TLDR: BF's 15 YO took advantage, lied, stole, did drugs, wreaked havoc on our lives & things that I owe her an apology.
BF & I have been together for 4.5 years and live together. I fully understood when we got involved that loving him meant he came with 3 girls & I quickly fell in love with them too. Mom is a bit of a train wreck, so it was important to me to show them what a healthy relationship and female role model was. The girls were 7, 11 and 13 when we met - now 11, 15 and 17.
Fast forward to last year and mom seems to have singled out the middle daughter, lets call her Ann, as the problem child. Mom called and texted repeatedly that she wanted her out of the house and wanted to send her to a group home for help. There was a ton of verbal abuse & some physical altercations as well. He would do what he could, living a distance away, by trying to diffuse the situation from afar and often times going down and picking Ann (and the other girls) up until cooler heads could prevail. Now, I don't have the highest opinion of mom to begin with for a host of reasons (honestly, I have a piss poor opinion of her) and by that time, I had blocked her from contacting me, but I don't allow speaking badly of her in front of or by the girls while in my home.
Mom opened up a CRA (Child Requiring Assistance) with the juvenile court system to essentially get Ann removed from her home and placed in either foster care, or a troubled kids home. Mom lied to us about it at first and told BF he didn't need to show up to court because it was about truancy and she just wanted to scare her. After the initial court date, the truth came out and over BF's dead body would his child go into a group home & I fully agreed. Well, a bunch of hearings later (both of us showing up to every one) and us fighting very hard for it.... the court agreed to allow Ann to move in with us, separating the siblings (which is rare) and absolutely infuriating mom and against her wishes. But the "I hate you because you breathe" mindset is strong with her and BF when it comes to each other, so that was no surprise to me.
Ann tells us all the things that mom does and I'm honestly horrified at the verbal abuse and knocking down of this young girls self esteem.
Ann has been in therapy for years - individual therapy, mentor, weekly family therapy (so has mom and the other girls are off and on with individual therapy over the years). We agreed with therapists & DCF that too much change could be detrimental to her, so for the remainder of the school year (this was late September, so school had just started), Ann would stay at her school. This meant a complete change of schedule for us.... 2 hour commute each way. Our jobs were understanding, allowed us to change schedules and I did morning, while he did evening shifts.
We assign chores, buy her clothes, redecorate her room, buy her the phone she wants, give her an allowance and generally try to create a solid structure around the situation. Her job during the school year was to do her homework and work on the relationship with her mom to improve it over time. Once summer hit, she needed to get a job, as the allowance would stop. We prepped to have her transfer to a school in our town the following year. She struggled in school. Not because she is not smart, but because she didn't do the work, or she hated that teacher or this class... typical teen stuff, but amplified because she is so angry at the world (or so I think at the time).
Every night is sit down dinner, we talk about everything. We give her space, when she does something wrong, we don't freak out or yell, we talk. She is moody, has problems, hates everyone, has a lot of social anxiety, has suffered from depression, so we are gentle. I am gentle. I am her friend, I tell her she is good and kind and this is not her fault, we talk about anything and when she doesn't want to talk, I say, ok, we'll discuss it later when you are more calm. That is NOT what she got with mom, so BF and I think we are doing the right thing. But I walked on eggshells in my home because i never knew what I was going to get... it was difficult.
Months go by. Relationship with mom doesn't improve... and mom does & says some messed up things to her, so we don't push too hard. She decides she doesn't want to go to family therapy because they end up fighting every single time and not getting anywhere, We agree that she can take a break over the summer, much to mom's anger. Mom and BF are still fighting, but now me and BF are fighting more (super unlike us). He gives her too much leeway and I think she needs more structure.
Summer comes, she does nothing. No job, refuses to hang out with anyone in our town (even though i have friends kids who are the same age a half mile away and she always got along with them) and basically just sits on her phone/tv all day. She stops doing her chores, stops cleaning up after herself, expects us to drive her to visit her 'other town' friends every day and when we agree to a sleepover - she decides she is going to stay at this or that friends house for a few days, or she goes back to her moms.
BF and I struggle with this - on one hand, we are happy for a break, as our relationship has not been the same since she moved it, but also... a 15 YO can't decide where and when and who's couch they are going to sleep on.
Then, the final grades come. She failed her freshman year of high school. All the keeping tabs on her homework and going through cycles of seeing the grade dip, getting on her & watching her do it, then trusting again, then seeing a dip again. It was exhausting and in the end, she failed anyway. I was so disappointed. But I was also angry that we now have to deal with Summer school and BF and I talk about her repeating the year in the new school. I was angry that all of the conversations about what and why we are doing this, and how important it is and the effort we needed from her to prove this was the right move to the courts and the complete life change.... they all were ignored.
Mom agrees to have her back for summer school. Great! Well, that lasts 3 days and we get a call to "Get her the F out of my house!". So, down we go and back we are to 4 hour commutes for the next month.
Few days later, she wants to go back to mom's for a visit. They end up in a huge fight again and down we go AGAIN to get her. We sit her down and say "No more." You can't just show up at mom's house whenever. From now on, there will be structured visitation schedule and you and mom need to abide by it (something that we totally messed up by not doing from the beginning). Couple days later, she goes back to moms after summer school, huge fight and we get another call.
I'm furious by this point. I mean WTH, Kid? WTH, Mom???
So, now, there is a punishment. She loses her phone and because we have heard from mom that Ann is posting some unsafe images of herself, we need access to her phone. (By this point I have unblocked mom for emergencies... but every friggin' thing is an emergency to mom)
Well, that is not happening. She yells at me, tries to hide her phone and say she'll give it tomorrow (so she can clean it off) and I stand firm. I take the phone from her... I'm not proud, but I actually ripped it out of her hand and screamed that she has no idea what we go through everyday for her and there are consequences for her actions. One of 3 times I have ever raised my voice to her since we met and I was ashamed of how I reacted.
I leave the room. She is WAILING like I just ran over the puppy with my car. She goes for a walk in the rain. Comes back and as soon she opens the door, I apologize for how it went down, but am going to stand firm in this conversation and she is not getting her phone back. No acknowledgement, she keeps walking past me and up to her room, while giving the 'death glare' at me the whole time. Fine. I go for a drive for a couple of hours.
Next morning, back to summer school chauffeur and she will barely speak to me.
She tells dad/BF her passcode to phone and 2 days later, I finally had a chance to sit down and review while he was on regular weekly visitation with all kids.
It's bad. I mean really bad.... 70% of what was on it was inappropriate. Images and videos of herself in various states of undress, stripteases, in the shower, messaged to complete strangers. She's 15 and this is child porn. Then calling them assholes for not responding. She's vaping. She's smoking pot (BF is in AA and focuses every day to keep his 6.5 years of sobriety), she has gone through my things, taken photos of herself wearing my clothes (which were never seen again), has gone through her dads things. THE VERY NEXT DAY AFTER SHE LOST HER PHONE, she went into our room, through her dad's stuff to get his old phone and was messaging some little shitbag who was DM'ing things that would make a porn star blush. Telling him she took dad's phone and hahahahaha he'll never know, the sucker. She has invited said little shitbag to MY HOUSE to have sex with her. Makes fun of dad & I like we are clueless and we are wrapped around her finger. She says she hates it here. I see the text with her mom where she starts off swearing at her for not picking her up and driving her where she wants.
Everything. Absolutely everything she told us was called into question and the trust was completely shattered. She is the instigator in the fights and she lied to us about so much.
I was FURIOUS. I called BF and I told him to go through her things and take the phone that she stole. Text him some screen shots of the conversation. Of course, don't send any of the photos... again, it's child porn. He is so mad, he says he is bringing her to mom's house for the night because he needs to calm down.
So, back and forth with mom, anger, finger pointing, harsh words and blame. But Ann is there and Ann is not coming back until she sits down with us for a serious conversation. It's the ONE AND ONLY stipulation we have. Ann refuses. Ann thinks she did nothing wrong and this is all my fault for going through her things.
Mom decides to send her to a camp. Asks us to pay $2700 for 2 weeks a what appears to me as a luxury f*ing vacation - a reward! Not a camp for trouble kids, like she needs. Fucking archery and nail art lessons for 2 weeks in upstate NY. BF eventually agrees to pay half, but I won't.
She doesn't last the 2 weeks. She hurts her knee and camp sends her home. She's walking just fine the very next day. Mom finds a 2 week intensive therapy for her that is about an hour from her house and from 9-3. Mom wants us to do the driving... that means drive down, get Ann, drive back through city traffic to get to work, change schedules again because we can't drop her off early or she won't go and can't leave her roaming around an unfamiliar place until we can get her after work. No. Absolutely No. Mom walks dogs for 2 hours a day for her job, but we have to potentially lose our 9-5's over more time off and schedule changes? Get bent.
She ends up going - mom, uncle and grandparents all do some of the driving. As you can tell - the driving is a bone of contention for me because mom has never and will never do any of it.
So, now, she is staying with mom. But wait - mom doesn't want her. She is still refusing to do a sit down with us, though Dad is still doing regular weekly visitation - she just can't come back here on the weekends until this happens. Grandparents rescind their offer to have her live with them (offered during court fight) because of this. Aunt and Uncle step up - then Aunt has some health problems and she is back at Mom's. Mom complains every week that we need to take her back for visitation at least so she can get a break and every week get's the response that Ann knows what she needs to do. Mom would go months without allowing Ann at her house while she lived with us, so I don't have too much sympathy for her 'needed time off'.
It's been 3.5 months and I am still the cause of all of her problems. The anger switched from mom to me. She did nothing wrong and doesn't have to talk about it, doesn't have to explain herself, doesn't have to face any consequences because it's none of my business. I'm not her step-mom and she doesn't care about me or what I think.
You little fucking bratty entitled shit. I am good enough to be your chauffeur, your maid, your bank machine, your chef and go to endless court dates to try to protect you from your 'horrible, terrible, psycho' mother.... but I am not good enough for a conversation??? You lied to us so many times. You brought drugs into my home. You created child porn in my home. You invited a horny little shit into my home to have sex with you (which, BTW was statutory because he is 17). You stole from me. You stole from your father. And you think this will get brushed under the rug & you have no responsibility for your actions?
Ann finally agrees to talk, then cancels 1 hour before. The fucking disappointment on BF's face was heartbreaking. This is his child and he will do anything for her, but he's going through hell not being able to have her for the weekend and torn between knowing that she needs to be held accountable and putting on the blinders that any parent can when it comes to their kid. He supports that she needs to do this before she can come back, but I end up feeling like a monster when I see the disappointment on his face when he says Ann's name.
But I'm done. I don't want her here for visitation. I don't want to walk on egg shells in my home and I don't want a relationship with her. She's spiteful, a liar and a thief and I don't trust anything she says or does. BF is so stressed, so hurt, so disappointed and she doesn't give a shit.
I feel like I moved mountains to give this kid a shot at a top 20 school in the state, a shot at a healthy non-toxic home and life. But now,... Even if Ann agrees to have the conversation, I will still be watching her like a hawk. I won't allow her to influence my nieces, nephews, friends children... I don't want them spending time with Ann.
I really don't know if she is a lost cause at 15, but I don't think I have it in me to spend more time and energy to find out.
Submitted October 27, 2018 at 07:19PM by theoriginalshabang1 https://ift.tt/2AvPtpY
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