I need a bit of help, with, I guess, defining, what exactly my mother was. If this post doesn't belong here I apologize, I'm new to Reddit.
Okay, so, first off, a bit of background. I was born after a couple of late term miscarriages and almost was one myself (they caught it early and put my mother on bed rest until I was born). I'm 10+ years younger than my other siblings, so I was practically an only child. I was the only little kid, I was the baby, and I was "the miracle". My mother spoiled me a good deal. I'd say up until about age 7 or 8 she treated me like a princess. I could do no wrong and I wanted for nothing. I wasn't particularly bratty, but I was aware of the fact that my mom would do anything for me, and I enjoyed it.
But then it seemed like, when I stopped being a really little kid, and got closer to being a teenager, she became increasingly critical of me.
Making passive aggressive comments about my handwriting (I've never had the best penmanship. It's perfectly legible but it's not particularly nice to look at) and my drawing skills (things like: "oh wow that girl sure has some long legs", "is that a cat? oh it's a dragon? well it looks like a cat", or my teenage favorite: "oh you still draw that anime stuff? I thought you grew out of that").
Telling me to watch the size of my (perfectly natural) tummy fat and to not eat too much. She was overweight herself and seemed to project that onto me, even though by all accounts I was a pretty skinny kid (not that it would be cool of her to be like that if I were a chubby kid, but still). One time I got a small bowl of ice cream after dinner, and she completely snapped at me: "You're eating THAT? Haven't you noticed your stomach lately?" It made me feel so ugly and gross that I just dumped the bowl in the sink and went to bed. She would even sometimes "affectionately" tap my stomach in public to remind me that it was sticking out. Although the one time my father saw her do that, and my hurt/embarrassed reaction, he chastised her out for it, and she never did it again, thankfully.
But it still got worse as I grew up. There was a humiliating, negative comment for just about everything I did. One time she picked me up from school, and I apologized for not being in the usual place to wait, because I figured that probably confused her. She said it was fine, she recognized me easily. "Wanna know how?" she said. I was like "idk Mom how" and she immediately started mimicking the way I used to bite my nails back then, with exaggerated sound effects. It was extremely hurtful. When she saw me start to cry, all she said was "See? Maybe now that you see how gross you look, you'll stop."
And in addition to that, any achievement of mine was ways undermined, if not completely ignored. And I don't mean things I was supposed to be doing, like chores or passing grades. I once got an award for handwriting. I know I already said my penmanship was ugly, but in 4th grade they had this "Classroom Olympics" thing and I decided to try to win the "Handwriting" medal to really impressed my parents. I worked really hard, wrote out the little phrases perfectly and won a little laminated medal. I brought it home and showed it to my mom, and all she said was "Huh, really?" and I said "Do you not like my handwriting?" to which she replied "Well I just would never have considered it award winning."
I also used to have tremendous stage fright as a kid. Even oral reports gave me panic attacks. But I got over it pretty quickly when I took drama class in middle school. Acting was so fun, I didn't get scared of the crowd. But I was still terrified of singing in front of people. I finally did, though, at my senior year talent show, and I did great. Everybody roared and whistled when I finished. I was so proud of myself. My mom's response, after the show? Barely looked up from her phone and said "mm-hm, you did well".
And another time (I'm almost done, I promise), I was given a project for my sophomore year art class: ask someone to give you three words that they felt described you, and try to portray those words with art. I asked my friends and most of them said things like "creative, funny, dramatic, thoughtful, clever" etc. When I asked my mother, she sighed and thought for a while, and said: "well, I guess I can't really say hardworking, or rational, or level headed" etc etc. She wasn't even saying it in a mocking sort of voice; she was speaking as casually as if you'd asked her the time. It was objective fact to her that there just wasn't a lot of good to be said about me.
This has continued into my adulthood (I'm a housewife and mother now). It doesn't have a great effect on me anymore, as I no longer live with her, hardly speak to her, and any petty criticisms she has of me are immediately dismissed. They might still hurt and bother me, but I don't take them to heart like I did as a kid/teen. But it's always something. My house is never clean enough. I don't go to church enough. My kids aren't at their developmental milestones quickly enough. I don't feed them healthy enough (yeah, as if I didn't grow up on McDonald's trips and Sonic brown bag deals like every other kid, huh Mom). I let them watch too much TV. I don't call her enough, don't visit enough, don't socialize enough, etc etc. My husband isn't talkative enough, he's "boring" or has a "bad" fashion sense (he actually is one of the funniest, wittiest, and neatest dressed men I've ever met. he just doesn't like talking to HER. I can't imagine why /s), etc etc.
And one day, she had the absolute gall to ask me, only just a few feet away from my husband, "Are you happy? I mean, with your life? Is this REALLY what you wanted?" What am I supposed to say to that, especially to someone who never seemed very invested in my own happiness. And it'd be a little late if I wasn't, wouldn't it? I'd already been married five years and had my second child by then. I told her of course I was, otherwise I wouldn't have chosen this life. She just sighed and said, "I guess I just hoped for so much more for you". I didn't care to ask what she meant by that. It doesn't matter.
I am only just beginning to unpack the baggage a whole childhood with her has left me with, and I can see now that she projected all her personal desires and insecurities onto me. Nothing was good enough, everything was a problem that needed to be fixed, and the standards constantly went up. And now, in my adulthood, nothing in my life meets these mysterious expectations she apparently has of me. But is that narcissism, and if not, what is it?
Anyways, thanks, and again, I apologize if this does not belong here.
Submitted October 15, 2018 at 07:56AM by 2dpaperplanes https://ift.tt/2yFq8rh
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