Using a throw-away because.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I'm not here for therapy but rather for advice on what to do next. Please excuse the sob-story details but I feel its necessary to get the full scope of what's happening.
We are a southern Ontario family. My mother, "Jane", is not a compassionate or generous person. Picture upper-middle class, white British background, comes from prestigious military family, hardcore christian. Jane has always had ample resources and money at her disposal. Jane suffered from postpartum depression with all three of her sons (I'm the eldest) and always refused treatment for her severe anxiety. My father, "Al", was usually absent, a career-obsessed high-ranking union boss who traveled more than he was home. Jane had full control over familial matters, Al always went along with whatever she suggested.
Jane was very clear to me growing up that she would never provide any kind of financial support for my education, career, or family if I chose to have one. She always told me that giving me money for my education would be a waste since I'd party it all away (in reality I've put myself through college twice on my own, graduating both times at the top of my class). She pushed for me to enlist as infantry and refused to support any other career path. Jane has made financial promises in the past to me or my wife to get attention and appear generous, especially around others, but later on she will conveniently forget about the arrangement and will play dumb if confronted. She has never once made the 40 minute trip to visit her own grandchildren, claiming her anxiety is too severe to travel. She created a boys' room in her house, complete with twin feather beds and rustic art, to show off to her friends... but refuses to allow her grandchildren to stay overnight.
Jane treated her middle son, "Hank", even worse growing up. We're talking real physical/mental/emotional abuse. I've always been close to my brother Hank, we know we have to look out for each other.
She openly played favourite with her youngest son, "Gord", treating him like her baby and spoiling him constantly. Gord refuses to talk or even message me, Jane has full control of him and works to keep us separated.
My entire life I've fought to stop my parents from mistreating Hank while Gord received lavish gifts, (like a brand new SUV or car), all while I was ignored and left to fend for myself.
We also recently discovered that my father, Al, abandoned his true first child, a daughter, along with her mother back in the 80's. She was only an infant when he ghosted from their lives. She is now a drug addict and mother of three living in squalor. Somewhere along the way Al opened up a secret bank account for her and was providing her with substantial support, although that came to an end around 2013 and it's all been spent on drugs since.
Right now if you're picturing a more depressing version of the Bluth's then you're on the right track.
Which, up until recently, I was more or less able to cope with. I've been able to help Hank due to my own career success, and I've been able to help myself through counselling. I've matured and achieved some stability while starting a new family for myself, free from past mistakes. I was finally able to not let Jane, Al and Gord have influence on my future happiness.
Al passed away 20 months ago from cancer. I suspect Jane inherited a sizable estate from Al's life insurance and pension. I don't know the contents of his Will since she's refused to show it to me or my brothers, though I strongly believe she gets full control of everything legally.
Leading up to the funeral, Jane couldn't handle the arrangements, eulogy, etc. due to her anxiety so I stepped in and did everything. While I took care of all the details she repeatedly promised to provide my wife and I with a new vehicle once the dust had settled. We couldn't afford a car at the time and we were struggling to get around with our babies using public transportation. I left my family at home, took the train and stayed with Jane for two weeks to help her out. I felt bad for her and it appeared like she had humbled herself and wanted us to be closer. I paid for all my own expenses and travel.
A few months after the service, once she felt a bit better, Jane did her usual trick of forgetting every car-related conversation we ever had. When I confronted her with a recording of her promise, she refused to acknowledge it. My wife and I had already made financial plans based on her promise and we were stunned when she reneged. Despite being the eldest son I received nothing and my mother refused to discuss inheritance with me. My wife and I have had financial difficulty since. I have three little children aged 1-5yrs (my brothers are both child-less) and we are crammed into a one-bedroom apartment. I broke off contact with Jane, but she doesn't care.
Hank was given Al's old work car, a 2008 SUV in rough shape. That's all he received. It broke down last year beyond repair. Hank wants to get married, he's been engaged to the same girl since before my father passed but Jane won't provide him with any more support. They are struggling financially.
In contrast, Gord has been given a brand new truck, had his wedding paid for, was moved into a duplex down the street from Jane, and she's constantly taking him to dinner, buying him supplies/food, they're going together on trips, etc.
The one thing my father Al had always wanted was for the house that he paid for to be divided equally among his three sons. I always suspected his Will clearly states this.
Yesterday, my mother shocked everyone by announcing she is getting re-married to a man she has been dating for about four months (she started dating six months after my father passed... they had been married for 25 years). I confronted her about it earlier today. Jane blamed her excessive loneliness for the speed of her decision. She even admitted that she wants to get married so she can have 'relations' without breaking any religious rules. They are planning to marry this December. She said she is going to sell/rent the house, purchase a RV, and travel around North America with her new husband.
New guy lives with an adult dependent, his son, who is mentally disabled. There are no real plans on how to set up the disabled son with care or living arrangements. The son is a well-known compulsive public masturbator. They both said he will have to "grow up and take care of himself" even though he clearly cannot hold down a job. Everyone else in their family refuses to care for him. New guy has two other kids; a son with a bat-shit crazy ex-wife who loves to sue people, and a daughter with seven kids who despises our entire family. New guy is also recently widowed and owns property which he apparently also intends to sell.
When I pressed her, Jane admitted planning to 'sell' the house to Gord and his new wife. She said it makes the most sense to give it to Gord because he lives the closest, spent the most time there as a kid, and is the only one who can afford it (which is a lie, his business is failing and he's selling his truck). I told her I know about Gord's business flunking and him letting go of all his staff. I said it makes more sense to rent the house to my family since we have three kids, need the space, we're both employed, our commute would be quite manageable, and we can actually afford it. She said no because we don't work locally enough.
At this point, I decided to guess that Al had put in his Will something about a 3-way split for the house. I said I knew about it and that if she gave Gord the house, somewhere down the road Hank and I would demand our shares of the real estate value and Gord would have to buy us out in order to keep living there. That made her pause and re-think her strategy. I must have guessed right about the Will. She said she had a 'counter-offer' for me (her words). She suddenly exclaimed that if I could find a home closer to where we already live, she would gift my wife and I the down payment, up to $20,000. It was heavily implied that this would be a payoff to stop me from going after the inheritance house. I have a skype recording of her saying this.
When I asked if she would need credit to cover the 20K, she laughed and said "I have more than enough stashed away to handle it", which basically confirms that she has hoarded my father's large inheritance for herself since 2016 and that she was more than capable of providing my brothers and I with fair, reasonable support, but chose not to.
I've since learned that after my father passed, Jane spent thousands upgrading the house, buying pets, and living large with daily yoga/nails/makeup/etc. I believe my father already had money set aside for a down payment for us, but Jane gave it away to other older family members so they could throw a big party. She's also recently donated large amounts to several charities.
I'm at a loss right now, I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know if I wait until 2019 to roll around, my chances of getting anything at all out of Jane drop to zero. She'll disappear with her fortune and I'll never hear from her again. If I can arrange a mortgage quickly, I will be 20K ahead and perhaps have a suitable home for my growing family. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of trading 20K for what could be ten times that amount if the house were sold properly and I received my third as (probably) stated in the Will.
Any advice? Sorry for the long read. I'm guessing I probably need an estate lawyer or something.
TL;DR: My selfish inheritance-hoarding promise-breaking mother offered me a 20K mortgage down-payment for me to go away and sadly it might be my best option all things considered?
Submitted October 10, 2018 at 04:28AM by SacrilegiousSaint99 https://ift.tt/2OLVUgs
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