The following story was written by Kyle over at 4chan's /tg/ board on 10-06-2014.
Humanity was the laughing stock of the Universe.
They were short, ugly, unimpressive creatures. Gestation periods too long to be a swarming menace of sheer numbers. No razor claws, armoured shells, or horrible poisons, even their intellects (the things they themselves prized over all else) were merely average in the grand scheme of races. Nothing they made could come close to the technological brilliance of the Qurt-Uthla, the efficency of a TurTrrthr or the beauty of Abfyuri.
So we, the collective galactic community, simply laughed at them. We gave them the basic communication devices all races receive when they become post-FTL, and left them to their own devices. We gave them the standard warnings, not to fuck with other post-FTL races, or we will annihilate them. They shrugged, mumbled something about "MAD", whatever that is, and continued on their merry little way.
So they grew, and thrived. Their little galactic empire expanded outward more than any other race. We didn't care. An unlimited universe means more than enough room for every race. Soon they would be bored, like every other race, and begin their great project. They would find one niche, and carve it beyond any other race. Just like every other race before them. If we had bothered to read the history of this sophomoric and frankly, substandard race, we would have wiped them out before they could get out of the Sol System.
No other race had the concept of "tenacity". While other races were so efficient, they had never encountered resistance, even on their own planets, humans did not. While every other race saw their native environment as a plaything from the word "go", humans had struggled since coming down from the trees they used to call home. The one thing humans had over anything else, was they never, ever gave up. They would run after their prey, never catching it. Until that is, their prey laid down and died from exhaustion.
While every other race saw virtue in nothing else but ease of life, human mythologies universally condemn hedonism. Excess pleasure was a sign of weakness, paradoxically. Their heroes, the archetypes that thrived from the first intelligible sound from their throats until now has been those who seek challenge far beyond their abilities.
The lone human standing against entire armies, against fantastical creatures, against another human who has been corrupted by that dreaded efficiency and now holds powers meant for Gods. Their religions all masturbating over how powerless and helpless they are against a being beyond their comprehension. Their horror-stories not focused around losing their power (like every other, sensible race) but set up against an enemy that is even more tenacious than themselves.
Their "Jay-Suns" and "Van Pyres" are simply humans without limits. While other races' media showed how much better they would be than the yet to be discovered alien life forms, humans continue to portray themselves and weak, snivelling creatures who only won by the last bullet in their gun, or else by the fact they lasted a few seconds longer.
After studying their works of art for years, I asked a human why this was. He looked at me, gave me a look my sensor told me was condescension and simply said "If we win right away, there isn't any tension". I asked if he would not prefer my lightning-reflexes, or perhaps massive claws. He laughed. "Power corrupts", is what he told me.
So foolish were we, content to sit upon our mountains, that when we first encountered THEM, we were shocked. It was like an opposing universe alliance. One built on conquest and rage. The complete counterpart to our guarded but peaceful community. Their fangs were just a little bit sharper, their brains a little bit better. Their muscles a little bit stronger. We were now the weaker side, outmatched in every way. We had no idea what to do. It was called the 20 second war, because that's how long it took for our generals to decide that fighting was useless, and that we would be destroyed either way. We might as well enjoy our last few minutes.
This baffled the humans. While we gorged ourselves on the finest foods, they prepared. While the races in our council went extinct one after another. Humanity scavenged the enemy ships who were accidentally hit by friendly fire. While we fled our planets, retreating further and further so we could live in excess a little longer, they entrenched themselves into a line.
Humans took the weapons we had devised when we needed to keep up with our neighbours. Only one really had any impact on THEM. The humans called it "An EMP on steroids". All technology was rendered useless except for the most primitive of kinetic weapons. The only problem no one could really fix about it, was that it hit friendlies as well. It wiped us all back to the primitive, pre-FTL ages, in such a state we stood even less of a chance.
The humans didn't care. The massive beasts of Yurrsothoh XI shredded their front lines, while they pelted their armour hides with metal slugs. While their generals were always at a disadvantage due to worse military engagements, the humans made sure every acre of land was fought for tooth and nail. Every single last human fought past any reasonable member of another race would. The last cry of every human commander was "hold the goddamned line". Humans in the number of untold trillions sacrificed themselves in what they would later describe as "routine acts of war heroism". Eventually though, the enemy slowly crept forward over their home worlds.
Eventually, the pushed all the way back to the human capital world. The last planet belonging to the humans that could put up any fight. Earth. We had all long retreated back, but watched the transmission with fascination. The cold metallic voice of the translator rang out in the capital of Earth. Addressing the last bastion of hope for humanity.
"HUMANS. YOU HAVE PROVEN YOUR WORTH TO US. LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND ACCEPT YOUR PLACE AS OUR SERVANTS. YOUR COURAGE IS ADEQUATE."
There was a long silence in the human capital. We all awaited their response. The losses on both sides had been massive. The humans, for all their faults, had managed to wipe out over half the races that had made up the enemy. They had earned their place. I would be lying if I said we all weren't jealous, furious that this race of bald monkey people had been deemed worthy, but not us.
The radio transmission crackled back to life, broadcasting their reply:
"NO. WE FIND YOUR COURAGE LACKING"
Then, the lines went dark. Instead of the dying hum of the "EMP on steroids", there was a sudden burst. The humans had blown up Earth. Their crown world. Their paradise. They would not bend knee. An explosion so massive and unexpected that only the humans who survived were those that occupied small colonies far beyond our own retreat line.
Even we, as far back as we were, felt the scorch of this explosion. This massive release of energy wiped out the last of the enemy, but humans had paid a sacrifice far greater than any we could have fathomed. Their entire galactic history, now reduced to a few scant colonies.
Yet, on their communication lines, they were cheering.
"It worked! It worked"
"We killed them all!
We were dumbfounded. Billions, trillions of colonies beyond the reaches of space we had bothered to look. They all lit up like a shower of sparks. All previously dark, under strict orders never to use detectable technology until they were sure of the enemies defeat. They carved their niche. They were a phoenix. Something with endurance beyond what we anticipated.
A comm request came through to the high-king. We opened the line. He spoke in our universal tongue.
"I am the leader of the United Space Colonies of Humanity. In the 23 minutes it took for you to realise what happened to our home, we have evaluted you."
The high king simply had no words.
"These are the niches of man. Whereas you are content to live your short, insipid lives. We will become greater"
The broadcast inspired fear in our people. Was the enemy of the enemy really our friend?
"Yes, we have evaluted you. Those who are smarter, those who are stronger. We find you lacking."
We braced for the decleration of war.
"We would wipe out your cowardly asses with them, but frankly, you don't present enough of a challenge for us."
Humans were the laughing stock of the Universe. Once.
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Submitted September 29, 2018 at 12:53AM by Prohibitorum https://ift.tt/2QfKb6Q
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