This is my story of how my heart was broken and how I'm FINALLY recovering. Just a heads up, this will be a long post, but my purpose writing this is to give the people struggling with their pain at least a little bit of hope for the future. So, here it goes...
Four months ago, my boyfriend [26M] broke up with me [24F] out of the blue. He was crying and gave me every lame excuse in the book: "it's not you, it's me", "I need time to find myself", "it's not about me being single", "i'm unhappy with where I am in my life", "there's nobody else", "if i wanted to be in a relationship with anyone it would be with you", "this doesn't have to be forever", "i'm so in love with you but you deserve better" blah blah blah.
I was DEVASTATED. I thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I put so much love and energy into this relationship, only to have it blow up in my face. I was heartbroken. To make matters worse, the next day he's Facebook official with a nineteen year old girl. And to put the cherry on top of the cake, she immediately started blasting photos of them all over social media with the following captions: "when he finally leaves her for you", "he's in love with me not you", "he's my man not yours". Yea, how immature and gross (I also had no idea this girl even existed in the first place). So, instead of blowing up his phone and going bat shit crazy (even though I wanted to SO BAD), I decided to take the high road and not give either of them any sort of reaction I know they both wanted. I remained silent and blocked him, his new girlfriend, friends, and family off every social media platform.
The first two months were brutal. I sobbed and had panic attacks everyday. I felt worthless, unlovable, ugly, pathetic, etc. I couldn't eat or sleep and I was throwing up every morning as a result of all the stress my mind underwent. I blamed myself for the break up and revisited/blamed every fight or bad memory as a reason to why my boyfriend did what he did. I had suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I was hopeless, depressed, and just an overall fucking mess. I lost 20 lbs (before the break up I was 115 lbs, a month after I was 90 lbs). Everyone was concerned with my mental and physical health, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up again. I was convinced this heartbreak was going to kill me, but...it didn't. For the first time in months, I'm happy and I can smile again (and I was convinced I would NEVER be happy again). So, here's my advice on how to pick yourself up and get your fucking life back.
1) BLOCK/DELETE YOUR EX AND ANYONE INVOLVED WITH YOUR EX OFF SOCIAL MEDIA!!! I cannot stress this enough. You do NOT want to see what they're doing and I guarantee that they're going to make themselves look so much fucking happier without you in their lives and that only makes the heartbreak and pain you're going through way, way worse. Don't look, don't stalk, don't reach out EVER. They made the decision to leave you, so let them feel the pain of THEIR decision without you in their lives (because they're not going to feel the pain if you're calling, texting, or even see your posts on social media). Goodbye and good riddance.
2) FEEL EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR PAIN. The more I tried to repress it, not feel it, or convince myself that I was "okay/not hurting" etc. the HARDER the pain would hit me and the more anxiety/panic attacks I suffered from. Cry it out, scream at the top of your lungs, punch a wall, hide under the covers etc. Feel everything you are feeling and be understanding with yourself about how you feel. Instead of beating yourself up for being sad, tell yourself "i'm feeling sad/depressed/hopeless and that's okay because it will pass". You have every right to feel this way because you're GRIEVING. Accept that the person you loved/thought you knew and the future you had high hopes for are gone, which means you're allowed to feel every bit of pain and heartbreak. To be honest, if you weren't completely heartbroken or in pain after the ending of a meaningful relationship then you either never loved that person, you're in complete denial, or a sociopath.
3) DO NOT FUCK THE PAIN AWAY OR JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. Yea, I tried both. Back fired on me BIG TIME. I was convinced that if my ex can move on so quickly then I can to, but I found myself making the pain of the heartbreak way worse when I tried having someone else fill the void. Not only is it not fair to the other person (especially if they have feelings for you), but it's not fair to yourself. The best way to get over someone is to get over them ALONE. If you jump into something else when you're not ready and that doesn't work out? Well guess what, you're dealing with TWO heartbreaks instead of ONE.
4) ACCEPT THAT THE ENDING OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Unless you cheated, lied, manipulated, abused (sexually, emotionally, physically) your partner then it wasn't your fault. Even if you guys had constant arguments, fights, or communication issues, it still wasn't your fault. Breaking up with you was their choice and that's on them, not you. And if your situation is anything like mine where your partner lied, cheated, and left you feeling like a worthless piece of trash then it is ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not EVER think someone cheating, lying, or leaving you for someone else is EVER YOUR FAULT. Remember, their actions define who THEY ARE, not who YOU ARE.
5) RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS/ GOOD PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST. Two years ago, I had a falling out with one of my best friends. I've always wanted to reconnect, but I was too stubborn to just text her. My break up gave me the courage to reconnect with her and it was probably the best decision I've made. I felt a million times better having her back in my life. Your support system is essential, and one thing I learned since my break up is I have the most supportive/best friends I could ask for. The only exception to this rule is not to reconnect with people who have deliberately hurt you or fucked you over in the past. You don't need that toxic energy in your life. Only surround yourself with people who have good intentions and values.
6) MAKE AN EFFORT TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE EVERYDAY. Whether it's going to work, the gym, on a run, grabbing a coffee, meeting up with a friend etc. leave your house. Even though all you want to do is stay in bed, cry, and sleep for the entire day, it doesn't hurt to dedicate an hour to do something small/productive. You'll also feel a little bit better getting some fresh air or even meeting up with a friend that you can cry to.
7) FIND A GOOD THERAPIST. I was very skeptical about therapy my whole life. I've seen a couple bad ones in the past that just kinda ruined it for me. One of my coworkers, who had a hard time with one of her break ups in the past, recommended her therapist to me. I decided to give it a try and made an appointment. I've been going to her for two months now and to be honest I don't think I would be in such a good state right now if it wasn't for her. If you already have a therapist, keep going and don't hold back any of your thoughts or feelings (no matter how destructive they are). I believe talking it out is the only way you can truly heal.
8) TREAT YOURSELF!!! Take baths with lavender oil, light candles, get your nails done, get take out of your favorite food, put on a face mask, use body scrub and lotion everyday, put on make up, get a hair cut, buy yourself a pair of shoes or clothes you've always wanted, take the trip you've been saving up for, watch your favorite movie, go to a concert, etc. whatever it is DO IT. Not only will it make you feel good in that moment, but it'll help put a smile on your face.
9) WORK OUT AND GET INTO THE BEST SHAPE OF YOUR LIFE. I've always been insecure about my body and the break up just made me feel even worse about it. I starved myself because my fucked up brain was CONVINCED he left me because I didn't have a "hot body", so I lost 20 lbs and not only felt worse, but I looked very, very sick. I finally got the courage to eat again (clean and healthy meals), I picked up running, yoga, and kickboxing. Not only did I gain those 20 lbs back, but I am in the best shape of my life. I feel so strong and powerful. For the first time, I can look at myself in the mirror (naked) and be happy with my body. That feeling alone is one you will never forget and your self confidence will sky rocket.
10) MISCELLANEOUS. Create NEW memories in NEW places. Do not go back to meaningful places that are connected to your ex (it will hurt and reopen that wound). Read books or listen to audio books (I recommend "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck"). Listen to podcasts (Generation Why is a great one if you're into true crime). Read blogs on breakups/heartbreaks- it makes you feel less alone (I can't get ENOUGH of the blog, Post Male Syndrome, even if you're a guy, you'll still get a lot out of her articles). Listen to EMPOWERING music- not music about being heartbroken (Avril Lavigne's album Under My Skin is GOLD). Write down all your negative awful thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper and BURN IT (it helped my brain let go of those horrible feelings I was bottling up). Get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex (photos, gifts, cards, etc.)- whether you decide to throw them away or put them in storage, do not have them anywhere near or around you. Do the shit you are passionate about- it will make you feel like you have a purpose again (for me it's screenwriting). Look to your pet for comfort (my cat and dog snuggle with me every night and it's been very therapeutic).
And finally...DO NOT LET THIS BREAK UP/HEARTBREAK DEFINE YOU. You are a fucking KING/QUEEN/GOD/GODDESS and if your ex couldn't see that then THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOU. If you put in the work, effort, and all the love you have to offer into YOURSELF and not let their shitty actions destroy you, I guarantee they're going to come crawling back one day begging for a second chance (not like they deserve one anyways, right?).
And if you're like me and are obsessing over answers or closure of some sort, try to find closure of your relationship within YOURSELF and DO NOT look for it in your ex or anyone that is close with your ex (you probably will not be happy with their answer anyways and it'll only set you back). Use what you DON'T know to your advantage.
FINAL THOUGHTS- I still have weak moments feeling sad, angry, or betrayed about my break up, but I don't let those moments define me or take over my life. Instead, I feel them for what they are, acknowledge what I'm feeling, and deal with them accordingly. I'd be lying if I said I was over my ex. I think there's a part of me that will always love and miss him, but I know I can live and be happy without him and that's what matters the most here (especially since I am extremely codependent). I also do not hate my ex (shocker, right?). Even though what he did hurt and almost destroyed me, I don't let his actions define my worth. Instead, I'm indifferent towards him and I wish him the best with whatever he decides to do with his life.
Getting over a break up isn't about getting over that person. It's okay to still feel something for them or miss them from time to time, but just don't look at them as your only source of love and happiness. Getting over a break up is about finding yourself again. It's about finding the courage to be the person you've always wanted to be, taking action for what you want to do without giving a fuck about what other people think, and loving yourself unconditionally. As cheesy as this sounds, it does take time to pick yourself up (it took me two months to feel like a person again). Take as much time as you need here, heartbreak is not easy and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone.
Healing isn't linear, it's full of peaks and valleys. One day you're going to feel good, the next you're sobbing unconditionally as if it all happened yesterday. At times, you're going to feel like you're going insane, but just keep reminding yourself that your emotions and feelings are normal and okay (even when you feel hopeless and the pain will never end). Don't be hard on yourself. This is going to be a shitty journey, but it's not the final destination.
Four months ago, I was a lost, hopeless soul. I thought I would never be happy again or even feel like a person, but with time, a lot of tears, support from my friends/family, and doing my best everyday to get up and make a life of myself, I'm finally starting to feel good again. If I can start to feel good again (when I was convinced I never would), so can you.
You're not alone. You're going to be okay. Take all the time you need to grieve and find yourself. I hope this post has helped you out. If you're feeling extra down or lost, message me. I'll do my best to try and bring you out of the dumps <3.
Submitted November 16, 2018 at 02:33AM by knees4bees https://ift.tt/2Fr3lGm
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