Hi guys, if this is in the wrong subreddit, just let me know. Also, long post ahead. I'm sorry.
I'm 26, and I don't have a degree. I was one semester away from graduating with a degree in animation, but I couldn't finish it following a really terrible breakup -- I was suicidal and trapped via lease living with my ex because I was too poor to move away. I was attending on scholarships, and after the breakup my grades plummeted so I couldn't afford my last semester. I went to a really particular art school, too, where the credits you earn lock you into that school otherwise you're going to have to repeat a few years, so I already dug myself a hole there. I can't afford to go back on loans, either, because I need a cosigner and I only have one viable parent, and there's a limit on student loans that a parent can sign on, and my mom can't cover me. Right now I earn barely above minimum wage at Starbucks, and I managed to get carpal tunnel from being worked to the bone. I have worker's comp, and I need surgery on my hand, which if I have the surgery would leave me earning only 1/3 of my paycheck while I recover, which isn't an option for me: I'm barely holding together as is, and now that's not just my lifestyle, but physically. And all I can think is that I brought this on myself for falling apart like an idiot over someone who cheated on me.
I grew up overseas, and moving back home isn't really an option. I'm really, really close to falling back into that suicidal hole again, and I know that if I go back it'll be the final nail in my coffin. It's not about my pride, more-so going back to living with my mother who doesn't understand (while she's tried over the years) that she's the source of a lot of mental grief in my life, and neither she nor I can afford professional help to get over the hurdle together. I tried using Starbucks' mental health benefits in my city to deal with my issues, but the only therapist who was within travel distance and wasn't tied to a church within my network (the south is special) didn't listen to a word I said and would give stellar advice like "stop worrying about it" (and then never elaborating on calming techniques or helping me cope with anxiety and depression. Super helpful, she was). I know that I'll be miserable because even spending the holidays there for over two weeks - every time I go back for more than two weeks - I see the patterns of growing up again, and it triggers my anxiety and depression and I just shut down out of fear and conditioning. Although not paying rent would help, I'd be putting my mental health on the line, and knowing how bad it can get, I'm not sure it would be worth it.
I also don't have a driver's license. The driving age where I grew up was 21, and by the time I even considered driving in the US I was no longer enrolled, holding on to a shitty Starbucks job, and barely able to make ends meet and still can't afford borrowing a car to take the driving test. So bonus You're A Fucking Fuck-Up points there.
Best part? After all this time hating myself for not finishing my degree, I don't think I even want to be an animator anymore. Hell, I can't even draw anymore because I stopped doing it altogether for four years when I started working because I had no time, and now my dominant hand needs surgery that's going to fuck up my ability to attempt to draw for years, so finishing that stupid degree isn't worth it anymore. Right?
So that leaves me with what I have now: an unfulfilling job, unable to leave the damned city I failed to get my degree in, with a body falling apart, my mind falling apart, and having zero dreams of success or a future.
The part of my brain that's still hopeful says that there's gotta be something that I can do and that I'm just not seeing, but I don't know what. I want to go to a local college and get a degree but, again, I'm barely making any money. Mom can't afford to sign any loans for me if I can't get a scholarship, which after flunking so miserably after that shitty breakup I don't see happening.
Please, if anyone has some real advice on where I can go from here, I'd sincerely appreciate it.
Thank you for your time, everyone.
Submitted December 08, 2018 at 04:09AM by shirabliss https://ift.tt/2G7KeS1
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