What is wrong with me?

I am a m(15) and I struggle with thoughts of suicide and homicide. I don’t know if this is the correct subreddit to post this in as this is my first post ever on reddit. I’m going to give you guys some background and I just want to put my story out there to people who want to hear it. First here is some extra information, I come from a below poverty household, living of government programs and selling pills, ever since I was 9 or 8 until I was 11 my sister (3y older than me) raped me/we engaged in incest and I have a lot of regret/guilt about this, my father has bipolar and has been in jail since I was 17 months old, and my grandfather passed when I was 8 and I haven’t really ever had a male parent, and my great-grandmother whom I was very close to and loved dearly has Alzheimer’s and has gotten much worse over the past couple years; she doesn’t remember who I am anymore. I’ve struggled with what I guess is depression off and on since I was about ten, anytime a major change would happen it would always be there. When I was ten I spent the summer at my uncle’s in Florida, I really enjoyed it there but my family guilt tripped me into coming back home (in South Carolina). When I came back home everyone seemed to act differently, this was probably my mind tricking me though. It seemed like they didn’t see me as their family anymore. I was stuck in the mindset I was the least favorite child/sibling, I still think this and it hurts me so much. My brother is probably on the autism spectrum, my mother has tried for years to get him diagnosed but has found no doctors that take the time. So during this period I didn’t really enjoy everyday things anymore, I never really spoke to my friends out of school and was always severely bored. I don’t really know how I got out of this but it was around my 11th birthday when I smoked weed for the first time. I was always a bad kid in school and I got suspended every other week in elementary school, this was further pushed by my rural small town I live in, once you do something in school every student and teacher knows and you get a reputation that you can’t break. My brother and sister have mood disorders and are very anti-social and because of our school their crazy reputation attached itself to me. They both get bullied severely and have very little friends, so I had to fight their rep to change mine. So I became the bad kid class clown who was outgoing, but also a bully. I picked on the less popular kids and made fun of my own siblings. I made friends who didn’t fit my real personality and didn’t know me for me. I became really close to one friend and he was the second person whose house I went to outside of family. Me and him got so close we were like brothers. And then one day in sixth grade a new kid showed up (he was white like me and my friend, we all went to a mostly black school, this is important as it’s very hard for whites to make friends as most of the kids think we are all racist and hate us) so my friend starts talking to him and they become friends. Fast forward a bit and it’s my friend’s brother’s birthday party, the not so new kid is here (from now on he will be referred to as B and my friend will be A) as an insomniac when the party was over, me and B were staying the night, I couldn’t sleep and me and B got to know each other over an all nighter and video games. The next morning B invites me and A to his sister’s (N) birthday party in a couple months. Fast forward again and me and A go to the party, N is a little under a year younger than me, A, and B. Me and A didn’t really ever have relationships, me more so than A, so made jokes about dating (and doing stuff as birthday gifts with N), but both of our eyes were actually on her sister (C), she was slightly younger than N but since N was adopted they weren’t even nine months apart, she is 14 months younger than me. As an unconfident self conscious kid I let A begin to date C. Every weekend after the birthday party me and A went to see C, until one weekend when I couldn’t make it. So the next week on the bus to and from school C and B kept inviting me for the weekend, so on Friday I ride the bus home with them and stay the weekend at their house. A was not able to come this weekend so I didn’t have C’s boyfriend to stop me, sadly C left to go to her grandma’s and I spent the day with N and B. Then that night everyone went to bed (my memory is kinda bad but for some reason my sister was there with me and B had a crush on her) I would’ve gone to bed in B’s room but him and my sister went there together, and I went to N’s room, me and N cuddled and laid there when B walked into the room to ask me if he could kiss my sister I said I didn’t care and went to sleep next to N. The next morning C came home and was acting weird, I’m very good at reading body language and guessed she was jealous of N and mad at me, I was right but she was A’s girl and I couldn’t do that to him. So I had a dilemma in my mind, date N and settle for the less pretty sister or steal C from A. Later that night I was talking to C and she told me she had broken up with A before and so I was like well then there’s nothing wrong with us and slept in her bed that night (still a dick move but I was young). I get home and tell myself to keep what happened that weekend a secret. The next day I go to school and sit down in the back of the class next to A. “Hey I heard you went to B’s house.” I tried to keep it to myself couldn’t help but to tell him as I was happy about myself and felt so lucky. So I told him I slept with C and described in detail the cuddling we did. A got mad but I told him since they broke up it shouldn’t matter but he showed me the break up text and it was from Sunday morning, after that night. He was so mad at me he told some other people and the rumor was that I had sex with A’s girl and that C was a hoe, and small town rumors spread fast, really fast. Later that day C’s mom is pissed at me, A hates me and C doesn’t want to talk to me. My mom heard and yelled at me for being so stupid, she said cps would come get me. The thought of everyone being so mad at me destroyed me, I didn’t leave the bathroom that night and slept on the floor. For a couple weeks A didn’t want to be friends and C pretended I didn’t exist. B still talked to me but his mom didn’t want him to. After awhile me and A grew closer and him and B grew further. Apparently him and C started dating again and had this on and off again relationship for awhile. Eventually B, C, and N moved and didn’t have a way or a want to talk to me. from the day when the rumors started until a year later I was filled with self hatred and sadness, this was my first experience with what could be considered self harm, I would fill the bathtub up with ice water and force myself to stay in it. Several times I attempted to drown myself in the same bathtub but always jerked out of the water. This went on for a very long time, until I was about twelve, I started spending more time with A and tried weed again. I could never get C out of my head though. Fast forward again, on August 29th 2017 my brother was hit by a truck going about 40mph while he was walking. I was in my mom’s room watching tv with her when my sister ran in and yelled he was hurt, our neighbor was with her attempting to cheer her up and started talking to my mom. We ran to the road to see my brother laying there in shock, trying to breathe with a collapsed lung, having a seizure and with a broken femur that was so bad his leg was bent. When we got there the driver was crying and the passenger was on the phone with 911, my mother got on her knees in the road next to him and kept telling him it’ll be ok while crying. My grandma was in the house but we didn’t want to tell her until my brother was on his way to the hospital. My mother called her friends and family and told them before telling her mother, she got a ride to the hospital set up and an ambulance came and they put my brother on a stretcher and drove him to a main highway where a helicopter flew him to the Columbia hospital, we told my grandma and we all ended up at the hospital with my grandma’s sisters and so much family, we slept in the hospital waiting room that night. My brother was in a coma for over a month. Before he was injured me, him and our sister were going to see our dad for the first time I could remember. My dad’s sisters were going to fly from Arizona and go see him with us (my mom really didn’t want to see him as he is in prison for helping murder her brother). I felt so bad as my dad was excited to see us that I couldn’t not go, and I think my sister decided to go to just because of me. Me and my sister went and got state ID’s so we could go. And on the day where I met my dad I sat down with him and played monopoly, we took pictures, and hugged each other. It was kind of lackluster but I don’t know what I was expecting. Me, my mom and my sister we’re all staying at the Ronald McDonald House when my aunts said they would take my sister to Arizona with them (she was very stressed and couldn’t take it anymore). I was upset because I was supposed to go to Arizona before all of this happened and felt that my mom let my sister go because she would rather give her what she wants. So I stayed with my mom at the Ronald McDonald House until my aunt payed for a plane ticket for me and I flew for the first time, to Arizona. When I landed my aunt I had just met a few months prior was waiting for me, and my sister and cousin I had met when I met her mom were at the luggage area. I was very nervous as I don’t know what to say to people I don’t know and car rides make me silent. My other cousin had really wanted to meet me for awhile so we stopped at my other aunts house for me to see him, and for my sister to get her clothes (she was bounced between our aunts’ houses) we knocked on the door and my other cousin answered it, she remembered me but I didn’t remember her, I was three the last time I saw her. (To make things less confusing I’ll refer to the aunt I lived with as H the other aunt as J my male cousin my age as D the daughter of H as F D’s sister as G F’s oldest brother as K her other brother as L and their dad as M) Fast forward some, I really love it in Arizona, I get to know my cousins and aunts and uncle. Me and F become like brother and sister, and me and D become even closer. I start school again later in October, around the 20th. After missing so much school I really don’t like it (I have never liked school though). I don’t have any friends and don’t know anybody. This upsets me as I’m very social but too anxious to meet new people. So I follow my cousins around during breakfast and lunch, I had a class with D so I’m at least one of my classes I had a friend. During breakfast at first I would stand alone under the stairs. In gym class there was some boys who acted like the kids from my old school so I knew how to act around them. And after fifth period I would walk with G to get lunch and then eat with her and sit with her friends, later in the year though I spent more time with F, I would stay with her during breakfast and lunch and started staying with her friends. I got to know her friends they were nice and seemed like good people. Every day I would wake up go to school, follow F to her favorite teacher’s room and hangout with her teacher’s assistant friends. Then go to class and suffer through the boring day until lunch where I would spend more time with F and her other friends. And the suffer again until art class last period with D. Then I would go home and stay in my room and fuel my screen addiction. This got so repetitive and boring but every weekend I would go to D’s house and have laughs and deep conversations. D told me about his struggles with depression and his past suicide attempts, he showed me the cuts he had on his arms. He showed me the real him, the one he hid from the world. Then one day he told me about this girl (E). D liked E he told me and F this, so me and F made it our mission to find out who she was. She had a class with D, the same class as F and my friend, so we asked him who E was. Turns out E was gorgeous and friends with F and my friend’s girlfriend. I saw E from across the school yard sometimes at lunch. Then F stopped coming to lunch with our friends, she spent more time with the other teacher’s assistants and the teachers. When F left our friend’s girlfriend started coming over, and with her E. At first I was quite, I never talk much and didn’t know everyone that well, E later told me she was scared of me at first. One day E gave me a hug, it was unexpected but not unwelcomed. She would usually hug her friend but that day said I was closer, she said it was cold and wanted a hug to warm her up, that hug lasted at least ten minutes. After that day everyday we would hug, and they lasted for almost all lunch period. My friends would say we should date but E would always say no, I would always hope she would say yes. Some drama started between E and her friend and her friend stopped wanting her in the group. E would come over and everyone would move with her friend, so it was just me and E stuck in an embrace. One day I asked D for E’s Snapchat and ever since then me and her have texted just about every day. E’s ex-friend had to take alternative school because he was falling behind in credits, when he left the group stopped leaving, because why would they follow ex-friend. Me and E grew closer, but she started dating this guy, and I was heartbroken. She would talk about this guy to the group and I would just die inside every time. She broke up with this guy and came to me for support, I gave it to her but lost support of myself. One day E tried to cut herself in class, luckily the scissors were dull and she couldn’t, she wasn’t at lunch that day though, so I texted her but I got no reply. Later that day she told me what happened. That was the final straw, after crashing a car and putting G in the hospital, losing my great grandma to Alzheimer’s, my brother being hospitalized, after everything realizing the best thing to ever come into my life wanted to end her own destroyed me, out of boredom and anger I ripped apart several plastic cups the nights before, and that night I took one of the plastic shards and cut my wrists. The scratches weren’t deep and I barely bleed but it helped so much I couldn’t stop after one night. I kept doing it down my whole left forearm, my thighs, even my chest. I kept it hidden, I was worried about E finding out the most, I knew it would upset her. One day I showed her and I was right, she was upset. Later one night we were texting, I was explaining how I felt and that I was self conscious and didn’t think I would ever find a girlfriend. She told me she used to like my that night, hearing that made me so happy, I asked her out that night, over text. She rejected me, said she needed time to get over her ex, I thought ok I’ll just wait. I couldn’t wait, I told the school therapist how I had been feeling and showed her my arm, my aunt came to the school and I went home. I tried to stop but I couldn’t the coping skills the internet had didn’t seem to work at all. I kept cutting myself, and I kept asking E out. I asked E out 4 times before I gave up, I was forced to leave Arizona not too long after my aunt find out about my self harming. I flew back to South Carolina, but I strangely felt homesick, even though I was home. I gave up on all my hobbies, they just didn’t interest me anymore. Didn’t like my old friends because they knew the fake me and my friends in Arizona knew the real me. I missed E so much, I texted her everyday and told her how much I loved her, and later she fell in love with me too. I couldn’t take it anymore I cut myself again after swearing not to because how badly it messed up my life, I did it in class. That was a huge mistake the counselor called and ambulance and I was sent to a psych ward. I spent 8 days there and it was horrible, but I realized something. I didn’t miss my family at all when I was there, I only missed E. My whole life was E now, and she was so far away. I proposed to her over a phone call, she said yes. And still it looks like it’ll hopefully go that way. My depression seemed to lift up after a long time, but I changed. I had so much anger now, I would yell at plates when my fork hit it and it was loud, I would imagine killing my dogs if they barked of their nails hit the ground. If someone tried to talk to me when I didn’t want them to I would picture murdering them. I punched holes in the wall and beat trees with branches until they broke. I would lash out for no reason. I haven’t really lost my anger at all. And recently E went to a guy’s house when I told her not to, they had sex and I’m so angry about it. She lied to me about it for awhile, she said she wouldn’t and afterwards said she didn’t, she took a pregnancy test and it’s positive and I don’t know what to do. I want to kill the guy, I keep picturing it in my head, I want to stab him and see the look on his face when he knows his life is over, I want him to die. When E told me about it she cried, she said she regrets it so much and that she was sorry. But I lied to her too, from the beginning I told her I was a virgin like her and we could lose them together, I’ve never had sex with someone besides my sister, I don’t like to think about sex with my sister because it disgusts me, but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I feel so bad about lying, I told E the truth, I was not a virgin. She doesn’t know it was my sister though. I’ve been dating C for awhile now..... she moved back to South Carolina a little while ago, I feel so bad. She doesn’t know about E, but also I feel bad doing that to E. E knows and right now she has her own boyfriend (D) but I still feel bad about it.

TL;DR I have had a rough past and have dealt with depression for awhile. I have so much built anger I have replaced the suicidal thoughts with homicidal ones. I fall too far in love and get hurt by it.

Edit: Spelling and typos

Submitted July 31, 2018 at 11:20AM by Fmlthrowaway1324 https://ift.tt/2Oqt4zf