WARNING: IT'S A LOT
To give background as to how I had this revelation, I've been going through a tough time with my girlfriend Kate [20F] for a bit (we're currently on a "soul searching" break for me to figure out my emotions, but we're still very close and communicate all the time to focus on making our relationship better and to figure out my complex emotions) and I've found myself wishing she was more mean or less interested in me. After having a discussion about this, she showed me some post about how people with emotional/physical abuse from their childhood treat romantic relationships. i.e. being attracted to emotionally unavailable people/people being nice to you turns you off/attention seeking/button pushing for negative attention/etc. And it really hit the nail on the head. I love this girl so much, and I want to stop being affected by this and risking my relationship. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be tortured by my own mental processes.
I was always an ideal child to my mother, but sensitive when I was in elementary school and until this day. She and my dad always said I would have to toughen up, be a man, etc. I had my share of friends and interests in elementary school. But when I got into middle school, I became shy but started being more invested in my small group of friends. We played video games together and enjoyed ourselves with memes and talking on skype, we were all good friends. But my mom called them weird and dorks, she said that I'm better than that. She pushed me to go out to football games with everyone instead of enjoying my weekend comfortably. She always reminded me how "dumb, useless, violent" video games were and were making me. Even though I was a gentle kid. I was starting to get really nervous then and I just needed some support to help get through it. (Little did I know, that's when I started forming my anxiety, which I was diagnosed by my therapist at university only recently, which he claims could've affected me for a long time, but more on that later.) So then I began to become the family black sheep, where I was the target of constant teasing by my mother, and then my sister and finally father. They would gang up on me to make fun of my hobbies and feelings. This continues to this day. Our family dynamic started to become her yelling at us (mainly me), or snapping at us if we didn't fully agree and making mean comments comments towards me and my sister.
In highschool I finally started coming out of my shell, I started gaining confidence and coming up with my own ideas that I wanted to explore, and started to form my own identity and express myself. I always loved art, drawing especially, which my mom taught me how to do (she was an art major in college, and taught in an elementary school before I was born). It became part of my identity, and I was able to grow through that, into more artistic and interesting aspects of life. I began to enjoy more offbeat and experimental music (just go to r/indieheads), and found fashion and a self image I wanted to be. I wanted to be artistic. So I found something I could get into which gave me confidence, I was starting to work out, which gave me even more. I cared about my appearance yet grew my hobbies horizontally and vertically. I still am a big gamer, yet love music and art and anime and fashion, etc. Sorry to ramble but I basically catered this growth myself.
So I could finally talk to girls, got my first girlfriend, and finally realized oh wait girls are people too!? Which in my conservative/catholic household made women seem like they weren't as important as men. So I finally looked into feminism and liberalism and found it really resonated with me. My mother was appalled. She called me stupid and that girlfriends were ruining my faith and my mind and that it was a mistake to let me date which at that point I was 16. Keep in mind this only built upon the teasing and targeting. She made fun of my music, and some of my other interests, looking down with disgust. Things core to my own identity = stupid to her. This is when I felt a lack of emotional connection with my family at all. When I started sticking up for myself and my sister or dad could agree she would make explosive scenes that she was being targeted, luckily not in public (at the time). She called my growing group of friends snakes, and bitches. She hated so much. She began calling me an ingrate for months on end if I didn't agree with something she said. That was my nickname; ingrate. And when I finally went to visit art schools for college, she was so happy to be by my side during it, but she kept making comments about liberals liberals liberals! When seeing these places I thought they were great, but I wasn't the person I wanted to be fully yet, so I began to chicken out. I decided to switch, and pursue a business degree.
Her first response was "thank god"
The one thing I thought she had my back for, the one thing, was a facade.
I was crushed.
I went on to date a girl for a year who was my first for a lot of things, I did noncatholic things with her, and it was very special at the time. But cheated on me when she went to college, we broke up, and my senior year I became lost. I just rolled with the punches and stopped trying to have communication with my mom, if I tried talking to her it would end in her being mad at me. I didn't talk to my family about my feelings after that. I just said yup, okay, sure. I lost a lot of friends senior year due to mistakes I made, I was volatile. I couldn't be myself, but I was trying so desperately, and I was beginning to become selfish due to my anxiety and overwhelming pain. Meanwhile, my mom brags to everyone about the great son I am and how smart and nice and catholic I am. Meanwhile she insults me and criticizes my 10 times before she compliments me once.
Then I went to college, fresh start, no mom, my time, my way.
It's been wonderful, I have found an amazing group of friends, and I can finally express myself and my self identity. I get mixed up with a girl who is not emotionally available and she breaks my heart, yet I wanted her so bad for so long, and things were going well between us. I never understood how I could want someone who didn't want me the same way for so long. We haven't spoke more than three times since then, due to her and I splitting then getting back together and the her saying it wasn't real. I had the self worth to leave. Then I met Kate. She is the most caring, beautiful, interesting, funny girl I have ever met. On our first night, we stay up til 4 am talking to each other in the dorm lounge. I connect with her like no other.
Then I head back home for the summer and there is nothing but contempt from my mom about Kate. She makes comments about how "do you really need to be dating?" "she's vegan, and you're fine with that?" (YES IDGAF) "are you protecting her image??" Stuff like that. Kate posted a picture of her hugging me and my mom calls me and says basically that she seems like a slut, and people are going to think we're having sex because of that picture. It was a picture of HER HUGGING ME. The comments and teasing and bullying I take from my mom only grows over that summer and winter of my sophomore year, she spends all of new years drilling into me nonstop with insults and snarky comments. My dad comments on it when we went to a restaurant that night, asking her to tone it back. And she breaks down in the middle of the restaurant, calling me an asshole ingrate who's girlfriend is a bitch, and she is always being targeted and victimized by this family. Even my dad is fed up at that point and we go home and spend new years in silence after my mom disappears into their room at 10pm.
A couple months go by and she actually likes Kate a lot now. Which is good! But for some reason as of late I couldn't help but find myself wishing Kate was meaner. (See top paragraph.) And once we find out it's probably due to all this emotional wreckage my mom has caused me over the past 10 years, I don't know how to handle it.
To give some sample situations: I had an incredibly bad night when I was diagnosed with anxiety. I took 12 shots in 45 minutes. I blacked out minutes after. Kate took care of me the next day. I decided I needed a change, I cared about my hair too much, so I shaved it. It felt super empowering, and I actually liked how it looked! The first thing my mom said was ew. She said I miss the old (my name). I can't just put it back. It's something that helped me start this healing process, trying to figure out how to get better.
Later this past semester I figured it'd be fun to bleach my hair and express myself, so I did! It looked actually really good, a nice golden/yellow, and Kate liked it, so did all my friends! And my mom texts me that It looks orange and terrible. I come home for summer and the very first thing she says to me is "you look.... horrid." After comments like that for the next 3 days I let her dye it back to brown. I'm defeated. I'm still at home. I don't know how to handle my thoughts as well anymore. I feel like I'm getting bad. I question my relationship with Kate for no good reason, I say things that I immediately regret, and I let intrusive thoughts gain too much power over me. I become annoying and try to push buttons. I just want to be myself and good again.
How can I start to heal? I don't want to end up so painfully negative as her.
If you read this Kate, I'm so sorry. I love you so much.
TLDR: Mom emotionally abuses me for half my life, it's affecting my damn amazing relationship now with my feelings and thoughts. I question myself, my thoughts, and my relationships. How do I begin to heal?
EDIT: Forgot to say my therapy at college is only short term, which is my only therapy option, so I can only go 6 months a year pretty much.
And when I told my mom I had anxiety her first response was "It's not as bad as mine, so you're fine."
Submitted June 02, 2018 at 10:02PM by Captain_Box https://ift.tt/2xCjNQ7
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