Am I trans if I still like make up, long hair and that stuff?

It's... complicated.

I hate having to prepare myself everyday. I hate doing my hair, putting my make up on and painting my nails. I have to imagine that I'm dressing up a doll that is definitelly not me to look nice everyday because if not, I hate the results. I hate having to put so much effort everyday to look like someone who I am not.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutelly adore the art of doing your make up, your hair or your nails. It feels good. But I hate that I don't end up looking like this, like this or like this but instead like this.

I like looking at myself on the mirror when I imagine that the person there is a doll or the type of girl I'd like to date, because what I see on my reflection is cute. But it's as cute as it is to look at a nice painting, when I realize that the person there is me... I absolutelly hate it because what I expect to see is a tall, muscled, bulky man with a giant hair mane and full beard and tattoos, not a woman with boobs and that body, it doesn't belong to me. It feels awful, it makes me anxious and it's depressing, it feels like if that wasn't me. I hate my femenine voice and I hate listening to myself because it feels like hearing someone else.

I don't want to stop taking care of myself and putting on make up and shit because I'm a metrosexual idiot inside, but I hate that I'm putting so much effort everyday into someone who I don't want to be.

In the other hand I fucking love Jojo's Bizarre Adventures because I feel that Araki totally understands me, look at this, at this and at this. It's so fucking great how they give no shits and they still look so fucking good while kicking your ass. They look so GOOD.

I don't know, I feel that if I tried transitioning I'd be laughed at for dying my hair with different colors and that feminine stuff, all female-to-male experiences I've read, they say that they love their first short haircut and that before transitioning they stopped wearing make up and... And I don't know, it makes me feel like if I wasn't trans because I don't relate? This is the body that I wish I had, not this one. It feels awful. But I also like long hair and those things.

Submitted October 15, 2019 at 10:49PM by throwawaysmolegg https://ift.tt/2IT5hXu