M22, USA (Diagnosed OCD) Hey everyone, I’m unsure why I’m even writing this post here. But I’ve been flooding stuff on reddit in a vast search for some answers I’m never seeming to find.
About a month ago I got randomly sick directly after getting an opportunity at my dream job.
I had gotten an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop about 30 minute out from where I had just moved.
Life was great, watching The Sopranos and eating chipotle on my free nights. Who could complain!
Well, I guess I took my health for granted. One night after work I come home to get into bed and randomly start getting the chills. Didn’t think too hard about it. Ya boi was just chilly that’s all.
Welp, I woke up the next morning drenched in sweat. And a fever as well. I felt super weak. I had to call out of my first job just so I could get my composure together and gather the strength/energy to take a shower.
I make it into the shop that evening. I started to slightly feel better. Made it throughout the day. Then as soon as I go to leave, it hits me again. Fever, sweating, weak.
I thought I had the flu, honestly.
By the time I made it out of there, all the local urgent cares are closed. Took off the next day so I could rest and make it into one.
At this point I’m still sweating the bed, and I have a sore throat.
They gave me Amoxicillin and just say it’s strep throat.
Next day, I wake up and my mouth is filled with oral sores and thrush(Candida)
I do the worst possible thing. I googled the symptoms.
At the time I was experiencing - Fever - Night Sweats - Oral Sores - Sore Throat - Swollen Lymph Nodes - Thrush(Candida) - Chills
Well, if any of you who reads this thread google searches this. I promise you’re going to come up with nothing but HIV symptoms.
I tried my absolute hardest to ignore the fact I matched all of them. Tried to ease my mind, but I could not.
I spent every second reading and reading about HIV and how horribly it would impact you, medicated or not.
I obviously freaked out.
I started to mentally question every single partner I’ve ever been with.
I’ve never done drugs (Other than smoking weed in high school, but that obviously doesn’t count here. Also not saying weed’s a drug, but you get what I’m getting by with)
And I’ve never been with partners that would’ve shown any indication that they would’ve had HIV. Nicely saying that, I wouldn’t ever have sexual intercourse with somebody who obviously was unhygienic and would show the characteristics of an individual who would carry HIV.
By Monday night, (This all started on a Thursday) I was sick to my stomach. Not from being sick, but from the thought of this. Having to tell my family, friends, and past flames that I might have this. The thought of who gave this to me. How do I tell this to anybody without causing absolute havoc in others lives.
I haven’t even been tested yet. I felt like Michael Scott when he had a cold sore and called every ex girlfriend saying he randomly got herpes.
Except I was actually sick.
The virus made it near impossible for me to eat as well. Not from lack of appetite, but from the sores being literally all over my mouth that I couldn’t chew or swallow food. Not even things as soft as a banana.
I was forced to improvise and make protein drinks with my Garden of Life raw vegan protein powders.
Forcing them down with a straw was like drinking thumb tacks. But gotta do what ya gotta do.
Stayed hydrated through this decently well.
Well, that Tuesday (1am) I was having super weird dreams and when I woke up I had a brief second where I was extremely disoriented. (Who/Where am I?)
I went into the biggest full blown panic attack of my life.
- Fastest set of racing thoughts I’ve ever had
- Heart going at least triple normal heart rate
- Literally hearing my subconscious SCREAM “IMMMMMMM DYYYING”
It was horrible. I kept telling myself I was going to go to the hospital. Over and over I said it to myself.
“Go take a shower right now, and then you’re going to go get tested you can’t wait somethings wrong”
I took at least an hour & a half shower. Blasting hot water.
I at least tired myself out.
I was without a doubt going to the emergency room that morning. But I needed to sleep that off. I would’ve gotten no where quickly going to my local ER that early.
I fall asleep next to the clothes I had prepared to throw on so I could go to the hospital.
Now this is when things got bad.
I woke up and my entire world was different. I immediately realized it too.
I was experiencing horrible vertigo. Well at least that’s the first thing I noticed.
My reaction timing was sort of delayed (not by much but noticeable.) (short lived problem too)
I felt like the left side of my head felt pretty well compared to what a deflated balloon would feel if that was our skulls.
Things just seemed extremely off.
Like things were popping up out of nowhere.
Like I was losing my sense of self and wasn’t all at once.
For example.
Say I changed the roll of paper towels, I would be aware that I did that and remember doing it.
But it would feel like it quietly just poof showed up. It was so bizarre.
Anyways, I’ll stop leaving the topic.
My parents were gonna take me to the hospital to get tested, I told them about the scare. At this point I had to with how bad I was feeling.
I get to the hospital (literally shaking at this point.)
I tell the receptionist lady who checks you in at the ER why I was there.
She looked at me like I was crazy aha.
They brought me into a hospital room where I waited for my doctor to arrive.
Obviously over the fears I’m having the oral infection was well.
He asks me the 3 basic questions about an HIV possibility.
- Have you left the Country recently? (No)
- Have you shared any needles through diabetic or drug use? (Never in my life)
- Have you had any strange unprotected sex recently that would give you the indication you may have contracted HIV or any other STI’s? (Yes and no. I’ve had sex with two people in the past few months. Only the one unprotected though which was my girlfriend at the time)
(I also reached out to both of them and gave them a heads up. Not to be alarming, but either way felt it was the right thing. Both have been tested and are clean.)
The doctor then explains to me how at an ER they legally cannot perform an instant HIV test because of doctor patient confidentiality laws. But would obviously give me extensive routine blood work just to see if I’m showing any signs of it and if I truly have anything to be alarmed about.
He comes back with good news.
My white blood cell count is perfectly fine as well as the rest of my blood work. He advises me this is just a random virus that has taken its toll on me. Something like Hand Foot Mouth, but only orally.
Gives me acyclovir as an antiviral and some oral mouth wash to swallow so I could numb my throat enough to attempt to eat.
Fever and everything is gone at this point.
Started noticing my memory begin to decline. I’ve always been a very sharp kid, never have memory slips. Always in my A game feeling.
On top of that, I realized my hand eye coordination was non existent as well. I tried playing the same video game I had played perfectly a day prior and was unable to do so.
At this point I knew things were beginning to become pretty messy.
I tried driving to visit my dad (I live with my Step father and mother )
Welp, driving wasn’t going very well for me.
I felt like I was wearing those intoxicating goggles they make you wear when you’re in high school and they’re showing you how you feel when you drink and drive.
I had to turn around and go home, everything was off.
Even pulling into my driveway was a struggle.
I wanted to go back to the hospital. I knew there was something else wrong that I didn’t realize earlier.
(I know I’m an adult and could have just went myself and don’t need to involved my parents in each and every part of this, but I was pretty messed up and needed some sort of care taker in these moments)
They just kept telling me I’m fine and will be fine.
Another day passes.
All of this gets worse.
I start to develop horrible brain fog even further. I can’t think straight or anything. I have no concept of time neither. Not on a musical level, but like regular people time.
This next day is weird too. The night before I was so worked up convinced whatever it is I have is killing me and eating my central nervous system. I’m 22 years old and I wrote a Will so people could divide my belongings after I passed.
I felt like my body and mind was actually falling apart.
The next day I wake up just as bad if not worse.
I feel completely out of body by this point, but strangely up front and center in my body as well. Like I have front row seats to watch the decay of my own mind.
I go to my family doctor this day.
He tells me the same thing as the doctor I saw while I was in the ER. (Probably just a bad virus, it’ll pass. Take what he prescribed you and I’ll write you a script for something to get rid of the sores/ thrush.) I forget what he wrote me but it cleared my mouth up instantly.
He also wrote me a script for Full Blood Work. Given my exstensive new found fear that I may have HIV or possibly Lyme or any autoimmune issue magically.
He didn’t think it was that deep, but wrote the script to make sure.
I got the full blood work taken at an outpatient lab nearby.
I get home and things continuously get bad.
I keep telling my family “SOMETHINGS WRONG SOMETHINGS WRONG” They just tried to get me to relax.
At this point everything was spinning. I felt as somebody who I’d except to have extremely low blood sugar would feel like.
As well as, I hadn’t eaten or gotten much more than an hour or 2 of sleep a night for 6 days at this point.
I force some vegan coconut milk yogurts down. Not much changes.
My family falls asleep and I’m a mess. I can’t talk straight, my balance is all over, I feel like I’m going to actually fall over and drop dead any minute.
I snuck out my back gate and ordered an Uber to take me to the emergency room.
I get there with the room still spinning and get checked in.
Doctor takes 45 minutes or so to come see me.
I tell him everything wrong, that I’ve been extremely sick and I’m experiencing all these weird neurological and psychological issues.
Takes my blood and puts me in crisis.
No further testing, nothing.
The next morning the psychiatrist who decides if you get discharged came to talk to me.
Told me none of my symptoms were real and they were all in my head.
They discharge me.
I also got my results while I was there for my outpatient blood work. Everything’s negative and clean. Good sign I suppose. I’m a wreck at this point crying my eyes out on my way out from the hospital.
The days continue and I’m not getting any better.
That weird deflated feeling in my head had turned into this weird pressure that occasionally gives me the very slight sharp pain. It doesn’t necessarily hurt when it does that, but it’s noticeable.
The pressure was constant. And in that direction when I looked visually just seemed black.
I have 20/20 vision as well. Everywhere and anywhere I went just felt like I was in some sort of paradox.
Grocery stores felt like haunted houses filled with spinning illusions. Restaurants scared the living day lights out of me. I hardly knew how to order food when I’d go.
Impending doom isn’t even half as bad as this feeling.
It’s not even the fear of death, it’s the fear that I’d somehow received horrible brain damage from such a virus. Is it possible? What’s wrong with me?
Well more constant googling and doctors appointments I go.
I end up at an Ears Nose & Throat doctor who hardly gives me a check up when I tell him my issues.
Sends me for a CT scan though.
Prior to getting sick like this. I wasn’t really afraid of anything. I could handle most things like a champ. I have my entire body professionally tattooed after all. Literally head to toe.
Getting in that CT machine for the 3 minutes I was probably in there felt like Kingdaka. I was literally ready to scream to get me out of there. I felt like I was on my way to a death sentence, or that I’m finally going to get the devastating news i was waiting for. That my brain is slowly decaying from onset Dementia at a young age.
Or that I had somehow developed encephalitis and that my immune system was quickly inflaming my brain to the point where it would fastly deteriorate and I would be left brain dead and in a coma.
Guess what.
CT SCAN CAME BACK CLEAN. NOTHING SHOWING
ENT doctor says to find a neurologist.
Going to one next week.
Went to my family doctor again.
Explained all the symptoms that are bothering me.
Tells me that medical science today is a lot strong than it was 15 years ago when most documented cases such as thing like encephalitis was current. Testing for Lyme, and the lane tests for HIV has no false negatives anymore.
That they would’ve found something.
Was polite about it and all.
But tells me this is possibly linked to anxiety.
Now let me tell you a bit about myself.
Before this incident I was a very quick and intelligent person. 4.0 GPA. Tons of friends. Very comical and extremely self aware. Spent a lot of time meditating, reading psychology/ philosophy novels. Was never off beat with how things rolled. Ya know, a regular person.
I worked a great paying sales job with a local solar company for a while. Great with business. Experimented in every art form there is.
Only thing I severely struggled with was my extreme OCD. Which caused for an over bearing amount of perfectionism.
And on top of that I had overwhelming compulsions. Where I would have to do things in numbers and such until things felt right.
What’s weird is ever since this happened, my OCD’s compulsions are pretty much incognito.
Occasionally will pop up now that it’s been some time, but mainly I don’t experience them.
The obsessive thoughts are not gone, and quite possibly the only thing keeping my self awareness alive.
It’s gotten to the point when I feel my mentality, thought process, and ability to rationalize is hanging by a show string.
I spent over $500 recently in herbal supplements just to boost my immunity, support brain health and cell regrowth in case of damage, and have been eating nothing but raw fruit and vegetables.
( I still eat tons of black beans and nuts for proteins.)
I’m trying to exercise where I can, but it’s been hard.
This is overwhelming me and I no longer feel like myself or that I will ever be myself again.
I spent years being an extremely over logical person to where I never let my emotions invested in anything I’d thing or do other than my art.
Now I feel like I’m so overly emotional that I can’t control it.
I genuinely thought the part of my brain before this didn’t work to where I could feel true emotions. I was purely apathetic.
Now I’m so overly emotional and keep hitting blocks where my sense of self/ logic should be.
The supplements seem to be very very mildly helping me.
But obviously not enough to make me perfectly okay.
I’m pretty sure that neurologist is gonna send me for an MRI. I’m hoping that comes back okay. And that somehow this all disappears.
I can’t take this anymore.
I feel so limited and boxed in.
I no longer feel like me. Things have become so quiet yet overbearing.
It’s like a bad episode of derealization but in reverse.
I can’t take this any longer.
This isn’t my life and it has been robbed from me.
At this point there is no reason to continue.
M22, 221 Ilbs, 5’11” Non Smoker(Quit in May 2018) Non Drug User New Jersey, United States
|Started Roughly June 28th 2018|
Initial symptoms- |In Chronological order| (✅- Symptoms that are still following) - Chills - Night Sweats - Fever - Sore Throat - Sores in Mouth and One on Lip - Oral Thrush (Candida) - HORRIBLE ANXIETY ATTACK after waking up disoriented - Confusion - Vertigo✅ - Hearing not impaired, but I’m absorbing sound at such a louder rate that feels overbearing✅ - Insomia - Hand Eye Coordination issues (✅but not as bad as they originally were) - Top Left Side of Head Feels Empty & Numb ✅ - Comprehension/ Retaining Information trouble ✅ - Short Term Memory Loss ✅ - Depression/ Irritability ✅
- Frequent Urination ✅
MEDICATIONS- - Amoxicillin (Taken 2 days before thrush happened - Aclyvoir - I forget the name of it but some mouth rinse that gets rid of thrush/sores. Worked like a charm.
- Black Seed Oil (7-27-18)✅
- Colloidal Silver (7-15-18)✅
- B12 (7-15-18)✅
- Lion’s Mane (7-25-18) ✅
- Garlic (7-25-18)✅
- Coconut Oil Pills (7-27-18)✅
- Super Omega 3’s (7-19-18)✅
- GNC Hair Skin & Nails (2011)✅
- Bayer’s One a Day Men’s Multivitamin (2011)✅
- Taurine (7-25-18)✅
- Uridine (7-27-18)✅
- Choline (7-27-18) ✅
- Phosphatidyl Serine (7-27-18)✅
TEST TAKEN-
- ROUTINE BLOOD WORK(Everything including WBCC was clean) -ROUTINE BLOOD WORK (Everything including WBCC was clean)
- FULL OUTPATIENT LAB BLOOD WORK (HIV NEGATIVE, Negative for every STI, WBCC clean. Everything came back okay but the Lyme test had to get sent out for a Western Blot) -Western Blot(Postive for one antibody, negative for the rest) -CTscan (No abnormalities)
Thank you all.
Submitted July 29, 2018 at 11:48PM by Mrlespaul24 https://ift.tt/2AkIdzb
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