No Tl;Dr, sorry and I apologize for the massive post I'm just desprite at this point.
From what I've read and heard almost everyone on this sub and others have heard a variant of 'I can change', but when is that not enough. I've been with my current SO for just about a year and a half. A little back story, I've had terrible commitment issues and havnt been the best girlfriend in passed relationships. I've made mistakes and ended things because I was afraid of committing. Was engaged to a great man and ended it after I made some painful and stupid decisions, hurting both of us in the end. Then I was with someone I considered the love of my life. We have a long history of dating off and on since we were in high school and again I couldn't commit. There is a ton of history with him and God I loved him so much. I was just afraid of getting hurt again. That's what it always came down to, I didn't want to feel that kind of pain again.
I pulled away and he noticed and became a little cold toward me and I used his new habits as reasons to leave even though they were my fault and I hurt him bad. I'm an asshole for it and I regret it and have since though that isn't what this is about.
I almost immediately started dating my current SO whom I work with and quickly found out he has anger issues. I should have backed out immediately but I've always prided myself on being understanding and patient but a year and a half later and I feel like my patience is all but gone.
Back story on him he was in a 7-relationshop that ended more than a year before we got together but their relationship was much the same as ours is I've learned from what he says about her and what he told me. she left him one day while he was gone which I could never imagine before. He was on drugs and things at the time but had become clean shortly prior to our relationship beginning.
I don't doubt that he is still clean because we live together now except pot which so many people do and it being legalized and all I don't hold it against him even though I don't personally like it, I have asthma and generally don't like the way it makes me feel but I don't care if others do it at all. Us living together is Another reason this is hard to handle.
The drugs messed him up emotionally as did other things. When I came into his life it was a absolute mess. He lived in part of a house his parents own, which is where we live now. There were cockroaches everywhere and more trash than should be allowed. Like hoarders but all garbage and cockroaches. And There were holes everywhere. Over the first 6-8 months of our relationship we cleaned up his house and he started staying with me during this period, I still lived with my grandpa. I had three cats and cherished them more than anything. He complained about not feeling comfortable being there and all kinds of things but he stayed and I kept helping clean. After all the big trash and most of the ruined furniture was out of the house and we got rid of the bugs he nearly stopped doing anything. I cleaned the walls, the concrete floors and move a lot of things by myself. I'm a germaphobe and this was massive for me because I can't stand terrible messes and I did so much alone going on to paint and patch small holes alone, to ripping up old filthy carpet alone. He always claimed since he has a very physical job he deserved to rest, still a reason he uses now to not help with things. Or when we aren't intimate for a long time. After scrubbing the whole house top to bottom we moved in together. He has absolute nothing to his name expect his Musical equipment, his musical talant is something he is very proud of yet doesn't put anything out there to get big and then complains about not being recognized. We moved in and I thought he'd be happy but he wasn't. He just got more and more bitter and angry. I never said anything because I've never been in very functional relationships and wasn't sure how it was supposed to be. I always thought we are supposed to be here for those we love and not give up on them. And with my history of giving up on relationships I vowed to stick this one out and never give up. I was going to break the cycle and finally get over my fear of commitment. And it sort of worked. I look forward to a long time relationship and marriage something that scared me before. And I've never thought I wanted children but my views are changing on that also. See more on that later**. But He gets upset at the smallest things and can't handle things that most people would barely get irritated at. He loses his keys or wallet and flips out and says how he is better than that and he isn't that stupid. He says stuff like "I guess if I can't find my keys I'll just quit my job" instead of finding a way to get a ride to work until he can find his keys or busting ass to get ready so he can ride with me. As I said we work together but I go to work an hour and a half before he does.
During the small fits which can happen every few days to every week or two he'll raise his voice and say absurd things like that, complain about music or his friends or my family. Or how he's better than everyone else and doesn't deserve this. That He's a 'good one' a very often repeated phrase when anything is wrong. "But I'm a good one". Even at small things like putting the toilet paper on the actual holder or cleaning the sink after shaving daily. Normal things. He's claimed that there is an evil in him that he just can't always silence and that when he gets upset he can't control it. Not like a demon but like a different him almost. Obviously I don't believe that there is something in him that makes it unable to be controlled but more that he just doesn't try enough to control it. In his big fits which happen every couple months or so he'll punch stuff and knock stuff around and scream things as loud as he can. Sometimes aimed toward me. He's called me stupid and other things, the latest he called me a child because I disagreed with him. I didn't even disagree with him he just didn't care to listen to my opinion. He has very Stern views on music because of his talent and has made it so I can't even listen to the music I like without fearing one of his moods or even worse a argument. He says because he's so talented his opinion is truth and he should be listened to like it is Devine gospel. But I can't even watch most TV because of his views on what is smut, he even gets upset at some of my books I own. Nothing too scandalous either the worst being American horror story with all the nudity, he threw a massive fit about that and said why does he even love me when we don't have anything in common and how he won't stand to have people around him that watch that junk. He always claims that people watch or read things because they fantasize about the people in it or wish the characters/actors were their husband/bf instead. He doesn't care when I say that isn't how most people are and I definitely am not like that. He just goes on. I feel like I can't even be me and that he doesn't even like who I really am. That I've lost my personality over the last year and a half and that I give and give and give and never get anything back. I feel like we don't even have anything in common. He makes me feel like I'm a jerk when I confront him and every single time I have I end up consoling him and making sure he's okay and his feelings aren't hurt and the issue ends up dropped. He complains that a few days after his explosions I have to talk about it because something he's said upset me. When he blows up he mocks my feelings saying things like "oh my feelings got hurt" comparing it saying things that insinuate it isn't as bad as someone hitting you.
But He'll change for a little while and things seem better but then he'll get angry over small things again and then eventually have a massive freak out. Over nothing and always insulting me. He's threatened me before too which I told him I absolutely wouldn't deal with. I was never afraid of him before really but lately Im getting more and more nervous when he gets angry. I've even taken to recording his tirades when I can or when I remember before my emotions get the best of me. The first time he threatened me he said he would damage my car if I tried to leave, I was on my way to work and he was supposed to ride with me but the whole time just degrading me and putting me down, yelling at me and I went to leave and he said it. The second time he threatened himself. He was drunk and putting me down really bad and I said I was going to leave and come back the next day so we could talk and he said If I left he would set the house on fire and go to bed and he was so drunk he wouldn't wake up. The last time was last weekend. I honestly can't even remember was I said exactly because it shocked me so badly but he put his hands up as he was growling something vile out toward me and I flinched and said 'don't touch me' and he said something like "unless you want someone in your family to die then you won't leave" something to that effect. It shook me so much that I couldn't even reply for like 10 minutes. All while he was still going on and on.
It's stupid because if it was anyone else I know exactly what I'd tell them but he made me change my ideas on the world. ** I sort of can imagine having kids now since I'm handling the fear of commitment but when I think about having kids with him my stomach turns. He'd be such a good dad when he's happy but i wouldn't want them to learn anything he does when hes upset or to grow up being terrified of their father and not respecting their mother. He's in martial arts now and says he had to do that because I emasculate him. Which doesn't make sense from anything I've ever done and he talks about killing people sometimes when he's upset and then preaches about not killing bugs and things because life is important, but he's talked about how he understands why people shoot up movie theaters and concerts. Or he talks about beating people up if they don't agree with him on something. if they 'disrespect him' in his eyes. Almost like a teenager but We're in our late twenties.
I am strictly against violence and that is absolutely nothing I want to teach my future children if I have any. Period.
He brings up my ex all the time asking why I left him or saying I should just go back to him. Knowing it's a sore spot still. He puts down all of my past and even makes me feel weak for my self harm past or like I didn't really have it bad at all. Not compared to him. He always compares his bad times to everyone else's, like theirs doesn't matter because it wasn't as bad as his. He won't listen when I said that everyone is different. He has been doing better and they have gotten less frequent but they are still seriously bad when they happen. I lost one of my cats last new years and he was more concerned with how it affected him emotionally than trying to be there for me. My cat of 7 years died and he was more concerned with how it hurt him a cat he barely knew for 7 months, he wasn't even there for me emotionally at all.
And one of my two cats left was an outside cat. She was barely two years old and didn't understand cars yet only having been outside for a few months and would run to greet us as we were driving up when we got home from work. And just a month or so ago I was inside making dinner when he got home and he told me what happened. She came out like normal and while I knew the way you had to handle it was keep rolling slowly and she'd keep moving, Otherwise she'd stop and you'd have to get out and shoo her away but he didn't and he tried to scare her by revving the engine and moving forward and she didn't understand. He ran her over and she died before we could find her alone and confused. I bawled to my grandpa about it and how I could never forgive him and I know he feels terrible about it but his god damn impatience cost my cat her life. I almost ended it then. Honestly I think it was one of the final nails on the coffin. It opened my eyes to who he is and how he treats things. It's sort of like those guys you see who say they are good guys and good guys finish last bull shit but are jerks to people. God it's exactly like that. Another one of our issues does stem from his pot addiction, and yes it is an addiction, he's even admitted that. I've wracked up $150 debt to my grandpa and maxed my credit card and am always broke because he is constantly borrowing money either to get more or because he needs gas or food and spent all his money on pot. I've never owed my grandpa money before we got together and I've already borrowed and payed back probably close to $200 just for that. And I can't tell my grandpa the truth or he'd dislike my bf so I have to lie to the person who raised me who I love the most in the world. It's sickening, he also borrows money from his parents for the same reasons as well.
We have good times too obviously that is why I'm writing this because there are so many good times that it's hard to know what to do just because of the bad times. We've both grown as people and I've figured so much out about myself while with him and I do absolutely love him. We've even planned on buying the house were in from his parents because we do love each other, So so much it hurts to even think about leaving. He's perfect for me when he's in a good mood but it takes absolutely nothing to set him off. I was going to end it two weeks ago after a particularly bad couple weeks.
I made the decision the Monday after his Sunday birthday, he threw a fit all weekend and made his birthday a bad day and the day before. He always seems to make celebration days/ holidays bad or negative by his fits. And the next weekend I messaged his mom, she had helped me a lot in the past about what to do and how to handle it. Going so far as saying she understands if I need to leave that everyone has their breaking point. And I texted her telling her about it and how I reached mine and she kept saying how he's been talking us up and how we've been so happy and I doubted myself. Because it was true, we were having more good times. Going running together and going to the woods most weekends. Having a good life when he was happy, Maybe I was overreacting and being emotional. I have a history with being unstable and self harm and With anxiety I was prone to do that once in a while but I have gotten a handle on it so great lately that I never just have a meltdown without weeks of his bad moods, I've had to handle it alone because I didn't have support anymore. I'm starting to think my few meltdowns weren't meltdowns at all but me telling myself the truth. He's always just talked me back into it.
So I told her I would think about it and see what happened and one of the last things she said was "he'll be lost without you" which immediately made me reconsider because one of my biggest fears is he'll quit his job and go back to living in that pig sty way he was before, Trash and roaches and never caring about himself. I love him and don't want that to happen. He's doing so well bettering himself and as I've said even getting a little better with the anger which is where the title comes in, when can someone changing be enough. Should I stay and hope it continues getting better until one day it is so infrequent or nonexistent and just a bad memory? Should I stick it out because I love him or is that not enough in this scenario. Is it like what everyone says, he'll never really change? Because he has so much already that I'm afraid I'll leave and he'll change and I've missed out on someone I love dearly and who loves me, repeating the mistakes I've made in the past.
I had been handling my suicidal and depressive thoughts so well before but sometimes I feel like the only way I can get out of this relationship is dying. I don't want to feel those things ever again and it scares me when I do. It terrifies me because when I'm in that dark place I feel like my grandpa is the only thing keeping me secured in this world and if I'm still in this relationship and having those thoughts when he dies then I don't know how I'd be able to pull myself out of that place.
I'm also afraid of never finding someone good, that I'll always be alone or with someone worse off. But that might not matter here. Alone might be better than this now.
My last issue is I don't know how to leave, I've never lived away from home before and I'm fairly certain my grandpa would take me back but it is so embarrassing. Which isn't a reason to stay but how do I leave without changing my mind when he cries. Or when he begs. I do love him but if I leave then how do I do it? How do I go to work everyday and see him be sad. Have to engage with him without crying myself. Without going back, how do I keep work professional, I've even thought of transferring departments just so I could have a clean break. I also fear what he could do if he got angry enough at me leaving...
Edit: new to redit, trying to do line breaks. Face palm.
Submitted November 01, 2018 at 05:32AM by NeKoel512 https://ift.tt/2qnIOIq
