers or tips, or regardless, that I would be miserable as I scrolled through the front page on Chaturbate and compared my body to girls that are prettier than me/have better bodies/ have better features/ make more money, etc, have more guys that want them.

so then that made me cry.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this.

in these current times, to many people, if you aren't a girl who the majority consider to be "hot," "sexy," "fine," "bad bitch,"beautiful," "stunning," like a grossly competitive level of physical beauty and sex appeal, to the point of near-perfection, then you might as well be like, disposable, or invisible altogether.

lately I am really hating myself and what I look like. in photos, on camera, in the mirror, in videos. and it's hard to take.

I don't know what to do about it.

these are really uncomfortable and defeating feelings to have, especially so frequently.

yesterday, I was thinking about the song "loser" by Beck in my head like 50x, over and over, because that was the first word that came to mind to describe how I felt. like a loser. like a total loser.

...

and what a sorrowful feeling that can be...

...

I was gonna do my hair, but I was like, what's the point?

I was gonna do my nails, but I was like, what's the point?

I was gonna work out, but again, I was like-- What's. the. point?

Even when I do work out regularly and feel better and healthier and stronger and more fit, I know I will never be able to achieve the body I want through working out alone. It's just not possible. I'm not built way.

so, for now, I just drag this emptiness around in an exterior body that I have grown to hate, hoping, praying, wishing, waiting, that someday, maybe, if I win, that I will be good enough for some guy to want to marry and be with.

and if I can't find love or a partner or a relationship that brings me fulfillment- then I kind of have no reason to live.

I mean, i love art, but if i can't sustain a life with art and love and happiness, then really, it's not worth it. i can't. it's just too sad to bear. the thought is even too sad for me to bear. life is passing me by all around me, and I feel out of control

what's also difficult about it is, I am an introvert, and hermitlike, so it's even harder to meet people and make connections.

and im sensitive and sentimental and its rare that I encounter someone who "gets me" or that I feel I can relate to

they say that the world was built for two

and only worth living if somebody

is loving you

-Lana del Rey

sorry. i didn't mean to go there, but the reality is, being single and seeing stuff like a boyfriend embracing his girlfriend at a concert as they sway to the music being all cute and lovey and sweet and touchy with each other -- when I haven't been touched in so long -- it feels ....

depressing.

It feels really (unfair)

?

like I'm happy for them, i mean, but at the same time, I feel jealous as well.

does that make sense?

?

help

sad.

what do i do guys

sorry for the pity party. i hope you don't hate me...

how do you squash feelings like this ??????????

i'm trying my best to stay optimistic.

truly, i am.

but its hard

it hurts too much 😔😢

Submitted December 02, 2018 at 05:10PM by DreamFuck https://ift.tt/2U0YQFP