I managed to stop watching porn entirely for a total of about 30 days, and stopped masturbating for 14. It started shortly after I left a job that I felt wasn't paying me enough and a rut that was driving me crazy.
My efforts to stop happened after I watched a video on YouTube about the affects of porn, which I'll post the name of when I'm less sleepy. I felted encouraged to stop before when I watched that episode of One Millionth Merit on Black Mirror, and after watching this short film called Incel on Vimeo recently, but even though I stopped for about 3-7 days after that, I went right back to it for some reason.
I really started to want to make a change after watching that YouTube video from What I've Learned, though. It made me think about how, "Well, porn is bad for me, and I've had it in my life since I was 14, so how do I know what I am like without it? And carbs turned out to be bad for me too, despite what people have told me. And I've been encouraged to go to college since I was in highschool, but all it did was give me more debt. Well, what else is in my life that is secretly holding me back that I don't notice because I'm used to it being a part of my life?"
So I started restricting my use of YouTube, started listening to more Christian metal and songs I can actually relate to whenever I had bouts of sexual frustration during the first three nights. I took up learning how to sketch, which was kind of weird when it came to drawing naked models because it was difficult to just see nude women and appreciate them as art, while still inevitably acknowledging their sexual beauty, but without getting aroused, but I did it. Although a part of me still desired some form of passion or companionship, I rebuked porn because I decided it was toxic, and I rebuked the idea of dating because I don't trust myself and others, and believe I need time away from society, or in society as an observer, and mend my mind before I can ever love anyone, if ever.
I began reading the Bible because it gave some solice, and began to meditate on a regular basis. Funny enough, just three days of meditation and not watching porn caused my sex drive to sky rocket, and I easily got aroused without any external stimuli at times, which is weird I think.
And then I went to CO for work, and everything went wrong. I got shamed and ridiculed for my mistakes and decisions by other men and failed to stand up for myself (not pertaining to porn, but money and work), discovered I had a fear of heights while working in the mountains, almost ended up homeless, and now I'm back home and my bad habits are back at full force, and I have so much built up resentment and despair, it feels like my mind is slowly unraveling most days because there's no one to take my anger out on, no one to be assertive towards, no freedom of movement, no work, no anything that I need.
Even though I had no fear of the dark while camping, I almost constantly feel like something is watching me when moving around the cramp kitchen of my father's small 4-room house. Works of dark fiction and horror stories that I used to just find fascinating now make me feel uneasy for days after, and the fact that I thought I was hearing the voice of God trying to comfort and guide me and started having suicidal thoughts while working in the mountains doesn't help anything. It's not that I believe God is bad. It's just that I often believed that God could not be communicated with directly like that, and I DID find his voice comforting, even though I have a strong belief it was just some part of my rational thinking instead. But I had recently began questioning my spirituality, and I often link things like hearing God, or any voice inside your head that sort of runs on its own as being associated with angels, demons, and other spirits and things of fiction as well. Things that, with the things I read and my current mental and emotional state, really don't help me one damn bit.
I'm thinking about going on another purge, where I just cut off porn and any possible temptation, listen to good music, meditate all the time, read the Bible, program, and that's it. However, it seems harder this time, especially without a job. ESPECIALLY while looking for a job. I often catch myself trying to find substitutes like tasteful videos of sexy women on YouTube, or listening to audio porn, but it just feels like cheating. Like I'm drinking nail polish remover instead of hard liquor since I can't have the real thing.
I'm tired of getting rejected for jobs and being seen as a reject for dropping out of college and leaving half of my most recent jobs, so I've begun to teach myself programming via freeCodeCamp with the intent of finishing enough of the curriculum by the end of the year to get a junior web developer job or freelance online from home, and right now, it's the only thing that makes me feel like I am even remotely salvagable.
I'm also trying the Self Authoring program from that thing Jordan Peterson started. It only cost me $30 essentially for the whole package, so if it can possibly set me straight, it's worth it.
Submitted October 05, 2018 at 10:39AM by Lumbar3000 https://ift.tt/2y0o9hM
No comments:
Post a Comment