I'm a 27 year old male, I write this as I lay in bed after coming down 140 mg Adderall wanting to die - I've never put this into text for anyone and for once in my life I feel so low I'm desperately looking for how I will change. I'm fairly certain I have NPD, Though I know I'm not supposed to feel that way if I'm really a narcissist. The following is a bit of background that honestly may be rambling, I'll likely delete when i come to my senses..
My father was an abusive alcoholic devoid of any connection and my mother ran off with another women when I was 2-3. She was using meth. I was molested multiple times in preschool and kindergarten but I can barely remember, and years later that principal was jailed for rape. I moved schools almost every year and never had friends, in first grade I had one who I would hurt and then hug and apologize, constantly, it was totally abuse. At 7-8 I moved across the country with my mother as my father was not fit to raise us. I was diagnosed at that age with depression and OCD and put on Zoloft then Prozac, how awesome for a 7-8 year old? Ah the memories of camp with the truly insane kids from my therapy place, my counselor took pity on me and let me exclude myself from multiple activities. I became really good at gaming my therapist and eventually didn't have to go. I did somewhat better in school after this and things were stable until my mom got paranoid and cut me off my meds cold turkey (she's crazy and I've never had any vaccines either for perspective.) This was around 7-8th grade. Before this I was the class clown, even being awarded the title by vote. After the discontinuation of my SSRIs I became very anxious and depressed and missed out on key development socially and sexually that essentially ruined my life and created the emotionally retarded person I still am. I'm a somewhat attractive guy I can say with confidence, and I could not handle attention, ever. I've missed out on so many life experiences with the opposite sex due to my horrible anxiety and being a coward, and for years I hated myself deeply. I used to tie nooses and dig my nails into my skin all over leaving red scratches, and had extreme manic episodes, all around 12-14. I tortured my younger brother and would push him until he would hit me, just so I had an excuse to hit him. We have never had a close conversation despite him being one year younger. I played terrible mind games with him, and he now has serious issues, he's far worse than I, he cannot maintain eye contact in public has no self esteem, and has lately been on the verge of multiple breakdowns. I don't know how to feel about it. Him and my mother work for me now. I started to abuse drugs at 15 and by 19 was snorting heroin after young naive me was introduced to it by a scumbag junky co-worker, and taking up to 25 Percocet at a time, and plenty more. I abused opiates semi frequently for years (1-2x a week) until I finally had a horrible withdrawal and my girlfriend left me. This was the first time I possibly saw myself for who I was and I have the journal I wrote still. I lost my supply and was broken for weeks but she came back. I've abused almost every drug legal or not, and to some extent still do, for the past 10-12 years, particularly benzos speed coke opiates and psychedelics, even DMT. I have extremely poor memory and writing this is helping me remember alot, my life is a haze
Today I'm in a relationship of 7 years, and I'm unsure if I've ever been in love, or how it feels. I'm a horrible manipulative piece of shit who is likely going to be responsible for my spouse having serious issues forever; I am a resentful attention whore and embody essentially every trait I read here in my relationship, my temper is insane, especially if challenged. I've seen in her email quora updates about narcissists so she must have suspicions.
I've been on a rollercoaster of substance use going from one to another, and I'm certain I once had a stroke resulting in an ER trip, and likely will get cancer, dementia, more strokes etc from the insane amount of research chemicals I consumed, I've abused my body for so long with 2 near death experiences. I also still love coke and have more than once sourced it in public, last time from two waffle House waitresses who I did an 8 ball with. I felt so scummy and afraid and was so disgusted with myself that after that I booked a cabin for a week out of state. I returned and continued as usual. This is but a fragment of the stories I could tell of extremely impulsive high risk behavior - I have no idea why I'm still here, as I must embody the worst and most corrupted morals a man could have, I'm poison to anyone who crosses me and myself.
I've also been lucky enough to make millions online in the past six years via questionable but legal methods on the backs of the stupid, I certainly hurt people. I'm extremely greedy and it's helped me greatly. I thrive on being seen as successful, drive a new Mercedes, and always steer conversions to ME, Especially if I'm intoxicated. I am still very reserved in most situations and timid. I have 15 employees who likely hate me, including my mom and brother. I have no connection with my parents or brother emotionally, and really no one, I'm a pretty decent and generous guy but friends slip through my fingers; maybe they can see how phony I am, or I truly am just that annoying (I am.) I feel so empty, I don't feel like I'm a real person, and I'm so afraid I will go through life a shell of a man people despise, all alone. I'm extremely manipulative, not just to those in my vicinity, but to people online via anonymity. It's almost an art at this point, I'm a professional, and I use it to entertain my employees who for some reason don't see an issue with it, and enjoy it. I can't get specific but I've likely caused extreme anguish for more people than I could ever keep count, and the longer I do this the more fucked up it needs to be for me to find it funny. I'm Scaling it back, but I truly am full of unending hate and anger. I have seriously pushed my boundaries and pray most of this never comes to light and anyone sees the sadistic fucking psycho I am, but I utilize methods that can never be traced as I have immense resources at my disposal for my work for anonymity. I have felt bad once but it faded quickly and I continued to manipulate, I feel like a serial killer and the urge comes back stronger every time, a stupid analogy I know. I only respect those as or more successful than me and i always "knew" I would be wealthy and obsessed over this. My motto was I will have it easy or not at all. I happened to get lucky, but not without spending my young adult life isolated working constantly, unable to relate to others, and bragging causing resentment and people thinking i was a liar.
I'm sure there's plenty more I could say but that's my story. My drug use is becoming an issue and my business is suffering which leads to more stimulant use to stay ahead. I'll likely lose my fiance any day, I make her miserable. I often lately think about shooting myself in the head, but I'm not even sad or seriously considering it, they are detached from emotion and the thoughts have no origin it just happens randomly, I don't think I'm at risk for suicide but it's odd. I want to change so badly and I don't think I ever recognized just how badly I need help and I don't know where to start, I've always felt so superior, how could I need help? I actually always felt the horrible things in my life made me harder and more prepared to deal with bleak reality,that's how detached I am or was. Writing and recounting this in a concise order has me crying, which I only ever do for one to two seconds randomly with no explanation..
Please someone well versed in NPD if you've read this far What is wrong with me And Where do I begin Thank you
Submitted December 16, 2018 at 07:29PM by vaporwaremedia https://ift.tt/2PHrUi0
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