I've been thinking about writing a post here for a few weeks now, and it took me a while to come to an agreement as to what to make this post about.
Lately, I've been getting a taste for work.
I used to escape having to do the part where you have to sit down and make things happen, because it felt like a painful grind, something that I had to do, which I, a rebel by nature, couldn't take well. I'd lay in bed and watch Netflix and eat junk food all day, 'cause it was simpler and easier on the ego than to try and possibly fail to come up with a good result. I'd rather have great ideas than mediocre execution, 'cause I'd rather feel good about myself than test my ego's integrity by applying it to the real world.
Lately, however, something changed — one of those moments when you make a choice to do things differently, and your perspective changes with it. I read a post on this subreddit by someone roughly described as brilliant but lazy; I chose it because I felt like the advice given in the thread would apply to me, as well, since this is moniker I've been carrying so far.
At the same time, I've been reading Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, where a big part of the philosophy is taking responsibility for oneself and one's actions. There's a chapter that discusses the yin-yang relationship between the savior archetype and the victim archetype: the two kinds of faulty personalities that would shed responsibility for themselves by either helping someone else instead (the savior) or looking for help instead of making the effort (the victim).
From the first, I've learned that I value my idea of myself (the clever, intelligent person who's able to nail it) higher than a more effective model (like the kind of a person who's consistently putting in the effort to make their ideas come to life), which is why I don't do the work: it might hurt my idea of self if I fail.
From the second — that waiting to get help with doing the work is another way to protect the ego. Right now, I'd rather play videogames and watch TV than spend even an hour a day consistently to make what I want, because if I don't take responsibility for it, then I... might... blame the world for not giving it to me? Sounds laughable when I jot it down this way.
I guess those two ideas were the justification I needed to change my ways, 'cause lately, I'd spent two days in a row doing actual productive work — a record, if anything, for me.
I'm an ambitious person. I want to speak multiple languages, I want to do well with writing and design, I want to be able to code cool stuff on the web, I want to reliably cook well, I want to have my own good place to live, and so much more...
Problem is, I won't ever accomplish it if I stick to the routine I have now (see above), and that routine is rooting in not just a habit. I have depression, and my nervous system is much more sensitive than most people's (something called "sensory processing sensitivity"; people who have it are commonly referred to as HSPs, for "highly-sensitiver person"), so when I get anxious, it's bad enough that I'd rather run away from the task at hand completely. I could be excited to work on a project for a day or two, but eventually, the enthusiasm runs out, and even if I still want to work on it, it loses meaning after a while, and the desire transforms into the "mmmmeeeeeeh" that many people are familiar with.
From that, follows low self-esteem, the sense of mental muddiness (where the mind can barely slog through, even if I'm pretty sharp when I'm doing okay), the anxiety about the uncertain future (where it feels like I can't or won't be able to do well later, even though I feel okay about it as long as I work on something of consequence consistently), the desire to waste money (of which I have little, partly because of my spendings) mostly on junk food, the loss of sleep... and it all rolls back onto itself, forming a vicious circle that seems unbreakable for anywhere from one to four days in a row.
I can't keep going like this. If I do, I'm going to drown, emotionally and mentally, and become what George Carlin referred to "dying in their 20s", becoming old and grumpy while I'm young and my body and mind are as strong as they'll ever be (I'm 23). I need to change this: as much as depression is a bitch, I want to do better than moan about how I can't get stuff done.
Formulating a plan is no problem. It's the following-up to it wanes with time, as I slide back to my old, victimized, unproductive self. So, I want to develop the skills to follow up on my own promises to myself.
Naturally, it will not be easy with depression hanging over my head. So far, I don't have enough money to afford therapy, so getting medication to relieve the effects of the fucked-up wiring is not in the prospects right now. Before I get there, I want to come up with some sort of a framework that would help me get stuff done — something beyond to-do lists, contracts with self and other techniques that might work for other people.
I'm usually a self-reliant person in matters of consequence to myself, but I feel like, right now, I need someone to enforce accountability from the outside. I need someone I could talk to every day and confide about the good and the bad. Someone who'd be brutally honest about my results yet support me all the way. I don't know if I'm asking for too much: social skills have never been my strongest suit. I've always pushed people away, even though I know damn well I need people.
Beyond that, I need the data. The things that motivate me to change the most are scientific and philosophical ideas that align with my goals. The more I read up on things that make sense to me, the more I'm willing to act according to them. I know I'd rather get up at 4 AM every day, and I vaguely realize the ways in which it's going to be good for me, but it's not enough: it doesn't click. On the other hand, I started opening up more to people after reading about the "structure", so to speak, of the idea of social interactions. "By being open with people, I build up connection and intimacy. The more connection and intimacy I have with someone, the more we are on the same wavelength, which means we're more likely to be closer to each other, which means being able to share deeper concerns and ideas and see more of the other person's inner world..." — and so on. For example, there's a lot I've already gotten from Mark Manson's blog, as well as from David Cain's blog Raptitude. The explanation of the process of human-being helped me a lot.
If anyone's willing to hold me accountable in long-term, PM me so we could discuss details.
If any of you have an article or a personal experience that could help me do better under current circumstance, I'd appreciate your sharing it.
Submitted October 03, 2018 at 12:22PM by ThatFanficGuy https://ift.tt/2OuB2dA
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