( First time making a post on reddit after being a lurker for a few months so pre preemptive appology for odd formatting)
So my whole family dynamic is really messed up. My parents were very negligent growing up, to the point that I would have to beg other students in elementary school for food and they never taught me how to look after my hygiene properly (learned that now obviously) so I got bullied for it. My dad was physically abusive to both me and my elder sisters (im the youngest in my family out of 3 girls) and my mom just didnt care about anything and was/is very emotionally abusive herself. I wish it was just my parents though because its also my sisters. Right now everybody lives together and my eldest sister is moving out in two weeks and I want to do the same in a few months. I want to be as clear as possible so im just going to break down the specifics per person.
Mom (55F): Very emotionally negligent, she only cares about the image of the family and not about what is actually going on.
Between the ages of 4-11 I would get sick every winter for about 2-3 months (violent vomiting, heat flashes, cold flashes, nose bleeds etc) and she would never take me to the hospital even though she is a nurse and she should understand how important it is for a small child to seek medical care. We also live in Canada so finances were not an issue in this regard. She also never registered my birth so when I turned 13 I had to register my own birth and get my own birth certificate and passport. It was a 2 year process that was very stressful and I would have panic attacks about it all the time and she would just call me dramatic. Because of this the first time I ever left the country I was 18 years old. That might sound young to a lot of people but in Ontario most people have left the country at least once by the time they are 12 for a family trip or something. She would also over sexualize me ever since I was 6 years and call me a slut and a whore for showing my shoulders etc. I remember asking her why she never called me smart and only called me pretty and she got upset about it and said that im smart too but it sounded like she was lying and upset she got caught or something. Because of this when going through puberty and developing breasts I remember wanting to cut my breasts off and crying about how much I wanted to do that. I would try pulling at them to 'take them off' (i was like 8-10 it was childhood ignorance lol) so I wouldnt be seen as sexual or as a slut. When I was being bullied in middle school she sided with the people bullying me (people would call me the N word, hit me etc) and wouldnt let me switch schools. I skipped 86/167ish classes in grd 8 because of it. The only time she expressed being proud of me is when I graduated highschool a year early but that was because she could brag about it her sister. Recently I was telling her how I think I should see a therapist and she said "dont make yourself mentally ill" She is a mental health nurse and has been for over a decade now so she should know how to handle that conversation better than any other kind of parent but she doesnt. She was/is also very passive aggressive to everyone and speaks to my dad like he is a dumbass/ like she doesnt even love him. I have never seen my dad do anything specifically to her (nor have my sisters) to warrant that kind of verbal abuse. He is an immigrant from the carribean so a lot of cultural things he doesn't understand but she never gives him the patience he needs. It was to the point that ever since I was 8 I would always defend my dad because he looked like he wanted to burst into tears everytime she spoke to him like that and she would accuse me of 'always being on his side' when actually I just knew that what she was doing wasnt right.
Dad (61M): Physically and emotionally abusive.
Because of how my mum would/does treat my dad, I always had a little bit more patience for him then for her. He was also a stay at home dad for a lot of my childhood because he is visually impaired and doesnt have a university/college education. When he was a stay at home dad,he would beat me and my sisters over stupid stuff. For example my sisters were playing around the tv and long story short they knocked it over but didnt break it. Instead of seeing if they were okay he started beating them and made them sleep on the bed frame without a mattress (my sisters brought the mattresses down stairs to watch TV) My eldest sister wet herself on the bed frame because she was so scarred of dying. My sisters were 9 and 5 at the time. Another time my middle sister used the phone and didnt put it back to charge and my dad thought my eldest sister used it and beat her for it because the battery was low. My sisters tell me that when I was 3-4 he dragged me up the stairs by my hair but they dont remember why. Whenever any of us try and talk to him about this he just says that he doesnt remember any of it. Specifically with me I was skipping school a lot in middle school and he threatened to take me out of my martial arts classes (it was the only thing I considered important at the time and they were and still are like a second family to me) I ran to the dojo to talk to them first before he could and the head teacher called him and sorted everything out thankfully. That happened only 5-6 years ago and was a really big deal (i took a bunch of my clothes and whatever money I had and was planning on running away that day) and when I tried to talk to him about it recently he said I was lying and that that never happened. When I threatened to call the head teacher to remind my dad he got all moppy and shit. I always have to explain to him why his actions are wrong and he has the attitude of a child. Both my parents do really. A few weeks ago he was yelling at me about how he wants to get a divorce from my mom and sell the house and just leave. I think the sad look on my face made him realize that that was a dumb idea.
The main thing with my parents is that they dont know how to take accountability for their own lives and they take it out on me and my sisters. They both had/ have so much potential to better themselves (not an excuse but still) but they have given up on themselves and put pressure on me and my sisters to be perfect instead of putting pressure on themselves to improve
Eldest Sister (27F): Physically Abusive/Sexually Abusive/ Emotionally Abusive
My eldest sister got the worst of the physical abuse from my dad and I guess because of this she learned to solve her issues with being physically abusive as well. She cares about tv/movies and music a lot because she used it as her escape, and I will never forget one time when I was 4 years old I spoiled her on the ending of a show she was watching (i obviously didnt know it was a spoiler but I had watched the episode earlier with my dad, I asked "isnt that characther dead?" and he dies at the end of the show but we were only in the middle) and she took the remote for the tv and hit me several times with it. Another time when I was 11 there was a video I didnt want to watch and she sat on top of me and forced me to watch it, she was holding my arms down and cut my wrists with her nails that I had a scar from it for years after. She isnt physically abusive at all today though but I still remember what she did. According to my middle sister, she would force her to perform oral sex on her (the eldest would force the middle sister) and that went on for a while (my middle sister says like a year or something before my mom found out but my mom didnt do anything about it) My worst memory and biggest trauma to date is when my eldest sister forced my middle sister to molest me when I was 4 years old. At the time I knew it was wrong and wanted to tell a teacher at school about it, but instead I just told a lie and didnt say anything about it. Because of this I lie all the time in IRL social situations (im not sure exactly why, like the psychological reason why) I can only be honest on the internet because I have time to think about what Im going to say etc Also for years I didnt know that my eldest sister made her do that so I always blamed my middle sister, but my middle sister would never do that on her own volition and I knew that deep down which is what made it more confusing and upsetting. My eldest sister would also call me stupid all the time, like every single day to the point that I thought I would struggle in class and getting assignments done because I believe it so much. So her and my mom always calling me stupid obviously didnt help with my self esteem much. In the present time she violently resents and hates my parents for everything they have done but im too scarred to remind her of all the things she has done to me. She is always talking about how she is trying so hard not to kill herself (and she has been in the mental ward at a hospital before so I know that she is legit mentally ill and that is a actual risk for her) but I can never be honest with her about my life because if I say the wrong thing im scarred she will kill herself. Last year my favorite singer of all time unfortunately committed suicide and every time it is brought up she makes it about herself. She never listened to that singer until after he died even though I would try and bond with her over his music but she just ignored me. His death affected me so much that I didnt eat for 3 weeks and only slept and cried, so her sudden interest in him is disgusting to me.
Middle Sister (23F): Hard to call her abusive but she is hard to handle
The middle sister I have the most patience for because we grew up being the closest as we shared a room and are closest in age. We also went to the same school for a few years so we were around each in and outside of the house. She went through an extremely abusive relationship in highschool and has ptsd because of it. Because of this situation she blames our parents and some extended family for it, which is fair in some regards but she says that she has homicidal thoughts about harming my dad and thats hard to hear obviously. She does tend to over exaggerate situations (everything she said about the relationship in highschool was true 100% though) like how strangers react to her and she has a terrible time controlling her emotions. She has a pattern of not recognizing when someone is bad for her or is trying to hurt her meaning she is in bad relationship after bad relationship and its so hard to see her go through that, especially when she knows this too but wont do anything to prevent those situations. I'm still a little upset about the molestation situation because she was 8 at the time that it happened and should have known better, but she was being abused herself so I understand the effects that could have on someone, but its holding me back in my own relationships. I'm 19 and still have never dated anyone or even held a guys hand. She will randomly get angry at me and lash out at me for still talking to my parents but I can never say that I have equal reason not to talk to my parents as I do with her and my eldest sister cause she would probably actually kill me or hurt herself. She also likes to break things and cant take care of her personal belongings or her finances and it makes me so worried for her because she is caught up on the idea that getting married will make her happy etc. The stress about her life is what is most hurtful to me, but I wouldnt exactly call it abuse. idk.
The main thing with her and my eldest sister is that they base their entire identities around the abuse that our parents did and they dont realize how much holding on is harming themselves. I just want them to live fulfilling content lives and not waste so much of their time thinking about and hating my parents. They joke about dancing and spitting on my parents graves when they pass away...that also hurts a lot to hear.
Me (19F):
To be honest im not on any particular persons side in my family as they have all done fucked up things to me and each other. I just want each side to lead their own lives and to move on from this whole long situation including myself. Im terrible at keeping friends around or choosing friends and I also have a bad habit of planning big goals and not finishing them or getting close because of the lack of support and my own self sabotage.
How did people who dont have support in their lives from siblings or parents establish themselves comfortably without cutting everybody off? Should I just have 1 on 1 interaction with each person and not bring up anybody else? Should I cut everybody off and continue living my own life? They are all still my family and I want to have contact with them but the dynamic is sisters vs parents and then I'm left out and am seen neutrally by everybody ( i guess since I am the youngest) I feel emotionally lost on how to handle everybody and am planning on moving out of the city so I dont have to deal with everything. I dont have any friends I can turn to about this as none of them understand and the people at the martial arts school have their own lives and it would be inappropriate to talk to them about it.
I guess I just needed a place to rant since I dont get to talk to anybody about this...im not sure about anything anymore.
TLDR: My parents hate my sisters (yeah yeah) and my sisters hate my parents (yeah yeah) , im stuck in the middle (yeah yeah) feels too high to get over (had to make a joke after this long rant, hopefully someone knows what song im referencing lol)
Edited to make it easier to read i dont know how to fix the title sorry ;-;
Submitted September 17, 2018 at 04:31AM by Lorelei1999 https://ift.tt/2QCywjI
No comments:
Post a Comment