I have been grappeling with this theme for a long time now in my life. I do not like beer and sports, and I do not like stepping in my fathers shoes as a carpenter. On the other hand, its not like I want to become so feminine that I’ll need a sex-change. Still, I want to learn makeup and how to trim your eyebrows. And even though I do get a haircut about once a month, and even though I look good and get compliments, the feeling of getting your hair cut bears some kind of element of being expendable. Slaves. Soldiers. Guard dogs. Working class. 15 years ago I resisted my sister and mother and had shoulder-length hair. Until I gave in. I never was encouraged to take care of the hair. I never was taught anything about braiding my hair from my sister or mother or aunt. I tried to “heal” my few pimples and blackheads with deep cleansing creams and moosturizer. My own mother would spend 100$ on a deep cleansing cream, and then tell me to “just use toothpaste” to try and heal the pimples. No one, and especially not my father, told me to try makeup.
Today I am 27, strongly considering going to cosmetology school. I will be 4-10 year older than the other attendees, the “wrong” gender, and I am tall 6’3” and a heavy beard stubble I still struggle with to this day, to not give myself redness or scars. Regardless of the shaving tools and creams.
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I am deeply worried that thiscosmetology course will be seen as “perverse”. I also do yoga with plenty of hot girls. I do yoga because I have tried modt other forms of physical activity and have decided that I hate them. I want something safe, indoors, stretching, breath focused, non-martial arts. Stretching actually feels good and can be viewed as a substitute of massage. I also tried Pilates. Which I also hate but it seems safer than most other forms of working out. You work on core muscles. And for both yoga and pilates you work with your own body weight. You literally practice moving your own body by itself. No machines where you push weightd forwards and up with your legs and the knees can suddenly snap backwards. I mean sure, you can fall in yoga too, but it won’t be with a 130kg metal load. I do follow the idea of the almost surgical approach to muscle building. But it is not for me(yet). What is more, I think I want to work out in leggings. Shorts don’t protect the skin, and the three loose pants I tried, I had to readjust the fabric several times during a aession. I do not want to add one extra step of shorts over leggings. It just seems stupid. I want to not feel embarrassed over working out and showing some outline of my junk. It is things like this that make me wish barbie dolls and action figures would have genitalia.
It would be easy if I just had a low fat percentage. Everyone would just think “He’s hot”. Its not so much the admiration aspect, but that it would be more accepted to wear what I like to wear. But I am not.
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I have tried to change identities a lot of times in my life. Different hobbies, different countries. I was too alone/aloof/arrogant to be viewed as a shapeshifter. I like to socialize when I am prepared for it, sure. But I never wanted to be chained to a group I was traveling with.
I also tried really emvracing my maleness: I came to the conclusion that a lot of my misery stemmed from poverty. If I just bought some suits and started Ironing shirts and wearing a tie, everything would be fine. But it’s not. I have this urge.. like I feel entitled thst I should “get to” wear a bra and a low cut round becked t-shirt. And something breathable in the back at parties. I know logically that since I don’t have a bossom, the low cut tee would look weird. I would have to pluck chest hair and use concealer or foundation to cover moles or red areas. I hate it. This feeling of not being good enough. No matter my identity. And I have zero support from my family. I like a secret life, but they dont want me to be able to have one. I considered renting a room in a city 1 hour away just so i would have a place to “be feminine”. I would have to rinse off nail polish and makeup each day. Visiting this toom both bedore and after school/work and change my look.
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One thing I do know, is that I definitely do not want to end up like this villages “village crazy” person. He seems normal, except: he is poor. Looks like a hippie sometimes. Often walks in colourful rubber boots. Smokes weed. Lingers at the train station at night for no reason. He looks old and wrinkly. Scratchy voice, wears nail polish. To me he is an examplification of the worst from two worlds. I mean sure he is not fat and he seems kind.
But if I want to do anything feminine I think I need to do this 100% divided. Like wearing suits and short hair at one place, and then the other place wearing business appropriate black dresses with waxed legs and fake detatchable silicone boobs. But first I have to curb the beard. I tried plucking it. Super painful and came back after a week. Needle-epilation might be an option. But its only halfway there because I’d also need adams apple reduction and laryngasiry for a higher voice. And frankly I am not sure I can afford or are ready for that. Initially I. Said no surgery.
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Who am I even?
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TL;DR: I explain the lack of support from family, my thoughts on make-up and crissdressing. And briefly mention facial and vocal surgery. I ponder If I should rent a room just for being female, if at all realistic.
Submitted May 18, 2018 at 06:34PM by pfcarrot https://ift.tt/2LedNjo
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