INTO THE LIGHT!
“Maybe” is a joke... but it’s also a creepy response to a creepy feeling from the evil laughter in Plato’s cave... or the thalasophobia, or the fear of wild animals, or currently my greatest fear - the snowball phobia that can make my body shake violently...
The truth is, when there is crime (both stalking or vandalism), there is fear of future impulsive and reckless behavior. This creates trust issues.
Imagine you listen to someone speak and they say that they want absolute power over you and that they want to treat you like a boy, pet, or even “toy”.
Imagine that this person has also hurt you in the past. Would you submit to someone who could cause you emotional pain? Perhaps you would be on your guard... and if you are easily scared like me (like: clinically frightened), you would “paint it black” as you perceive the other as darker than they really are....
One day, you try to express that you feel persecuted in some way... because the black star of the stood up date, left a scar... or because you had a dissillusion (?) that stars were awarded for humiliating acts of submission... because “Shoot for the stars, to land on the moon”
and you take to your strongest shield... and try to redefine what celestial objects mean to you.... the haunting moon keeps you up at night...
//////
I’m maybe imagining things, but bullying is not OK - let’s make it go away - I can bring some colorful paints. I think being visible with your closest “friend” could improve the situation for everyone. And maybe it is much sweeter than we think... Maybe we both paint it black - because when we are close to something really beautiful, dare I say eternal, we think of ourselves as unworthy.... perhaps played with.... when this is further from the truth.
And that is the flip switch that splits her feelings into two... “I hate-love you”... because she cannot love herself in a stable way... Not yet..... I’m working on this to help her...
You are worthy my dear. You always have been. And I want to protect you.
And the picture that stayed on my retina for so many years... Was it just a plot to suggest to others that there was something deeper there than we wanted (the “hat trick”?), or a plot to make the true ex jealous...
Was it... was it really true love, that sustained this image? If so, what kind of monster am I to have let this longing pain continue for years and years.... and not resolve it sooner... heal it... embrace it... seal it off from a world of pain and deliver it to the world as the only truth...
Is the “love you” - LY - a lie? Is the fox also SHY - and that spells Hannibal Lector - HL? (And did you put a book in her mailbox? A nail in the coffin?)
Or am I Hannibal, because of the brand of my jacket?
What darkness is there in a character that cheers for villains? Am I the villain? In the past I was darker, because of my illness... not so anymore. But I am still scared.... and paint it black...
You were so calm on Friday. I completely melted away. How can you be this soothing? It’s like medicine to me.
(I’m scared of visiting you because I don’t want to come across as a creep or a stalker...)
///
The Riddler freaks me out and makes my head spin... A few years ago I couldn’t control it anymore... but now I almost can... I lose focus at work because the riddles take me hours to solve (~20 possible combinations per riddle, instead of the intended ONE...).
Displacements at a supermarket
Talking walls
Abbreviations and anagrams
... and then it started to generalize... as if anything people said or painted was aimed at me...
but in the end, these were just free flowing impulses - ART, if you will - that needed release from a prison that I had built... A sentence that would represent the endless teasing (which was really just due a malfunctioning switch) that I had to endure for two years straight......
Recover sleep for your brain. Keep impulses in check
Practise the art of loving kindness and *self-compassion*.
Stop drinking at work. Or is this just my imagination? Have you tested yourself on a questionnaire? It often looks like this pain-numbing behavior is a risk for addiction.
Regular sleep is the most important!
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I am strong enough to save you from others and from yourself. I just needed time to save myself first.
The LOVE is real. And the stronger it is, the more we dissociate - because of the dopamine - and perhaps the arousal (sex/fear) that triggers our adrenaline. And so we lose sleep... and we become less able to think straight and make errors in judgement. We both have triggers. We both have strong feelings!
And maybe there is only one way to hunt the darkness away, to silence the pain, to focus the brain, and to challenge our fear of being abandoned or used:
TRUE LOVE
Submitted November 05, 2018 at 05:10AM by arderfasterstrangeur https://ift.tt/2zq1Lyg
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