Life has been long and crazy, I’m 27 now and still I have no answers, no apologies or justifications we are just carrying on as this strange family dynamic.
Mother what happened on your hen night when you slept with my Dads brother using the excuse it was the first time you were ever drunk. Do you know what happened after was because of this? Dad beat his brother to an inch of his life, his only rock of stability in a life of parental emotional and physical abuse. He soon got into drugs and overdosed and died. Why did you confess years after? Yes I know it takes two to tango but still... Why wait until all 3 of us are born? So we lose our dad before we even drew breath... Sometimes we didn’t see him for months at a time and often he was angry, we got hit for small offences, the only way he knew to express himself. Yes we did have fun, but we were scared of him, we sat through hundreds of shouted arguments between him and his girlfriend about how much she hated us. He made my brother cut the grass in the garden with scissors because we dropped his guitar, he was crying hard.
Mother why did you marry that man? He alienated you, was emotionally abusive, acted like a child when we beat him at games. We didn’t realise how bad he was until we were older. In the year 2000 you had my little brother, he broke his thigh, 7 ribs and other fractures. We were blamed for it, we were psych analysed I was 9. I remember that Christmas, assembling my Lego transformer and losing bits of it in the hospital. Why did the social services take him away for a year? I still remember your cry and scream ‘you can’t take my baby’ Thank the heavens our aunt took him in. I feigned illness fortnightly so I could travel the 30 miles to see him.
Now mum, over time you have become agoraphobic. Not once did you come to my school reports. I walked to school with my siblings without you while we saw families going together. How do think that made us feel? Why didn’t you love us like the other parents, we couldn’t understand at such a young age. Now you can’t walk 100m down the street. You have wasted 18 years of your life.
You made us walk our abusive autistic brother to school before we went. Do you have any idea how much we got in trouble for being late everyday? How many questions I got asked for why I always had fresh nail scratches on my face? Why do you think I stopped wanting to go, why I got addicted to computer games and stayed up all night playing, why I mixed milk and orange juice to look like sick so I got to stay home. Worst of all you’re now a slave to this giant angry abusive autistic child from your ex husband.
As a teenager I started to self harm after dating a girl who was covered in them, I wanted to help but ended up an addict. My upper arms are covered to deep scars. When I told you, you were really mad at me for being an idiot and shouted at me. Dad when I told you, you told me I was disgusting. Even now, my good friends know nothing of my past or arms. I always wear long sleeves and as you know I’m an attractive and confident man now, no one thinks anything of it.
Because of all this parents... I dropped out of school, not because of you, I got off my feet went back got 5 GCSEs an a level and a degree in the arts. You didn’t help me there either, just wanted things from me. The first of our family to get a degree and neither of you asked when my graduation was, I didn’t go. Why would I go alone.
I’m currently doing a job that I love and I bring joy to many adult, parents and their children but doesn’t pay well, my dream was and still is to teach young people and I’m going to do all in my power to get that 1 gcse is science so I can fulfil my dream and hopefully help a child who could benefit from the journey I have had.
Sometimes mum I think of the life that I could of had, like other kids who grew up around me.
I know you did what you could when you could, I still love you and always will.
But when I have kids I will do better.
- your son
Submitted September 22, 2018 at 06:12AM by hiphopopotamism https://ift.tt/2zn3mGa
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